HOLIDAY HARMONY: Unwrapping the Secret to Stress-Free Celebrations

Ever skipped a family holiday gathering because of the stress it brings? You're not alone. We've noticed an increase in people choosing to avoid these events, rising from 75% to an astounding 85% of Americans. In our latest episode of Relationships 101 Podcast, we open up about this growing trend, tackling issues like Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and the pressures of gift-giving. With the holiday season looming, we share strategies to lighten the load, such as setting achievable goals and prioritizing meaningful connections over material gifts. 

Navigating holiday expectations and financial constraints can be overwhelming, but it doesn't have to rob you of joy. We discuss practical approaches to manage these challenges, like using Secret Santa to simplify gift-giving and re-evaluating financial priorities to keep the focus on what truly matters. Through personal anecdotes, we highlight the importance of clear communication with loved ones about budgets and expectations, and how aligning with your partner can ease the holiday strain. 

Finally, let's not forget the real essence of the holidays: the gift of relationships. We reflect on the dedication required to nurture them and offer insights on how to be present for our loved ones without succumbing to the pressure of materialism. The episode is a reminder that your presence, love, and support are the greatest gifts you can offer. Tune in as we provide tips on maintaining meaningful relationships and making this holiday season one filled with harmony and joy.

Chapters

• 0:06 Navigating Holiday Stress and Family Dynamics
• 9:07 Managing Holiday Expectations and Budgets
• 17:15 Holiday Family Dynamics and Responsibilities
• 27:52 The Gift of Relationships

Transcript

SYLVESTER: 0:06

101.

JASMEKA: 0:14

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Relationships 101 podcast, your introduction to a healthy, committed relationship. I'm your host, Sylvester Wilson.

SYLVESTER: 0:36

And I'm your JasMe ka Wilson.

JASMEKA: 0:39

Yeah, merry cri-mah 'nick.

SYLVESTER: 0:40

Nick, merry ' Nick, we are in the holiday spirit, we're trying to get there, y'all, merry Crippin' Nick? Yeah, we are in the holiday spirit. We're trying to get there y'all. We ain't there yet.

JASMEKA: 0:50

So right now we talking about decking the halls, not each other, all right. What does that mean? It means getting into the spirit, you know, just trying to make sure that we make it through the stress of the holiday. We know that the holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year and oftentimes we run into a lot of stress that kind of gets in the way of us enjoying that. You know that Trying to please everybody, making sure everybody good, all that can take the joy sometimes out of the whole season for us and for our relationships.

SYLVESTER: 1:35

For me when I hear a deck in the halls not each other I think about how we put up the Christmas lights, the balls and all that other stuff Shut up and just hanging it where they belong and not throwing them at each other.

JASMEKA: 1:57

Right.

SYLVESTER: 1:57

I just feel like during that time, we can offend each other, we can be upset with each other, we can disagree. So it's like, nah, deck the halls, make it pretty, and don't be around here jabbing at each other.

JASMEKA: 2:11

Right.

SYLVESTER: 2:12

And just to share a little research that we did on this topic. We was curious like how many people out there that don't really want to be around their families there, that don't really want to be around their families. Based on last year research, it was 75% out of the American culture that didn't want to be around their family.

JASMEKA: 2:35

During the holidays.

SYLVESTER: 2:36

During the holidays. It was a 75% participant response that they prefer to ditch their family. Wow, but guess what? It is this year 85 percent dang.

JASMEKA: 2:50

So it's that many people who they feel like they need a break I mean, as far as uh what we read on that, on that uh article these people feel like they need a break from their family during the holidays. So I guess these are people that they probably around their family throughout the year. I guess.

SYLVESTER: 3:10

I think these are people that is trying to ditch the emotional.

JASMEKA: 3:16

Or maybe they have.

SYLVESTER: 3:16

That it takes some time.

