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COMPETITION OR COLLABORATION?: The Quickest Way To Ruin A Relationship

• Sylvester & Jasmeka Wilson • Season 1 • Episode 32

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What if your relationship could thrive without the burden of competition and conflict? Discover the transformative power of collaboration over competition in our Relationships 101 Podcast episode, where we unravel the subtle yet profound shift from "me versus you" to "us versus the problem." We tackle the sneaky ways competition can undermine your relationship, such as keeping score and constant criticism, and guide you towards embracing a more unified and supportive partnership. By recognizing that both partners are on the same team, we can nurture healthier, more committed relationships.

In this episode, we explore the vital role of communication and language in building and maintaining a healthy relationship dynamic. Discover how simple shifts in vocabulary from "I" to "we" can foster unity and bridge gaps created by social influences and insecurities. We highlight the importance of transparency, vulnerability, and regularly affirming your partner to maintain a strong bond. Join us as we dissect how personal insecurities and external validations can fuel unhealthy competition and present practical solutions for restoring balance and mutual respect.

Take a step towards becoming the best version of yourself while nurturing the bond with your partner. We delve into understanding and celebrating each other's successes, rather than comparing and competing. By embracing collaboration and committing to the work required, couples can transform potential conflicts into opportunities for growth and unity. Let’s journey together towards fostering a collaborative relationship culture, ensuring that love and understanding triumph over rivalry and resentment.

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SYLVESTER:

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Relationships 101 Podcast, your introduction to a healthy, committed relationship. I'm your host, Sylvester Wilson.

JASMEKA:

And I'm your co-host, JasMeka Wilson.

SYLVESTER:

Yes, isn't she lovely.

JASMEKA:

What are we talking about today? Lord that little bread is pretty. What are we talking about today?

SYLVESTER:

lord that little bread is pretty. What are we talking about? Um compete or collaborate is it me versus you?

JASMEKA:

or us first the problem that's what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER:

So you got to choose, because that collaborative, that competitive thing inside of a relationship, it becomes counterproductive.

JASMEKA:

I was just about to say that sound real, real, real saucy. But why do some people make their relationships their battleground? Like, why do we come into these relationships and wanna?

SYLVESTER:

fight.

JASMEKA:

Wanna be the one.

SYLVESTER:

There's a lot of reasons for that. Let's first get into some signs, though, of it. Like how do you know you even in, or that your relationship has a competitive issue going on? Because it's crazy. It is Like it just doesn't fit. We grew up playing sports track competitions and football competitions and best basketball, baseball, like all this stuff makes sense. Right for you to compete, you want to be the best, you want to win and, hey, everybody want to go home with the goal and be champions.

JASMEKA:

But inside of a relationship, that's when it just don't make sense I'm glad you said that, because subconsciously I think we compete without even knowing yeah like in several instances in our relationship you had to be like, hey, babe, we on the same team, like just natural born leader, natural born competitor. Like my last name was battle, so your girl likes the battle. So it's just that reminder that hey, we, we not on, we on the same team we on the same team on the same team. It's us versus them and it's it's things.

SYLVESTER:

that's another thing that we, that we say too, just kind of those, the words that kind of help bring us back is you know, I'm not your enemy. That's just another way to say that, or even telling yourself she's not my enemy or he's not my enemy, a reminder that we're on the same team. And I feel like when you grow up in, maybe, a household of competition whether it was healthy competition right outside of the house, but then some of us grew up into a competition that was within the house as well and grew up watching parents compete in an unhealthy way of course, like the bad competition, and watching you know, siblings, we do it not saying who gonna do this first, who gonna?

SYLVESTER:

do this first who got the best grades, naturally and when we grow up and get into relationships um committed relationships, we bring those things into that relationship unknowingly so that's something we have to leave and cleave you gotta, you gotta do that on the porch somewhere okay, so he not just talking about the bible?

JASMEKA:

just don't tell us to leave and cleave our family. It it's like all that mess that competitive.

SYLVESTER:

All that you got out of that house, leave it there Right on the curb. Mondays and Thursdays, the garbage man come Over here anyway, south Florida, what are some signs of a competition Keeping score?

JASMEKA:

I did it last night. What they call the one-upmanship just trying to one-up each other all the time yeah, because I went to jamaica when I was 10 and I went when I was 11. Oh, my god, you were so beautiful.

