VALUES OVER VANITY: The Surprising Truth About #RelationshipGoals Everyone Ignores!

Ever wondered what truly enriches a relationship beyond the surface-level attractions? Join us in a thought-provoking exploration of defining relationship values and vision. We promise you'll gain a fresh perspective on balancing tangible qualities like financial stability with the intangible ones such as loyalty, honesty, and shared spiritual foundations. We challenge societal norms that equate wealth with worth and delve into how social media can distort our expectations, urging a more realistic understanding of meaningful connections.

Our conversation takes a deep dive into how our self-worth reflects the values we seek in others. Discover why engaging in self-work is crucial to aligning personal values with those we desire in a partner. Learn about the significance of self-awareness and self-improvement as we discuss traditional dating dynamics and the often overlooked importance of setting standards and boundaries. We share insightful analogies, like grocery shopping without a list, to emphasize why knowing what you want in a partner is essential to avoiding the wrong choices and wasting precious resources.

Embark on a journey of self-reflection as we explore the concept of intentional dating. Identify non-negotiables and be open about feelings and past experiences to build genuine connections. This episode encourages listeners to move beyond outdated lists and superficial criteria, prioritizing traits that lead to lasting relationships. With personal anecdotes and practical advice, we aim to guide newlyweds and aspiring couples in building healthy, thriving relationships, focusing on quality over quantity for a truly fulfilling life.

Chapters

• 0:16 Defining Relationship Values and Vision
• 11:41 Self-Worth and Relationship Values
• 15:34 Establishing Relationship Standards and Values
• 20:03 Identifying and Valuing Personal Worth
• 24:34 Qualities of Intentional Dating
• 36:56 Revisiting Priorities in Adult Relationships

Transcript

SYLVESTER: 0:16

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Relationships 101 podcast, your introduction to a healthy, committed relationship. I'm your host, Sylvester Wilson.

JASMEKA: 0:38

And I'm your co-host, JasMeka Wilson.

SYLVESTER: 0:40

Yes, maybe you want a bite of orange right now oh, that's why you got on orange, today yeah, that's why you got on get me some vitamin C. I see what are we talking about yeah. What qualities do you value in a relationship?

JASMEKA: 1:02

last time we talked about how value men and established women. Today we'll zoom in on how do we define our worth and how do we choose a partner based on what we value.

SYLVESTER: 1:16

Okay, okay, because what we found out before in the last episode was that, you know, people have different things that they take into account when they're looking for a person, and a lot of, nowadays, I feel like, it's a lot of fantasy going on. It's a lot of fantasy, uh, wrapped up in social media going on when it comes to, you know us, finding our people, right, um, ain't no fantasy in it. So you might want somebody that's a high earner. Six, you know what I'm saying. Six figures, seven figures, right, that's a very small percentage of the population. You know what I'm saying, especially in our community, if you know what I mean. Um, so community, if you know what I mean. Um, so what other value?

SYLVESTER: 2:08

What other things do you value, though, with a person? Because, just like, if I ask any any one of these people who say that they want a high earner, if I ask them, oh well, well, is money everything? They're gonna say no, money ain't everything. So what I'm asking is what's the rest of it? What other things do you value? Because if there's other things that you do value other than money, you're gonna have to average those things out, right, you're gonna have to average and balance the money out with all of the other qualities for you to really get something good, and it may not meet the person, may not meet your highest standard, right. But when you take into account all the other qualities they bring to the table, then your highest standard may have to come down just a little bit, just so you can have something that makes sense. All right, so let's talk real love real love.

JASMEKA: 3:07

But before we talk real love, I want to hear what do you value in a relationship?

SYLVESTER: 3:13

dang, you just gonna hit me with that.

JASMEKA: 3:14

I'm gonna hit you with it uh, I value loyalty.

SYLVESTER: 3:20

I value, uh, honesty, I value, I value honesty. I value somebody with a spiritual foundation.

JASMEKA: 3:34

Any spiritual foundation.