JASMEKA: 3:18

Yeah, I'm saying maybe it's been some track. Sometimes with some people, it's some trauma that's attached to you know what I'm saying To this time of the year. Um, there's also another study, um, that talks about something called sad uh something, something. So I forgot what the sad mean, right, but it's sad, right. Um, there's a there's a level of depression that comes over, uh, in America during the this season, the winter season anyway. Not really a lot to do with the holidays itself, but more to do with winter.

JASMEKA: 3:57

There's a scientific thing that goes on, whether you can look it up, but there's a lot that you could be doing, though, to kind of like be proactive about it. It says that, according to 2022 American Psychiatric Association poll, 38 percent of Americans reported that their mood declines in the winter. Other symptoms include sleeping, more fatigue and loss of interest in activities. So we got to be proactive. There's some treatments for it, like setting realistic goals.

JASMEKA: 4:32

They said these things help Breaking large tasks into smaller ones, prioritizing Spending time with other people, not just isolating yourself, doing things that make you feel better, and getting regular exercise. I'm sure vitamin D has a lot to do with that, since we don't get a lot of that during the wintertime. So let's be proactive with getting that vitamin D, getting that exercise, playing music that you know that you enjoy positive music anyway, not something that's for how you think about the breakup or thinking about you know what I'm saying a past, uh, loved ones who don't, who don't die, or something like things that uplift you. Let's, let's, let's, stick to those, to those things right.

SYLVESTER: 5:14

So for the sad is seasonal affective disorder, and I want to say that we are currently experiencing that like I don't know if you feel it, but I I feel it, and I don't know if it's just because of my work, but it's like a sadness, like it's just people just going throughout the day.

SYLVESTER: 5:32

Like there's no joy, there's no excitement. Even the stores are practically empty. So it's just. But y'all know we take the approach of relationships 101. And thinking of that, I think some people sit around sad, feeling like I got to go be around these people. Let me prepare or rest or do whatever I need to do because I got to socialize, whether it's your family or your in-laws. I think that's a contributing factor to the sadness that people experience. It may be loneliness, it may be I got to go around, it may be I don't have gifts under the tree. Or it may be your spouse or your significant other buying all this stuff and splurging on other people and you see how he's excited or she's excited but you wondering I'm going to get something, like him seeing that excited. Or you wondering where she get to get something Like he don't seem that excited.

JASMEKA: 6:25

Or you wondering where she get that money from to buy that stuff, because I know he ain't got enough for all that and we finna be looking crazy after the holidays Like I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of traditions that you know. Once you form a family, or even if it's just a group of friends, that people, you come up with your own traditions for holidays. I could honestly say that a tradition with our family regularly, we really like just do it regular. We do you know the traditional things to tree, the lights, the gifts.

JASMEKA: 6:59

But as far as between me and my wife, a tradition we have for holidays is basically gifts over goals, goals over gifts. And that's just saying that those even conversations that we have with our children, like y'all know this is the goals and y'all agree with it. Oh, y'all won't Okay. So that means that we can't let something like Christmas Come and derail us From the progress that we need to make. So it won't be that many gifts, it'll be this many gifts, right, it won't be that many gifts, it'll be this many gifts this year. And they understand it and you got to I'm like we're raising adults, right, and they got to know that you can't let something like whatever else the world is doing throw off what your world is doing and needs.

SYLVESTER: 7:57

So how do you feel when we have to look at the budget, look at the list, because you've got a large family. Look at the list and do process of elimination, Like who gets gifts, Like how does that make you feel in that process? Um, that's a process, you, you, that's a process, you, I really you well, I'll speak to that process and maybe it helps somebody else out there yeah, I trust that you know right what we what we can do and who we can give to what's reasonable.

SYLVESTER: 8:37

Yes, I would say for us um, yeah, because we all the family's large, long, big. You got sisters, I got sisters, we got brothers, we like, we look, we look at that list and them kids come first. Like we are servicing our nieces and nephews, our parents, each other, our, and anything extra or surplus we spread it across. But it's not like we're prioritizing everybody. Everybody can't get a gift. And it's not that I don't love this one more than it. It's not that it's Christmas for the kids.

JASMEKA: 9:21

Christmas for the kids. It's not that it's Christmas for the kids, christmas. Christmas for the kids.