SYLVESTER:

Sorry, I'm just animating you jealousy of success, tell that man congratulations. See, sometimes we may you know, some of us are in relationships where you know we both may be high earners or we both just may be naturally competitive. But it's like, bruh, that's not in the relationship though. Like, keep that on the outside, Keep that at the job. You know what I'm saying. Keep that in your workplace, in your career, where you're competing in an industry or what have you, but not against your partner. We on the same team Criticism of achievements. So instead of congratulating, you criticize. You know what I'm saying. Well, you know, what you could have did was this everybody patting the man on the back and he just got five medals. You gotta be the one to come up talk about what he did wrong and what he could have did right. Not you, just just not you alright, withholding information or help. That that's also competitive, Because some people sometimes we get petty. We get petty. Your partner's sick and you don't want to take him to the doctor.

JASMEKA:

What they want him to die.

SYLVESTER:

Well, if you're that sick, drive yourself to the doctor. It get crazy. They don't sound like love, do it. Drive yourself to the doctor. It get crazy, they don't sound like love, do it. But I think once we've allowed this thing to go for so long that tit for tat back and forth, it becomes a part of the culture. And then now you saying mean and being mean and nasty to each other, it's normal to y'all.

JASMEKA:

So is that competing or it sounds like the person just over the relationship at that point I mean, it may be, but what?

SYLVESTER:

but it came from right, the competitiveness that started, like we didn't check that at the door, so we kept on with the back and forth, we kept on, and, and then it grew. It grew resentment between us because, come on, if it's me versus you, like, since when, first of all, it's hard to take criticism from an enemy, right, um, so even if you're my partner, but you're trying to give me some type of constructive criticism Once you've already positioned yourself as an enemy by competing with me at any point, then now, naturally, the defense is already up. And if we just keep doing this same dance, muscle memory, muscle memory it's like somebody who physically abused somebody, right, every time they come around, every time they come around, every time they raise their hand, they could be yawning, oh, they jumping, like it's like, well, god they. Or somebody who's been in physical, uh, um, abuse relationships. Somebody could be doing a, a regular little yawn or something, a stretch, and they, they on guard.

SYLVESTER:

You know what I'm saying. And that's not a place to be in love, because I'm supposed to be taking something from you, or be able to, and you're supposed to be able to take something from me, that's what friends do, so it also deteriorates the friendship when we're competing up against, competing against each other. Um, there's also an over emphasis on independence, um, inside of a relationship that has competition. So it's me, me, me, my, my, my. About what I did, about what you know, like yourself, um, um, I got this going on. Oh, I got motion.

SYLVESTER:

Pay what you got whatever you got instead of my motion is your motion, Bay? Oh, I got motion. You need to get you some motion.

JASMEKA:

I'm glad you said that, because that's where it comes from, like there's a root cause to the competition, whether it was the jokes like Bay, you ain't doing this, or you can't do this, or you ain't. Comparison yeah, something open that door to make us compete. So we gotta look into what happened. Why did we turn into? Because in the beginning of a relationship you're not competing with that person you're trying to win them all, win them over.

JASMEKA:

You're trying to build a team. It's us versus whoever, and then y'all get into this unit and now it's me versus you, when it was, in the beginning, us versus them. So it's like what transpire? We all got to be accountable what do we do or say to make our spouse compete?

SYLVESTER:

what is my part in it? What's my part what's my part in it?

JASMEKA:

even just naturally got a jealous hearted person right. It ain't nothing you could do about that that person gotta get some help. That's just something in them. They it don't. They it could be their mom. Are they jealous?

SYLVESTER:

that's just but then even that's still a part that you could play, because it takes two. So have I, have I been duped? Or? Or, um, have I been connived into? You know me noted? Or have I been connived into? You know me not paying attention? Have I been connived into actually playing this game when actually that ain't even me? But if you come at me, I'm going to defend myself, and then blah, blah, blah, and then now you do something, I'm throwing something you know, and now you end up in that, and now you're a part of it just as well as the other person in that, and now you're a part of it just as well as the other person. And so I think it comes a point where you have to first of all recognize what's going on, recognize your part in it, and then, pivot, do something different, because now there's a cycle, there's a very unhealthy cycle on, and you have a part to play in it.