SYLVESTER: 3:36

I mean, I'm a believer we should be equally yoked. I'm a Christian. I would definitely be looking for somebody who's a Christian. You ain't looking no more, though. You just saying. I'm just saying, well, come on, we'll be talking hypothetically. I mean, I'm talking about period, but you know, come on now, y'all help me out, okay, because this so uh, you, I would definitely be looking for somebody that's. That's, that matches me, okay In an aspect of my spirituality, and, of course, money does play a part in that. Who looking for it? Because I ain't trying to be struggling. So money plays a part, along with all of these other things. I'm saying, too, what you mean, what you want to ask me.

JASMEKA: 4:19

Well, money play a part, Wimbae, I ain't have no money.

SYLVESTER: 4:22

Qualities. That, yeah, but you had a whole lot of uh whole lot of money you had a whole lot of drive. You had a whole lot of drive. Your drive matched mine. You know what I'm saying. Okay, okay. Your faith level matched mine.

JASMEKA: 4:35

Okay, you know what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER: 4:36

So I knew that, uh, it wouldn't be a problem for you to, for you to get it. Sure, you was in school at the time you was going to get it a different type of way and that's what I'm saying. Like you're looking for somebody that particularly like they're a seven figure, six figure earner right now, do you have any vision when it comes to the person that you want? Most people I ask do you know what you want? And they I had in the dating world they hit me with the you know what? Nah, I don't know what I want. And for me, like that's an issue, because if you don't know what you want, then you're just that much further away from getting it. You got to take your time out with yourself, right, figure out what values what you actually do want in a person that you're looking for. Otherwise you just out here, just just winging it. You just out here, just what you ain't really got to aim. What's your vision?

JASMEKA: 5:30

you got to have a vision for what you want I think um it'll be good for us to tell them the definition of um. What does value mean? Like some people put that in, like tangible things.

SYLVESTER: 5:46

Right, right right.

JASMEKA: 5:47

So I think we should tap into that real quick.

SYLVESTER: 5:51

Okay, so value? Value refers to the qualities the qualities, the traits and contributions that make a person essential, that makes a person valuable. You know what I'm saying. In your life, what are these contributions, what are these qualities that this person brings that you feel like will enrich your life, that will upgrade you? You know what I'm saying? Let me up, excuse me. I think I said in our last episode that it don't really make much sense for you to be hung up over finding somebody that got what you got.

JASMEKA: 6:40

Right when we dropped our episode, kiki was on Club Shay. Shay, she was like, if I'm looking, when we dropped our episode, kiki was on Club Shay.

SYLVESTER: 6:46

Shay yeah.

JASMEKA: 6:47

And she was like if I'm looking for a high earner, this would not be an interview, this would be a date Like I'm not looking for. She pretty much was saying what you're saying Like I'm not looking for somebody that got money. I got money Right. I need somebody with substance. I need somebody.

SYLVESTER: 7:02

Yeah, yeah. And with substance, I need somebody like yeah, yeah, and she's a hot kid. She's a hot kid and she's been earning since she was a kid.

JASMEKA: 7:08

She was a millionaire at the age of 12.

SYLVESTER: 7:09

Exactly so. That's from somebody who been had the money. Yeah, but understand that there's other qualities that come into play. When you're talking about partnering with somebody you know what I'm saying and building with somebody, you definitely don't want them coming in empty-handed, but what you're looking for for them to have in their hand shouldn't be that depends on what you value and what you actually need, right? Because if I'm looking for somebody already got what I got, I want you to just match everything that I got, then we're going to be missing the same stuff too. You know what I'm saying. So how are you going to cover my weakness If you're strong, if we're both strong in the same area? Nah.

JASMEKA: 7:53

Spiritually. Spiritually, I'm all right with us being similar Like I need you to love the same God.

SYLVESTER: 8:01

Yeah, yeah, and I understand that. But then what have we on? We on different levels spiritually. That's great as far as growth levels, if I'm a baby and you're, mature, teach me.

JASMEKA: 8:11

Or if you a baby and I'm mature, I'll teach you. But as long as we serving the same God, I'm alright with that similarity teach me, baby, I'm done. I'm done emotionally. That light is blinding me. I'm done. I'm done Emotionally. Um, oh, that light is blinding me. I'm sorry.