SYLVESTER: 9:24

It's for the kids.

SYLVESTER: 9:25

Christmas for the kids. So, um, yeah, we just both give to our parents. That's something we do. It ain't he buying for his mama? I'm buying for my mama and I ain't in his process and he ain't in my process, right, it's no, we don going to what each other like and we purchase on behalf of us, and gifts are given. When it comes to the kids all my nephews and nieces it's a lot of them, so I ain't going to lie. Sometimes we do a Santa Like let the kids pick each other names so that I can buy four gifts instead of 12.

JASMEKA: 9:58

Secret Santa, I think.

SYLVESTER: 9:59

Secret Santa. So we'll play Secret Santa on our end. Fortunately on your end right now we just got one at Shion, so we give to her. And then you know the God kids. They come along, but we're not trying to prioritize the entire family Can't do it. The expectation and I want to speak on something, though, because what a lot of people don't know, and I think this is um, this applies to a lot of relationships the wives are the one that buy, like, let's just say, one year, we, we are buying cousins and aunties and uncles and whoever gifts it's coming from the wife. So when you send one gift in, when one gift went out, you probably not on the list next year. It's not nothing intentional, but it's. You gotta honor the union. So if financially you couldn't give, say you you got a couple in your family and you sending only one gift to your sister and she's married, send a couple's gift.

SYLVESTER: 11:04

If that's what you can afford to remain on the list a game or something but I'm speaking for the people that be them, wives that be giving gifts, like I know y'all, the secret center behind it. So that's why I honor it, whether it's gonna be a bottle of wine that both of y'all could share, because I can't get two, but I'm definitely honoring the unit and not just one smart, smart, or a game that they both can play together right um, I mean that's that's.

JASMEKA: 11:58

Yeah, definitely that's a smart thing to do, yeah manage the stress man through this holiday season.

SYLVESTER: 12:05

Um, be intentional. Set the. Set a realistic budget. If you know that man got $50, don't be sending him some.

JASMEKA: 12:12

Gucci shoes.

SYLVESTER: 12:14

Because the math ain't mathing what?

JASMEKA: 12:16

you want him to do.

SYLVESTER: 12:17

I've never been one of those women that say risk your life for a holiday season Because, no, I need you when Christmas is over. So just be realistic with each other. Don't be on the phone talking about how you're going to buy your mama this, this, that, this, that, this, that, and there's no gift on your significant other end. That's a slap in the face.

JASMEKA: 12:43

And if you're, like me, under promise and over deliver, don't run around making a bunch of promises that you're going to be trying to kill yourself to keep up with and to fulfill. Just say you can see what you can do, man. If you can do it, they'll get it. If you can't, they already know what time it is On a husband's day.

SYLVESTER: 13:09

what you mean? If they can't, they can't Come on now. We all knew Christmas was coming, December 25th. What you mean?

JASMEKA: 13:15

I'm talking about for everybody.

SYLVESTER: 13:17

Oh, I thought you were talking about if you can't give your significant other a gift on Christmas? You can't.

JASMEKA: 13:22

Oh, I'm sorry. No, I ain't talking about that. That'd be something that we'd have to agree on we'd have to agree on.

SYLVESTER: 13:26

Oh, because flowers $10.

JASMEKA: 13:27

That'd be something that we'd have to agree on, and and, of course, it'd be a good reason if we was to agree to something like that.

SYLVESTER: 13:35

Yeah, because we agree Personally. We're sharing this. We agree that we're not buying each other gifts this year.

JASMEKA: 13:41

Yeah.

SYLVESTER: 13:41

We ain't doing it.

JASMEKA: 13:50

Not doing it year round. It's the day that's gonna come, but guess what?

SYLVESTER: 13:53

christmas on the 25th, even though I still bought something but um, oh I hope. I hope your heart, I hope your heart, because I ain't got, I don't expect that.

JASMEKA: 14:00

I'm not ordering, I don't okay, okay okay, his heart in the right place that's something that I did, even though we said we ain't gonna do it. I just I couldn't pass it up. It was a deal I couldn't pass up.