JASMEKA:

Um, so I guess that move us into reasons of why people compete. Because we can look at a relationship and be like, oh, they compete, ouch, he say something, she say something she can tell all these things you feel it, you sense it and it's like well, what's really the issue?

SYLVESTER:

here.

JASMEKA:

That's bad, we know low self-esteem definitely is one I'm gonna always try to outdo you or, you know, overperform, because I'm suffering in this area we definitely know. I think that's the biggest one, though insecurities, insecurities, insecurities.

SYLVESTER:

Um then there's also past experiences. There's past experiences. We have, maybe social influences, right birds of a feather, you could be around people, that's competitive. The community, this nation the culture of society, women run kill the man. And then you fall into that women versus men thing and forget that, oh girl, you got a relationship. You're actually in a good relationship. I remember I had to tell my bae right who is his bae.

JASMEKA:

If he's trying to say something negative, it ain't me. If it's good, it's me. I remember I had to tell my bae, right, who is his bae. If he's trying to say something negative, it ain't me. Listen, if it's good it's me.

SYLVESTER:

I remember I had to remind her like, hey, you ain't no baby mama now, you ain't no single baby mama out here. So it's certain things that because you got friends that may be single parents or baby mamas and y'all you know may have certain vocabulary and that y'all use when y'all talking to each other, like I think I might have heard something that just sounded real baby mama-ish and it's like well, that ain you, that ain't your life, like that ain't uh-uh. You can leave that outside because that's not you. So I think the society, the, the, the social influences does make a big difference with that too, because a lot of y'all that ain't even y'all life. But you inside of a committed relationship, a good one too. But you inside of a committed relationship, a good one too. But you, acting like you've taken on certain traits of people who are in bad relationships and they it's toxic and they're competing against one another. That don't mean you got to be that way with your man.

JASMEKA:

That wasn't too bad, y'all, I'm bae. Oh, not you bae, not you bae I don't know what the blow was about to be, but I'm assuming I probably said something pertaining to the kids, like it was just mine. But I don't think that was a competing for placement. I just think my motherly, I don't know. I'm not even gonna make excuse for it, we don't even remember what you said, but it was one of them.

SYLVESTER:

Things to where dang, that's something that, like a single you know something somebody in a different situation would say or respond, and it's like even when it comes to competition, you could be bringing that into your relationship when that ain't even really like. You're creating that energy in your relationship and you don't even have that type of relationship right, I guess one that we can bring that's more recent in our life.

JASMEKA:

like we pay attention to the vocabulary of I and we. Like I did this, no, it's we did this. Like it don't matter who accomplished it. We try to fix our vocabulary to say we, we did this, we accomplished this, we got the loan. Even if one person got the loan for it, it's we, so yeah.

SYLVESTER:

We got paid today.

JASMEKA:

We got paid today.

SYLVESTER:

You know what I'm saying we got paid.

JASMEKA:

But yeah, just being intentional about your vocabulary.

SYLVESTER:

And some other reasons. Right would be. What Fear of outshone, of being outshone Like somebody you know looking better than you? You got the desire. Exactly that's the attitude you got to have. But then you got some people who you know they have a desire for validation.

JASMEKA:

You make money, I make money.

SYLVESTER:

You know what I'm saying? They have a desire to be validated and so they're sticking their chest out and they always trying to one-up because say something Like tell me I'm doing a thing that means that person is not complimenting enough. It could yeah.

JASMEKA:

If this person always trying to stick their neck in, that's the part they play in If they always trying to stick their neck in. It's what you're not doing. Are you not giving enough compliments Like why is?

SYLVESTER:

there a fight, right right, right, and so, like we said, that's two parts in it. Somebody could be not giving enough compliments, compliments and then somebody could be insecure. So if it's an issue with the insecurity, then you got to do the work to actually feel good about yourself, regardless of what somebody's saying. However, there still should be compliments going on absolutely inside of the relationship. If there is none, then you telling me zero, or you telling me the bear, like very minimum, like no, that's not good enough to sustain a healthy relationship without those compliments, without that affirmation, without, um, you know that encouragement and that's where they can get competition misread.

JASMEKA:

If you're not complimenting me, why? And that goes back to the withholding you could be doing so great, but because you're not filling my tank selfishly.