SYLVESTER: 8:31

Emotionally what.

JASMEKA: 8:32

There's some emotional value, financial value, social value, intrinsic, intrinsic value.

SYLVESTER: 8:39

So the emotional value has to do with, of course, we already know that's providing support, understanding, uh, and and uh, I'm sorry, that's what is providing contributing stability to the relationship financially, and shared goals, of course. Are you somebody who I can depend on to help me meet goals? Can we set goals together to build, and you'll be able to actually come in as a partner with me instead of you know me carrying you? That's important. That's important because we got to be able to make moves together. You know what I'm saying? Uh, emotional value, that's about providing support, uh, understanding and connection. So, emotionally, got to be the.

SYLVESTER: 9:26

The social value that has more so to do with enhancing status, um, or fulfilling cultural expectations. You want somebody that, if they could enhance your status, bring you up, upgrade you status wise, uh, socially, then that's a plus Intrinsic value. Now, this goes beyond contributions and success. This more so focuses on a person's inherent worth, their character, integrity, the morals. What's their moral compass? How do they? Are they the type of person to try to get over on you as soon as they get a chance? Or or they're gonna, they're gonna keep it real all the way this is my biggest one, though.

JASMEKA: 10:43

Like I'm big on um integrity, I'm big on character. I'm big on honesty, same as loyalty.

SYLVESTER: 10:53

Yeah.

JASMEKA: 10:54

Like. For me, finances is great. I know we've been hitting on finances a lot. I need you to make some money, because love don't pay bills here, ooh. But my like, loyalty, honesty, respect, kindness I need that. I thrive on that, not even in relationship to you and my friends. I want open, I want honesty, I want to be able to trust you and I feel like that's how I build relationships in a healthy way, definitely.

JASMEKA: 11:33

My dilemma here is I was trying to be nice on this episode. I promise y'all okay, I've been sitting quietly. I think people don't know what they value in somebody else because their self-worth or how they is personally as an individual. I can't seek for goodness if goodness ain't in me, or I can't seek honesty if I'm not an honest person. So I feel like our self-worth and how we see ourself and how we show up determines what we look for in a person. If I'm a manipulator, I might get somebody that's going to manipulate me, you're definitely going to attract what you're attracting.

JASMEKA: 12:17

Or if I'm just for money, I'm going to get a high earner who probably is destructive.

SYLVESTER: 12:23

Morally yeah Right.

JASMEKA: 12:26

I think we got to do some self-work.

SYLVESTER: 12:29

If you're good, you're good, but if you ain't, I think your judgment is going gonna be off yeah, I think if you're not happy with yourself, um, or you just know, you know, because I mean, come on, we ain't never gonna feel like we're, you know, perfect, um, we shouldn't, um, but you still should have a, you still should have a a certain level of self-esteem about yourself. Um, you know the areas that you need to work on, and if you wouldn't date you you know they say that in a way to say that Would you put up with the things that you know you need to fix about yourself and another person Would you put up with it? And if not, then go ahead and work on that, because why would you want somebody else to put up with it? And if not, then go ahead and work on that, because why would you want somebody else to put up with something you would right, you know? Then. So let's take the time out to work on us. Work on us first, because ultimately, that's what you're gonna attract anyway.

SYLVESTER: 13:29

So, especially for my, for my, for my sisters out here, um, especially for the ladies, you know what I'm saying, because the men, we, the one out here hunting, we, the one supposed to be out here Especially for the ladies, you know what I'm saying, because the men, we the one out here hunting, we the one supposed to be out here hunting and stepping to you and all of that, like we gotta be, you know, we the one gotta be playing offense, for the most part Women, y'all just supposed to attract it. You supposed to attract it, meaning.

JASMEKA: 13:55

What are the men hunting for? Boobs and butt?

SYLVESTER: 13:58

The man got to know what they want. They got to know what they want. If, if, if that's all you done got so far, if that's all a man has, has, has has actually taken the time out to to evaluate in regards to what he won't, then that's all he's gonna run into. You know what I'm saying. And if that's when he realized you know, I was young before like once you realize that that don't fulfill you, then you start getting bored with that type of stuff and you you want something deeper. You know what I'm saying. And then that list gets a little longer. So we just here to say, hey, you might want to start working on that. List gets a little longer. So we just here to say, hey, you might want to start working on that list.