SYLVESTER: 14:13

So he breaking rules.

JASMEKA: 14:15

And you deserve it, baby.

SYLVESTER: 14:16

Thank you, but you breaking rules, don't you? No, you breaking rules, but that was something we agreed on we not buying each other gifts Christmas. On December 25th, jamarcus moving to his apartment December 26th we got to haul him up to North Carolina get him situated.

JASMEKA: 14:31

Our oldest child is moving away for college, and so we have funds allocated for that. That's a whole nother situation to handle and we have to take. We have to definitely take that into consideration when you talk about buying gifts and Christmas and all this. Don't let the world throw you off. Don't let the world throw your world off People.

SYLVESTER: 14:54

Your relationship is still good. If all he could get you was a pair of bedroom slippers, a new pair of drawers. Don't buy me no drawers. What you trying to tell me?

JASMEKA: 15:05

Just trying to say, oh, you got drawers, don't?

SYLVESTER: 15:08

buy, no drawers.

JASMEKA: 15:09

Don't buy no drugs. Don't buy no drugs. So, as men, though, as men, you know, sometimes as husbands, I'm going to say sometimes we have to be the ones to kind of, you know, play referee or um, you know, making sure that y'all don't, that our women don't get themselves entangled in the too many activities. Too many yeses you done, uh, said yeah to too many people and committed yourself to many different tasks, too many different. You know what I'm saying During the holiday, and then once that gets stressful to her, because if you stress out, then that's going to scratch me out, because I'm going to get the spillover from that. So it's my job to make sure to tug your coat and make sure your plate is full. That's going to have to be a no.

SYLVESTER: 16:03

I think that's easier for you guys. Again, women are more relational, so we gotta attend the Christmas friends party, the families. I won't say women.

JASMEKA: 16:13

It's not that women are more relational we definitely relate it's just that men are more practical. Let's go with that practical and less emotionally driven, that's it.

SYLVESTER: 16:26

Okay, but now I want to get on this time sharing. Sound like I'm at kids court custody or something Time sharing, sharing because you got a family.

SYLVESTER: 16:38

I got a family and the holidays, just the expectation of you got to be with your family. I got to be with my family, but we are one. Just how does that time sharing work for people? That's in relationships that it's not one-sided you're my family always getting us, your family never getting us. Just sharing that time like how is it for us? It's distributed on what these finance, looking like how we, what we, where we feel like being. It's the mood for us definitely it's not okay.

SYLVESTER: 17:16

Every thanksgiving I'm here and every christmas I'm here. That is it.

JASMEKA: 17:21

Don't work like that over here yeah, if I, if I want to get bored, I mean I get, I get bored easily, so I can't just do the same thing. Um, but I think one of the first things that we're going to consider when it comes to that is finances.

SYLVESTER: 17:36

Um, what does budget say? Where?

JASMEKA: 17:38

can we be Right I?

SYLVESTER: 17:39

think, say we need to be home, do we have a budget?

JASMEKA: 17:42

we can go yeah, do we have a budget for that? If we need to travel, then do we have a budget for that, on top of gifts, on top of you know what I'm saying? So we definitely have to take all that into consideration and also sorry I was gonna say also, what's the itinerary like?

SYLVESTER: 17:59

we're not just driving up to my mom's and it's really nothing planned when there's probably a big event planned here, like this year we spent thanksgiving here, then we'll be in at my mom's for christmas, but it wasn't on. I gotta, we gotta, spend every thanksgiving with your mom, every christmas with my mom. It was just the plans. His mom planned she wanted to cook for all her grandchildren. So it was like, okay, we're going to honor her wish and stay home for the grandchildren. But my mom she's like I just had surgery, I'm going to get in here and try to whip up something. We ain't driving up to try to whip up something. So I think it's just you know whatever what's happening on those vacations.