SYLVESTER:

I'm not going to fill yours, I'm not going to fill yours.

JASMEKA:

So then you feel like I'm your enemy or I'm jealous and I'm really not. It's just you're not pouring into me. Why shall I pour into you? Not the way to think, but it's reality, right, like why should she?

SYLVESTER:

and that's a, that's a con. It could be as simple, as I ain't saying it's easy, but simple though you know, I'm saying meaning there's a way it could be done, you may have to put your pride aside, yeah Right, that's what makes it hard and not easy, but it's simple because there is a way that it could be done. That's what makes it simple. If there was no way to make it like to get it done, then that's impossible, but there's a way to get it done, and there's always way to get it done, and there's always a steps to something. And so what may be the hardest is, like I say, putting your pride aside, humbling yourself. Yeah, you got. Being transparent, being vulnerable, right with with the person that you're with enough to at least have that conversation and let them know what's going on and what you feeling. Like, listen, I think I'm dealing with some insecurity.

JASMEKA:

Mm-hmm.

SYLVESTER:

And I need validation. I need that Like I don't get it. And on the other end of that, we don't be thinking all the time, y'all we human so the other person might hit them with the. We don't be, thinking all the time y'all, we human, so the other person might hit him with the well you need to tighten up.

SYLVESTER:

Well, what you gonna do I mean, that's a you problem. That sound like a you problem. You know what I'm saying. Like you need to work on yourself. Then if you insecure, what do they got to do with me? Well, it's like that may not have anything to do with you as far as them being insecure, but you're either helping or you're hurting. Like ain't no in-between Helping or hurting, right Competing, or Collaborating.

SYLVESTER:

You feel me. So what are you doing? Whose team are you on? For you to just tell me, oh, because my cleats broke Right, that sounds like a you problem. Well, we ain't going to win the game if I ain't got a shoe to play in. So a real team player will say you know what? We were the same side. Here you go. Where am I? Even if we don't just tie this one up real tight. You know what I'm saying. We don't just tie this one up real tight just for the sake of us winning, because a win for me is a win for you and I'm gonna do whatever in my power to make sure that you're winning if they're in a relationship that's like that, because some relationships are their win is their win oh yeah, that's.

SYLVESTER:

That's the healthy thing, that's the healthy thing.

JASMEKA:

That's the unhealthy thing, baby. What the person's win is just their win.

SYLVESTER:

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, the me, me, me, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah it got nothing to do with it yeah so that breeds competition too.

JASMEKA:

Like oh okay, he making money, let me go make my own money, since I can't know where his money going or what he doing.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah.

JASMEKA:

We're not for that community.

SYLVESTER:

Oh, I made X amount of money last year. You know what I'm saying. Like you, still making that.

JASMEKA:

That's foolish.

SYLVESTER:

Like that's crazy talking to your partner like that though. Like making them feel small about what they're making versus what you're making. And then now y'all gonna compete on that level. No, let's compete about how much we could love each other. Let's compete about um gift giving or um some form of love language like. Let's compete, let's see who can speak each other's love language the most or the best, or the loudest I got.

JASMEKA:

I speak for my women bae. They be calling me privately. They be calling me privately Speaking them for saying what I'ma say. Don't make your spouse feel like she gotta compete for your attention. That breeds competition in a relationship.

JASMEKA:

If you're outside complimenting other women, encouraging other women, congratulating other women, but at home your spouse is going hard and you're not congratulating them, you're going to foster competition. She may not be competing with you solely, but she's going to compete with that outside source and it's going to mess up that house. Y'all first. It's us versus whatever, us versus whoever except the lord, because we won't win. But it's us first the problem. So if you want peace in your house, be peace. If you don't want competition, do a self-reflection and say how am I contributing to this competition?

SYLVESTER:

Okay.

JASMEKA:

Or how am I enabling this person to be so competitive? If you see them competing with family members. Check them on the spot.

SYLVESTER:

Why are?

JASMEKA:

you competing with your sister. That spirit, just bang what you been.

SYLVESTER:

You speaking for the ladies. I'm listening for the fellas.

JASMEKA:

That spirit is going to jump on y'all and that competition going to be there.

SYLVESTER:

Exactly.