SYLVESTER: 14:40

Because that's like going shopping, going grocery shopping, without a list. You end up spending way more money than what you should have spent and you end up buying things that you can't even really use, Like you really don't even have. You know what I'm saying. Like you ain't even finna cook that like stuff. That's just nothing Like. Why did don't even have a? You know what I'm saying. Like you ain't even finna cook that like stuff. That's just nothing Like. Why did I even buy this? And it's the same in the dating world man, if you don't have a list, if you don't have any, any, any, any, um, if you don't know what you want, then you'll end up just picking up anything. I just had a conversation with one of my cousins Um, uh, shout, picking up anything. I just had a conversation with one of my cousins.

JASMEKA: 15:19

Shout out Shavars. I was going to say don't say no name. I don't know the conversation. I just don't know who you're talking about.

SYLVESTER: 15:27

It ain't nothing crazy. We was talking about just how it was a female. Somebody posted a female on social media. A young lady posted another young lady who was just dressed she was dressed any type of way and it showed like the little text message with her and the dude. And the dude was like telling her, like you know, she was like I'm ready and the dude was like, well, this is what you're wearing. I ain't taking you out. Like you ain't going out with me, you know that. And she was like what? Like it's plenty dudes that spend money on me. Just like I'm grown right. And he just like man, it ain't not me like holla and I'm telling cuz like hey, look, it ain't really about controlling somebody, it's about the fact that, listen men, to know that men have to have standards too.

JASMEKA: 16:19

That probably was his non-negotiable.

SYLVESTER: 16:20

You know what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER: 16:21

Like men, like a lot of us men, like I see a lot of men with like we're not stepping forward with our standards. We just taking these women however they come. Just because I understand if you're young and you ain't really used to getting that and you just taking whatever coming right. But once you start to, you know, get a little bit more mature in your life and you start making actually moves of your own and you got your own little motion going on there and guess what, bring some standards along with your motion. You know I'm saying don't just be taking anybody. And that female, I'm sure she from how she was talking to the guy, I can tell that she was used to telling these guys what to do and they're the ones with pain. It's like how you got somebody calling shots on your dollar. You know what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER: 17:06

Men, you know I'm saying I'm like these are our sons. You know what I'm saying. I'm thinking about my sons like that ain't how they're supposed to go. Have some standards about yourself. If that's a no-go for you because she have naked going out with you, then that's a no-go for you. If it's not, then it's not, that's on you, but what about the attitude of the attitudes are no-go. Don't just be going out taking spending your money on her, and that ain't really what you looking for. You you know what I'm saying. What are you looking for? There's a lot of trash out here.

JASMEKA: 17:41

And there's some treasure too.

SYLVESTER: 17:43

There's some what.

JASMEKA: 17:44

There's some treasure out there, it is. They just keep picking up trash and then, when treasure come, they treat them like trash.

SYLVESTER: 17:52

That's another conversation we're going to have to date. You know that's crazy, though that's crazy. That's another conversation. You know that's crazy, though that's crazy. That is another conversation we're going to have to get. We're probably going to have to do an episode on the dating pool.

JASMEKA: 18:03

I heard it's pissy.

SYLVESTER: 18:04

Listen, I don't like that though, because I'm sure, like that, everybody's experience ain't the same. So just because you done ran into some pissy pools and and and some crushy draws and all that and you, you know, I'm saying you waiting in the dirty water, you might need to change where you at in the pool, because the whole pool ain't dirty, you just in a dirty spot and who knows, the dirt might be coming from you.

JASMEKA: 18:39

I was just going to say. Is that a reflection of yourself?