SYLVESTER: 18:46

But, I also want to talk about the uncomfortableness around our families, like are we communicating that to our significant other? Are we talking about the boundaries that's going to be in place? Because just because you feel uncomfortable don't mean I'm going to be selfish and I ain't going and I ain't participating, unless it's a safety concern. Like you know, if I go to, the grandma might jump across the table and slap me. You got to slap them back.

SYLVESTER: 19:14

I hope not Like if it's that, please stay home. But if it's just on something, I don't like how they look at me, I don't like how they talk to me. Give it up, like, give up that moment for your spouse if they want to go, and you show face when it's time to go and you've had enough you be like, hey, babe, all right people, then it's over. I did it for you and y'all leave and go home. But I don't think we should just deprive our significant others because of the uncomfortable way we feel If it's not safety.

JASMEKA: 19:48

Right. So what I want to bring it to is the task and the different duties that come along with the holidays, like who cooking, who doing the shopping, doing it together, like managing things like that, managing in-law expectations and things like that, like how we navigate and all that. You just touched on the in-laws, but who's doing the shopping, who's doing the cooking? Like, how do you, how do we do that dance During the holidays as a couple?

SYLVESTER: 20:26

We communicate our expectations. I do the shopping Something I love Like he'll throw out what he want to buy for his mom, like, hey, I'm thinking I need to get my mom A back massager this year. And it's like, okay, let me do my research, let me find it, or, if he got it, he'll send it to me and I'll order it. But I do the shopping, we do the wrapping. Or, child, if we wrap them, because some years.

JASMEKA: 20:49

They be like put this thing in a bag sometimes um the cooking.

SYLVESTER: 20:53

It depends on where we are, like I'm. I don't feel I'm forced to cook every holidays, like I don't have that stress from you.

JASMEKA: 21:03

Mm-hmm, and the in-laws. I mean I, you know, I get in there, I throw something down or do my part. You know, I like the Cornish handed, I like the. You know what I'm saying. Mm-hmm, you get in there, you throw you something together, we gonna piece it together and it'll come out with a nice meal. Because we gonna gonna piece it together and it'll come out with a nice meal because we're gonna do what we got to do. As far as that goes, um one of us getting in there by itself like just saying we're gonna handle that, we ain't doing and then when it come to in-laws, y'all I like I say, if there's no safety concerns, I go to a job.

SYLVESTER: 21:40

I hope they ain't listening. You don't like everybody at your job, but what you do, you go. Every coworker that come by you ain't comfortable or you don't want to say hi, like, come on now. But we show up each and every day for that chat. So I just, I don't know, know in-laws around holidays is not a concern for me. I show face, I show up, I laugh, I greet, I eat, I give gifts to children and if it's in a budget to extend it to others, that we do.

JASMEKA: 22:14

But I don't know and when it comes to that, to that, to those duties and stuff, like a to-do list, um is helpful Having that conversation, knowing what's priority, what needs to be done, what tasks that we got on the list to be able to skate and make it through this season successfully. And then we attack that list this day, that day, start putting days on there, times Doing that, coordinating with job schedules and all of that and getting it done. Thank god that you know nowadays a lot of that shopping will get done, why you know saying it's gonna get done online very, very helpful. Um, I remember those days of running through the stores, the packed stores, trying to get in there before everything gone. A line in every store like hectic, stressful, right, this online thing. I took a lot of stress off of that and that is wonderful.

JASMEKA: 23:16

Thank God for technology, things like that also. The convenience of technology, like shopping online, can also add to things like the sad, the being depressed. You know falling into that depression because you're not spending as much time around people as you should. Just company being around people. It helps you stay out of that funk. So you know it's a gift and a curse, I guess.

SYLVESTER: 23:49

Yeah, I want to make a comment. We're not a blended family so I really can't speak to that experience, but I do want to mention it. How does Christmas look when you're coming into a blended situation? Say, you had children already on the outside, but now you're coming in. We're a family I probably got one from you but three from somebody else and we just having an amazing Christmas when there's children outside of the home. Are we distributing that evenly? I don't know. Having an amazing Christmas when there's children outside of the home Are we distributing that evenly?