JASMEKA:

So one thing I love about our union he don't let me compete with nothing, nothing outside, nobody outside. Because he believe you entertain that. It's going to creep up in here and walk in my house. It's going to. Yeah, don't try to get your hair like this or your nails, he believe you entertain that.

SYLVESTER:

It's gonna.

JASMEKA:

It's gonna creep up in here and walk in my house, yeah don't try to get your hair like this, or your nails like this, or outfit like this, or gold hair, because this person did it because then, before we know it, you're gonna be looking at me trying to figure out oh, he got new shoes, I gotta get just uh-huh yeah so just just check with yourself, with yourself, and keep competing with you, because she's competing for your attention.

SYLVESTER:

Mm-hmm, yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one, I like it. And the same goes for the fellas. Let me speak for the fellas. You know what I'm saying and I'm going to be your amen. Let me speak for the fellas Because it can go both ways.

JASMEKA:

Let's go.

SYLVESTER:

You got some fellas out there. That's that's longing for that attention. You know I'm saying for a certain level of attention, you know what I'm saying. So so when they're not getting that, then they're human, just like the female. It's not a female thing to me, it's a person thing. If, if that's what they're uh missing, then, god forbid, somebody starts speaking their language you know what I'm their love language and filling their tank, then they're getting pulled away. You know what I'm saying. And then you're wondering why this person is disinterested. Or you know, they just start acting different. And it's because we both got a job to do. We both got a job to do. This is my job right here, and I ain't easy. I got a job to do, we both got a job to do.

JASMEKA:

That's my job right here, and I ain't easy.

SYLVESTER:

I got a good job.

JASMEKA:

Do a nine to five.

SYLVESTER:

What's your job?

JASMEKA:

24 hours, seven days a week.

SYLVESTER:

What's your job?

JASMEKA:

You know you want a job.

SYLVESTER:

What's your job? Oh, okay, okay, you got a good job.

JASMEKA:

You wanted to hear it, y'all you got a good job.

SYLVESTER:

You got a good job Back to. They want to hear it, so so. So back to a couple of more reasons why we would find ourselves competing and we said the past relationships, or the upbringing right, mama, daddy, past relationships it might've been toxic like that. And then you bring that in there, right, it may be a need for control. Some people just got a need for control. And so when they can't get it, and now you with somebody that they not just a lay down person, so then now you find yourself steady, trying to. They stick their chest out, you stick yours out. They stick their neck up, you stick yours out. And now y'all trying to see who got the longest neck. Now y'all looking like them, africans, with the thing up under their neck, the rings and stuff Stretched out, giraffe, looking like a giraffe couple, because you used to be in control and relationship ain't about that. If one person is in control, then what that's imbalanced, and then we call that toxic. Anything imbalanced is toxic. Financial stress Right, it ain't that. Money ain't money.

SYLVESTER:

Yet and life is life you know what I'm saying, so you can start feeling bad about that. You can start feeling bad about yourself when it comes to that, um your financial situation or are they trying to compete for titles that they don't have the credential for?

JASMEKA:

like for you, you were going to school when we got together and then you was like you know what, we have these children. I'm sorry. You was like you know what we have these children. Back to back yeah I'm gonna stop schooling.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, I'm like stop looking for my hair, because now listen, I'd be doing the editing and I don't need all that little extra little stuff on that.

JASMEKA:

I'd be having to demo work, but listen, you was like um, I think I need to drop classes and just let you flourish and complete school and I, you know I'll get out. So you stopped going to school. I went to school, you allowed me to go up into a master's degree. So doors that opened to me because of a piece of paper. You didn't feel that you needed to compete. Like I'm not in competition with her. Like when I recently got a promotion, you celebrated it I went out about it.

JASMEKA:

It was a party because we got promoted like he get a raise.

SYLVESTER:

I get a raise, I get a raise, he get a raise.

JASMEKA:

So it's just just don't compete against titles that you ain't.

SYLVESTER:

If you married potential, you better pull the potential out of them and keep that same heart that you had when you said I do to potential now I want to say, mom, what you said about the school thing, that was a good example to lead me to my next reason why we compete is lack of shared goals or um direction. So then let's say, both of us going to school and you know, you getting degrees, I'm getting degrees, you getting. You know that it can get hard. We had kids, you know I'm saying so. It was more of a tug we couldn't really like maneuver like that.