SYLVESTER: 18:41

Exactly Because get what we talking about water, and water reflects. So it might be a reflection of you If you talking about it's pissy and dirty. So let's, let's work on ourselves. First and foremost is all I'm saying. And let's not just buy so much, be so fast to buy into that narrative that you know ain't nothing out there? Ain't nothing out there. I heard Rod Way say it too. I mean, it's a narrative that's out there and it got popular. But let's not be so quick to fall into that narrative, man, of ain't nothing out there. How ain't nothing out there? You out there, right? And if you really want something of value, then you're somebody of value. People of value want value. So if you're out there looking for value, there's other people that's out there looking for value too.

JASMEKA: 19:31

So I would just dare to you gonna host a single event for them or something. We, we, we, we, we A valued single.

SYLVESTER: 19:35

We could do that, we could do that what y'all think, what y'all think, man, we could do that. We could do that what y'all think, what y'all think man Put it down in the comments. Put it down in the comments.

JASMEKA: 19:43

We need all the singles meet up yeah, because value You'll have them sending what they value in a relationship or in a partner first, and then try to make sure they can come.

SYLVESTER: 19:56

Exactly Because another narrative, too, that I want to knock down is that high value only is is financial right. We all have high value in some form or fashion. God created all of us with high value. It's just that you may not know what your high value is, and if you don't know it, baby, then I don't know it. You know what I'm. Once you can identify your own value, then you can walk in that and you step in the room with that in front. You know what I'm saying. And then now people recognize you as high value. And it don't have to be your finances. It can be how you carry yourself. It can be how you treat people. People are attracted to different things, and that's what we talk about now. Like what do you, what qualities do you value in a person? And those same qualities that you value in a person, person, a person is looking for those qualities that you have, and you don't be thinking that you're I'm sorry, baby don't be thinking you ain't high value just because you ain't making the money. No, you have value.

JASMEKA: 20:53

Just just identify what your value is first and make sure that those values come from you, not something that was passed down. Oh, baby, he got to be this and he got to be that and he got to be this.

SYLVESTER: 21:05

What you mean Somebody else telling them what they should be looking for?

JASMEKA: 21:08

Yeah, telling you this what a man should be, and that's your list, and you moving from that place when it's like do you really care about everything that's on that list, or is something missing?

SYLVESTER: 21:21

Right.

JASMEKA: 21:22

Because grandma and them was different Different times. Different, it's different, yeah. So what grandma valued in a man, it need to be added on to. I don't just need to provide a grandma. I need somebody emotionally stable. Okay, I need somebody honest.

SYLVESTER: 21:39

Yeah.

JASMEKA: 21:40

I need somebody that's gonna come home, and I have a baby ten houses down for me there's different time.

SYLVESTER: 21:46

They used to be sliding, friend editing them used to be sliding, yeah, they'll bring the bacon, but you is to get some bacon, hey, they.

JASMEKA: 21:55

So it's just different times. Just what do you value? Write those things down. If you see it in a person, have a conversation about it, be like oh, you know, I really value this, I really value that, and do you see that getting in the way of our relationship? I like honesty. Are you an honest person? And just pay attention to the actions, because we all gonna say, yeah, I'm honest, I'm faithful, I'm loyal, I'm trustworthy. But then the next day, he telling you about something in his family or his mama or his child, and it's like, oh, I thought, I thought he was honest, I thought he was dependable. Just you know, make sure you you checking those things off with some actionable things some actionable things, because I know some people got some lists out there.

SYLVESTER: 22:42

They just not, uh, they're just not realistic list, like I say. Ain't nothing wrong with him being a six figure, earn a seven figure, but baby well, we ain't bashing nobody on the income.

JASMEKA: 22:54

We're just trying to change the trajectory of where we're headed, where men just got to have a lot of money, like all we hearing in these narratives and it's songs. There's a whole lot of money in it yeah and come on see someone give help me. Yes, get some niggas, get some money. I don't know, but y'all, y'all know the songs, y'all hear them.

JASMEKA: 23:15

So we're just trying to challenge that, like, look beyond them dollars look beyond them baby, I'd rather cry in a honda than in a, in a in a roseworth or whatever like how about you?

SYLVESTER: 23:29

you'd rather not cry?

JASMEKA: 23:30

yeah, I'd rather not cry, but if I'd rather smile in a honda yeah, then cry.