SYLVESTER: 24:29

I don't know. I just feel like right now I'm speaking from a therapist's lens and it's like Christmas is for kids. I feel like them children should be shown love, whether it's y'all drop off the gifts together or the kids stop by. I don't know Like I can't really speak to it because I haven't experienced it, but I do see a lot of posts during that time. Oh, this nigga, he can give all them gifts to her and them kids and he don't do nothing over here and come on y'all. This relationship's one-on-one.

JASMEKA: 25:01

Right.

SYLVESTER: 25:02

Make sure you pick up them outside children gifts too. Ride together to drop them off. If you can't ride together because one of y'all not wanted over there, meet at Walmart or a police station or something, I don't Figure it out. Figure it out but don't feel like, oh, this is is my family, I created this family and forget about the other ones. That's outside that home. You and your spouse talk together to figure out how y'all gonna show love to them outside children. What can you do creatively? Um, yeah, and if y'all are together and there's no children, she got one, he got one. Make sure you get that person, that child, a gift too, especially if you're trying to be with this person in a committed relationship. Shower love on that child too, love on that baby, not just yours.

SYLVESTER: 25:59

Oh, I got so-and-so, these gifts, and these gifts and these gifts, and their child is never mentioned. You got to go, I'm sorry.

JASMEKA: 26:08

You know, yeah, um, if you are in a blended family, or even if you're not. We want to hear some of y'all stories.

SYLVESTER: 26:18

Gripes.

JASMEKA: 26:19

You know what I'm saying. Some of y'all you know stress stories um over the holidays.

SYLVESTER: 26:24

Make it through the holidays, y'all.

JASMEKA: 26:26

Like what y'all going through out there, what type of stresses y'allall had to kind of climb through and make it through, as a couple or as individual or as a single person, or as somebody who's dating somebody, or you know what I'm saying. Whatever your situation is, let us hear about those stress stories, man.

SYLVESTER: 26:48

Make sure during these times y'all protect each other. Protect each other, hear each other out, respect each other boundaries. If somebody disrespect I got an uncle, I just got to do a quick shout out. I got an uncle. If he feel like there's ever any disrespect to his union that he newly formed, he check it, he speak to it, he correct it, he make sure his wife is comfortable around us. He don't let stuff go. He don't let stuff slide. Nip it in the bud. Don't just make them sit there and take the abuse. It ain't fair, it ain't right. Nip it in the bud. Nip it in the bud. Nip it in the abuse it ain't fair, it ain't right.

JASMEKA: 27:36

Leave it in the bud. Leave it in the bud and his name is Bud, that's his name. Oh, that's good, so we want to. How do you want to end this With a lemon tea?

SYLVESTER: 27:51

because my throat hurts so bad. This was a long week for me. Shout out to my husband we had to put in 80 hours y'all to get two weeks off for Christmas. Wow. So when I say 9 am to 11 pm, some nights your girl been working, yeah, but we show up each and every week. We show up, we give value, we give content. Definitely we trying to save as many relationships as possible, we try y'all. We thought that this episode wouldn't be any better Because, hey, some people break up before Christmas because they ain't got no money.

JASMEKA: 28:39

Y'all better not be out here doing it, y'all better look in that house and see what still got a tag on it. Listen, if they break up with you before the holidays, just leave them broke, leave them broke.

SYLVESTER: 28:48

Leave them broke because they broke because we done bagged up some wine bottles that's like, yeah, alright, three gifts right here you know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA: 28:59

Do what you can do, man and past that. Don't stretch yourself out during the holidays. Holidays is for giving. It's for love. It don't mean you have to give a gift. Give what you have. Give what you have. Give it your time, give it your resources. In other areas of it's your kindness. It may just be a smile that somebody that brighten up somebody day. Maybe your laugh you may have one of them laughs that just make everybody else laugh. It may be your personality like give what you can give. Show up, up with you. You are the gift this holiday.

SYLVESTER: 29:35

I like it.

JASMEKA: 29:36

I love it and we out Peace. Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life.