SYLVESTER:

There were both of us like chasing the degree thing, um. So like a good man, I'm gonna go ahead and lay down and just do the job thing, but that makes it even. That's what makes it balance. I mean, you know what I'm saying? We ain't looking to compete. Well, I should say we ain't looking to make it even, we looking to keep it balanced. Right, like I don't need this. Oh, I ain't feeling like, oh, I need to be getting as many credentials as you got, so it can be even even you want the alphabets behind your name name, because I got a few letters right, right, right, right, right, but but it ain't, it ain't balanced, right.

SYLVESTER:

You know, then the kids suffering and all that because I'm trying to compete with you and get what you got and get what you getting. If that's the case, then us having shared that, shared goals and direction, says that we got a plan for that. That's a good one. Oh, babe, you feel that way about that? Then, look, I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to get my degree Mm-hmm. And then I'm going to stop and let you go ahead and get yours Mm-hmm. And then you know I want to go back and I actually want to go ahead and get that master's. So I'm going to go back after you finish Mm-hmm, back after you finish, right. We're going to go back and forth and get it done Right and make it work, as long as it stays balanced. We both are being fulfilled by what we want to do and one person didn't feel like their dreams are being neglected.

JASMEKA:

Which we actually did. When I finished a bachelor's degree, you went and did the music degree and shout out to your girl Media, media, media degree, but shout out to your girl Media, media degree. But shout out to your girl His loans just got forgiven. Two of the things just got forgiven because we are on the same team. His debt is my debt, my debt is his debt. But yeah, shout out to that.

SYLVESTER:

Exactly, exactly. Thank you, baby, she had him. A thing that's administrator extraordinaire.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, so that's a good sign, though that he said earlier. He was like if there's an imbalance, check in with yourself. Are you going to school because you're trying to get degrees that your wife got or your spouse got? Are both of y'all in school because one going to graduate next year? But you want to make sure you ain't too far behind that person from graduating. Check in on your motives going to graduate next year, but you want to make sure you ain't too far behind that person from graduating. Check in on your motives. We stress depressed and suffering from anxiety because we're in competition and we're in conflict.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, because a real. If we're on the same team, that means we got a plan. What do teams do? They're going to huddle. What are we doing in the huddle? We making a plan. We got a plan on how we finna scope and everybody got a part to play in it. So if both of us are going to school or doing the same thing or whatever, it doesn't have to be competition. That ain't what they gotta mean. It can mean we got a plan how we gonna get it and we get into it. But we just saying make sure you check it. If it that and y'all know, y'all on the same team, I mean that's just y'all playing to get that. Let's make sure that in competition though.

SYLVESTER:

Right, because somebody getting you know praises from people and all that, uh, that happened with King David and Saul, right? Um, some people may know about that. But you hear people getting praises. You know your spouse or your lover, your loved one, getting praises and you want praises too for what you do. But then shoot, like I said, don't be quiet about it, because that's on your spouse or the person that you're with to rain down praise. I don't care, nobody else don't praise you. I'm a praise you. I'm going to praise you Right.

SYLVESTER:

So if they praising me, I'm going to turn around and make sure you getting praise for what you're doing, because I don't want that to creep in. You know what I'm saying. Again, what part of you plan in keeping this type of energy out? Are you making sure you covering all the bases, doing what you could do to keep it out? Sometimes people just have these, have issues, like I said, with insecurity. We talked about all the things, but then sometimes it's because you allowed it to creep in right. We allowed it to creep in not complimenting enough, not like these things, these gaps that we're leaving open for that that energy, energy of competition to come up in there.

JASMEKA:

Who Cardi B married to bae.

SYLVESTER:

What's the?

JASMEKA:

guy's name, cardi B's spouse. I'm going to just say that I'm not. I'm so far from it, but I'm just wondering if their relationship became how it was because Cardi B was getting all this attention.

SYLVESTER:

Offset, it's offset.

JASMEKA:

You think that's right.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, yeah.

JASMEKA:

Man who at offset, I don't know.

SYLVESTER:

Put it down there.

JASMEKA:

I'm just wondering if they relationship crumbled the way it's crumbling because a little bit of competition got in there. You up there, I'm down here. I got gotta make my name great now.