SYLVESTER: 23:35

you know what I'm saying why? Because that talks about the quality of life that you live in. You know what I'm saying why? Because that talks about the quality of life that you live in. You know what I'm saying, not the quantity of life. You can have all that, man, but if you ain't happy, if you don't feel fulfilled about yourself, you missing it. Like why are you not living For real? That's why you see so many people with a bunch of stuff you know what I'm saying commit suicide and just do all type of, get all doped up on drugs. They don't the quality ain't there in the life. The quantity is, but the quality ain't there. You know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA: 24:08

Once that show I've been binging I was like ugh, why am I going down this rabbit hole?

SYLVESTER: 24:13

Tyler Perry Black Beauty.

JASMEKA: 24:16

Black Beauty.

SYLVESTER: 24:17

It's crazy.

JASMEKA: 24:18

It's crazy.

SYLVESTER: 24:19

It's crazy.

JASMEKA: 24:20

She married into money money, but that is the most corrupt. If you looking for marital advice, that show ain't got it.

SYLVESTER: 24:31

It's what not to do it's.

JASMEKA: 24:33

It's talking about what we're talking about. Financially, he got it. Morally, he ain't got it exactly that's crazy.

JASMEKA: 24:41

It's crazy, but um and and real quick when I was in um when I attended nova um, a girl I was in class with she was going through a divorce or whatever and she said uh, I got the rural. She said you get tired of shopping, you get tired of eating out, you just want to be happy, like. The message is, it's beyond the dollars. If you get the dollars in and he's loyal and he's honest and he's dependable. That is amazing, hallelujah Jesus. But I got the first. I got the latter and he's honest and he's dependable. That is amazing, hallelujah Jesus, but I got the first.

JASMEKA: 25:25

I got the latter and he's working financially and I'm okay. What's your non-negotiables? Do you know?

SYLVESTER: 25:34

So we're just talking about being more intentional. You out there dating Date intentionally. What episode are we talking about? I forgot maybe friends, oh I don't I show up I forgot. So listen though, but you want to date intentionally, though you know what I'm saying. Um, and that means writing stuff down. If it's that serious, right, if it really means something to you, write it down, man, make it plain, share it. Share it with a trusted individual. Trust it.

JASMEKA: 26:12

Like, friend, you think I'm doing too much, or you think these are realistic. Am I missing something? Like, especially if the person being married I'm run that list by them. You think you think this, this is a good list. You think I'm overlooking something or I'm not realistic about something?

SYLVESTER: 26:33

have a conversation have a conversation with them. Um, ask meaningful questions. That's a big one when dating. Focus on the deeper conversations that reveal more depth. You want to get in depth when you're talking to people. Stop talking to people about how much they make. Once you get that, ask the question.

SYLVESTER: 26:53

But if you ain't got nothing else to talk about, that's something else too. Like, if you're dating somebody, the only questions they have for you is pertaining to your finances. This ain't a person you want to actually try to build nothing with, because, furthermore, that lets you know that they don't know what they looking for, or maybe that's all they looking for, which means that they haven't really sat down with this list long enough to really take it serious. Um, and they're they're going to run into a lot of. That's a very shallow person Like, come on. Um, so when you haven't on the other side, when you're having a conversation with somebody, get in depth, don't run away from them.

SYLVESTER: 27:32

Deep conversations, man, if you don't want to open up the people that you're dating, I ain't saying, like, on a first date, you got to tell them everything. If you're that type of person, then you know nothing wrong with that too, either. But, um, if you're looking for, for love, vulnerability. I don't know how many times I got to say it, but love is attracted to vulnerability. Love is attracted to vulnerability. If you're not vulnerable, you're closed up. You don't want to be transparent and share what you're thinking. You don't want to share what you're feeling. You don't want to share something that might have happened to you that affects how you is now.

SYLVESTER: 28:15

These are things that come up in a conversation with people, especially on a dating level. Somebody's trying to get to know you. You got to open up. And if you're frigid and you just, then somebody's just going to assume that, okay, you just here for the little ride, right quick, then you know what I'm saying. You just here for a little sex and you know going about your business. And if that's what it is, communicate that too, but don't waste people's time, because there's some real people out here looking for some real things. You know what I'm saying. And just sex alone, that's not a real thing. Just money, that's not a real thing. We know the society we're living in right now. Money, it's some hoes in this house. It's some hoes in this house. There's some hoes in this.