SYLVESTER:

so now your business, or you cheating, now that done, hit the internet and made you just, I don't I'm glad you brought that up, because if both of us got status or whatever doing our thing, then something like called fear dependency can come in there too. I mean, I'm used to being an independent person, right, a lot of women out there can fall into this as well, especially nowadays, that fear of dependency. I ain't finna be depending on no man for nothing and yada, yada, yada, yada, yada and blah, blah, blah. My daddy told me, don't ever depend on a man for nothing and yada, yada, yada.

SYLVESTER:

If you got a good man, then guess what? I don't care what you do, you're going to have to depend on him because he's going to be doing what he's supposed to be doing and in a relationship there is codependency. He depends on you just like you depend on him. So you can't get away from that if you're in a healthy relationship. If you're not, you don't want to be depending on somebody who slapped you across the face. Anytime they get mad, you won't. You don't want to be depending on somebody who throw their money in your face and what they got going on and you on your own, or it's deaf you every other day or every other um conversation y'all have because they got an anger problem or, you know, verbal abuse, physical abuse, like. Whatever the case is like, you don't want to be depending on somebody who is abusive in any type of way or who is bad for you. You don't.

JASMEKA:

That's why I'm glad in our introduction we say a healthy committed relationship.

SYLVESTER:

Because that's who we speaking to, definitely, and it's a difference. There is a difference. There is a difference. So let's talk about some solutions though.

JASMEKA:

Yes, let's give them some solutions, because, baby, we don't touch on them. Solutions, huh.

SYLVESTER:

They talking to me.

JASMEKA:

They talking about me. I do that. The pain points I do that, ooh, that hurt. Let's give them some solutions that you kind of do kind of every day, not daily.

SYLVESTER:

Start them off, babe, we'll be back. Start daily, start them all, babe, we'll be back, we'll find some solution. What are some things we found?

JASMEKA:

Back to the shift in your mindset from I to more of a teamwork. Okay, I to us.

JASMEKA:

Yep, it's us Open up about your feelings. I know it's uncomfortable, but it was a point I had to tell him. Hey, babe, you're giving a lot of compliments, make sure you encourage what's in your house. Have be, just be vulnerable. Like what's the most going to happen? He was going to get on Facebook and blast me and be like oh, my wife doesn't want attention and she's saying I need to fill up her cup. I got to live with you, so I'm going to communicate. I do it with my friends, I do it with my family. I am going to communicate my feelings because I'm not going to carry it Yep, yep.

JASMEKA:

Set clear intentions for support. Tell them what you need. Be clear about it. Don't try to sugarcoat. Be honest, bae, I need this. Bae. Can you do this, bae? Why do I feel like we're competing in this area? Because it may just be a thought in your mind and he or she may come back and tell you we're not competing. I just don't agree with you doing the move right now.

SYLVESTER:

Can I say the next one? You got it. Stop keeping score, stop keeping score, stop keeping score. Okay, the first one I said when I said the first time it was for the ghetto, people Score.

JASMEKA:

Second time it was for everybody else, the first time was for me, because your girl got a little slang in her A little slang slang, you slang something. Oh, my God.

SYLVESTER:

Score. All right, stop keeping score. Stop reminding people about you know who did what, when and and how and all of that. Okay, who achieved what? Who failed at what? Like, stop doing that. That's another comparison game and that that can actually. That's tearing everything down. Just comparing for what? How you gonna compare the same person you supposed to be the same person, twin. How you gonna compare? It's not. It's not where it's at. Go ahead, babe. I just wanted to say that.

JASMEKA:

He got it out. Celebrate each other's win. We said that earlier. Yep, amp them up, be their biggest cheerleader, I guess. God made me a cheerleader for a reason. All of them, because, baby, I'm going to big you up.

SYLVESTER:

Big, big.

JASMEKA:

Avoid comparison. Acknowledge jealousy when it comes up. I don't care if it's with others themselves. You acknowledge it. Don't let that seed grow bigger. Acknowledge it. Focus on self-growth, but not outdoing. Yeah, you're gonna do your individual work, but don't try to outdo it. If I'm doing 20 push-ups, don't try to go oh, I did fit like my 20 was for self, what your 50 was for, to outdo me right your motives.

SYLVESTER:

I think that speaks a lot about the motives of why you're doing something like okay, yeah, you're doing the work right, whether it's physical, mental, emotional. You're doing work on yourself. That's great, but who you doing it for? Why are you really doing it? Is it to be a better version of yourself, which is the right way, right reason, or is it because you're trying to be better? Than me than the person you with right like.

JASMEKA:

Come on, man right, say that for after y'all broke up and, of course, my favorite, seek help, seek help, seek help, because some of some of us probably been competing for so long that it's just natural and it's just hard to turn off. You don't want to do it. You toss and turn about it Nasty work you just don't know how to cut it off.

SYLVESTER:

Nasty work.

JASMEKA:

Seek help. What's nasty work.

SYLVESTER:

Oh, just something. Just it's bad yeah.

JASMEKA:

Get help. Seek help about it.

SYLVESTER:

So what are the benefits of a collaborative culture in relationships? There's some benefits to actually being knowing that you're a team, how we say we, sometimes you gotta. I ain't gonna say sometimes, I mean sometimes, yeah, but it's imperative that you create a culture and have systems that constantly instill the fact that we on the same team. I'm not your enemy, right, you're not my enemy. We in this together. So it's like snap out of it, like what are we fighting for right now? And it be the petty stuff. Recently I had a conversation with my girl and I was telling her I don't know if I'm girl, yet I gotta hear the story first.

SYLVESTER:

I was just telling her. You know, let's focus on the big picture, right, because me and bae got a lot of, uh, differences differences I mean, like things that are different about each other on the physical level, mental level. You know, I'm saying, um, and it's like, well, god, how the heck is y'all together and making this work with so many differences? Right, spiritually, it's where it all works. You know what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER:

That's why prayer always got to be your first and your first response and the most thing, the most tool that you put out of the toolbox. It's not something that you wait until things get bad. It ain't something that you, you know, can at least do. I can at least pray about it.

SYLVESTER:

No, um, let that be the first thing you do, because there's a root, a spiritual root, to everything that's going on in your relationship and if you're not attacking it, if you're not fighting spiritually but you only do I know we give a lot, lot of information on practical things that you could do. This is also practical, right, because we're more than just physical, we're more than just mental, we're also spiritual beings, and so you have to know how to also fight for your relationship spiritually, absolutely, and that's through prayer. Right, there's, there's everything as a spirit. Right, there's a spirit of competition and you got a war against that and knock that down and then follow up with the doctor to follow up with eating right or, you know, drinking more liquids, to follow up with practical things, more physical things that you could do. But first man pray about that, about that, man pray about that um marriage works.

JASMEKA:

If you work it, marriage works. You can't sleep on this thing like you gotta daily put in that work. You gotta be intentional about finding those things to complement um yeah, you gotta be benefits. It's a stronger emotional bond between the two stronger greater satisfaction, higher self-esteem individually higher. We up here baby together selling coasting oh, oh, that's cute, we coasting yeah but yeah, a competitive mindset can erode even the strongest relationships if it isn't addressed erode.

SYLVESTER:

huh, that means it's wearing away in time, like slowly but surely. It's wearing away at it. It's wearing away at everything that you're working hard to build that new version of yourself that you've been working on, Because ain't none of us there yet? We're not there yet. We ain't the person that we want to be. We're not the best spouse, we're not that spouse that we always, you know that we envision ourselves being. Yet we're not that boyfriend or that girlfriend that we visualize ourselves being. Yet that, um, that, um fiance that we envision. Envision that provider, that that nurturer Um, we're not them yet, but we working on it. You know what I'm saying? Um, you fail yesterday. Get back up today, man. You know what I'm saying? Get back up today, Keep it moving, because as long as you keep it, nothing can beat consistency. As long as you stay consistent, you might have failed yesterday, but as long as you got back up and got back in the race, you can't lose.

SYLVESTER:

You can't lose.

JASMEKA:

Leave competition out of your relationship. Thrive in collaborations and let's work. We got work to do. Let's work.

SYLVESTER:

Got work baby and we out Because he going to give you all a hold. We got work to do. We got work to do. Hey, hey, let's work, baby. We got work to do. What? Hey, let's work, baby, we got work to do.

JASMEKA:

What you working on.

SYLVESTER:

Oh, we got work to do. Hey, hey, let's work.

JASMEKA:

We out.

SYLVESTER:

Peace. Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life.