JASMEKA: 29:00

There's a lot of them out there.

SYLVESTER: 29:01

I ain't hear that song in a while. Babe. That's the society we in right now. Everything come back full circle. You know what I'm saying and this is where we at right now. You got a lot of them out there and again, that's why you got to have meaningful conversations with people to see where they at, see what their intentions are for you. You know I'm saying a lot of y'all dudes probably can avoid getting set up by chicks nine days too, if you would have deep conversations. But instead you sitting there with her she's half naked and you just expecting to just have sex and spend a little money on her, and she set you up. And it's the fifth time you done got robbed this year, cause you ain't looking for nothing. You ain't looking for nothing, you ain't gonna get nothing.

SYLVESTER: 29:48

Um, stay, stay flexible, all right, because life changes and, uh, so do the needs in the relationship. So stay flexible with that. Reassess what truly matters to you, all right. Um, as you grow, because the things that that you may have been looking for on that list before it may have grown, you know, it may have changed. You know I'm saying like of us, our list was just shallow stuff. We was young and dumb. You know what I'm saying. If you're still going off your same list you had in middle school, you ain't grown.

JASMEKA: 30:25

You just had to be fine. You ain't had clean shoes and be a little bit popular.

SYLVESTER: 30:33

Okay. That was it and some women out here still looking for the same thing. Adults full of adults still got the same qualification they looking for in a man that they was looking for in a boy and they wonder why they get a boy. That what you were looking for. Let me drink some water please.

JASMEKA: 30:57

Who are you?

SYLVESTER: 30:59

I speak in love.

JASMEKA: 31:00

Y'all know that I speak in love um go ahead baby I was just saying, like, are you looking at your list and trying to match it to a partner, or are you just taking people for what it is and not what you want, like you don't even know what you want or there's no list. Be flexible. Like he's saying, remember, nobody's perfect, nobody's perfect.

SYLVESTER: 31:30

I just want to say this girl looks so good right now.

JASMEKA: 31:36

Was that on your list? Did you value?

SYLVESTER: 31:39

beauty.

JASMEKA: 31:40

Was that a? Thing? Was that a? Thing?

SYLVESTER: 31:43

Yes, it was.

JASMEKA: 31:44

Oh, okay, was that the only thing Of course? Not oh, okay.

SYLVESTER: 31:48

Of course not. All righty. How do you recognize if value is being measured in a very unhealthy way, like how sometimes we, you know you're looking for the value that you might be able to find in a person, but you're putting on some broken glasses while you're looking. You know what I'm saying. Some ways to recognize a value is being kind of assessed in a wrong and unhealthy way would be kind of prioritizing external, external appearances over over emotional connection, that's. That's yeah, she fine, but she crazy. Or she fine, but I can't get. No, she ain't connecting, though Like I can't. I can't get. No, she ain't connecting, though like I can't get no depth out of. All she want to talk about is shoes, purses, like what in the world go to head?

JASMEKA: 32:47

um, you can do the next one focus in too much on financial or material things over reliance on social media image measuring worth based on comparison of someone else, conditional love or acceptance. So these are ways that they can identify and say a measuring value you can unhealthy.

SYLVESTER: 33:19

Yeah, um you measuring value based on social media and what you see on social media like, come on bro that's so elementary I just want to say, because we all post our good angles on social media.

JASMEKA: 33:35

You got some people that are just air out all their business, but that's a a small percentage and when we do see that being done on social media, we bash it. So you're trying to compare your relationship just because just off an image. What happens when you scroll past that, like Like you don't know what's happening after that picture is taken? They probably smile for that picture and cuss to each other as soon as it was over. So, yeah, don't be, don't, mm-mm, mm-mm. When these relationships just start popping up and everybody like, oh, I wanna be like, I wanna name drop but want to be like. I want to name drop but I want to be like P Diddy. And what's the girl's name from City Girl, city Girl, what's?

SYLVESTER: 34:22

the name Young Miami.

JASMEKA: 34:23

Young.

SYLVESTER: 34:23

Miami, carisha.

JASMEKA: 34:25

Everybody wanted to be like that. Now, guess what? Everybody's silent and trying to bash and it's just like that was just something you admired a couple of months ago. So that's where I challenge what do you value? Do you just value popularity? Do you just value what's hot right now, like? What do you stand for?

SYLVESTER: 34:46

is it just image? Do you just value image? You just want to be somebody who you can look good yeah, look good with in public.

JASMEKA: 34:52

You know I'm saying well, if that's what you want, tell the person be like I. I genuinely don't want this relationship. I just want to take nice pictures right can we have a friendship like that?

SYLVESTER: 35:03

you can rent you a little model or something. If that's the case, what are your values?

JASMEKA: 35:07

you?

SYLVESTER: 35:07

know what I'm saying? Um, let's be let's be reality based with what we asking for Right. Let's base it on what we want, like what you want in a person.

JASMEKA: 35:21

And don't just give a cliche saying, oh, I want my relationship to be like my parents or my auntie, them, when, like, I want you to do that, it's like, so you just want what other people have. Is that what you value? And right, right, what do you need? Because I don't need what and he don't need what every man need, or I don't need what every woman need. What do you need?

SYLVESTER: 35:47

it's tailor-made, it's custom. Love is custom made, man. So how? How to address unhealthy dynamics? If it's an unhealthy dynamic, you want to use open communication. Talk openly about your values and about your needs. That way we can get down to if this is a match. Have a real conversation when you get with people. Man, stop settling for just a nigga showing a jerry to you and they grill and they still um jerry right here about the big change that they were oh, yeah, yeah it's like 20 or 30 dollars, and if they want to go big, it may be 80 or 100.

JASMEKA: 36:30

So if y'all just going off a necklace, y'all better have a checker in y'all pocket to make sure it's a diamond check and see if you get a B.

SYLVESTER: 36:39

The teeth too, because everybody got that nowadays. But you know what? Everybody ain't got what you looking for. Everybody ain't got what you looking for, but everybody can throw a chain on or throw some grill, a grill in their mouth, and so don't fall for that stuff, man. That's, that's some elementary stuff. We talking adults right now, grown women, grown men. If you looking for something, uh, that's grown and mature, then you got to get real about what you're looking for and throw away that old elementary middle school list that you got. Um, what you said, baby?

JASMEKA: 37:19

um revisit priorities. Revisit your list, seek professional guidance and yeah.

SYLVESTER: 37:31

So are you prioritizing the right traits in a partnership? Are you prioritizing the right traits in a partnership because you can have a gym right now g y m, no, no, that's the wrong gym. You can have somebody from the work yeah, that was a lot of y'all look about but no, you can have a GEM in your presence and in your grasp right now, but you're not prioritizing the qualities in them that actually will bring value to the relationship. You're too busy looking at the cottage drive. You ain't even dug deep enough to see what the values are and the qualities are that they have. So let's get out the shallow stuff, man, please. Well, I'm glad, or that booty she bought, even if it's real. Let's get past that fellas. Let's get past it, man, because I heard it be stank anyway.

JASMEKA: 38:36

What? That's what.

SYLVESTER: 38:38

I heard.

JASMEKA: 38:38

I'm glad when he was going through the that's what I heard. When he was in his dating pool he wasn't going off a little boy list Because your girl ain't have a car or a job. She had a baby and she was in school. So if he was going off that list I wouldn't have made it, but baby yeah.

SYLVESTER: 38:59

Listen, man, I'm, you know.

JASMEKA: 39:03

Got to save you because you're not. What time is it? I think we recorded a little too late in the day. You had a lot of life.

SYLVESTER: 39:11

Life was life in today. But you know I'm a night owl 21 pm.

JASMEKA: 39:17

I'm a night owl, so you know it's time for me to log off because your boy mouth getting a little reckless. Would you agree, y'all we out out Peace.

SYLVESTER: 39:56

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life.