FLAWS AND ALL: The Hidden Hacks of Unconditional Love

Unlock the secrets to building resilient and thriving relationships. What if the key to a fulfilling partnership lies in embracing each other's flaws and unique qualities without judgment? Join us as we explore how understanding and appreciating your partner on a deeper level can create a foundation of unconditional support and love. We'll guide you in honing self-awareness to navigate relationship challenges with empathy and understanding, turning differences into strengths.

Authenticity and patience play pivotal roles in the journey of love. We'll uncover why presenting your true self from the start is crucial and how it prevents feelings of deception later on. Relationships aren't static; they evolve as individuals grow and change. Through engaging discussions, learn why taking your time to understand your partner's evolving characteristics can help maintain trust and deepen your connection. We'll also touch on how recognizing personal traits, such as being a natural loner, can lead to healthier interactions.

Prepare to be inspired by the power of genuine approval and appreciation in relationships. Meaningful compliments focused on intellect, behavior, and character can significantly enhance the bond between partners. Explore the concept of positive competition, where small, thoughtful gestures promote a reciprocal and enriching dynamic. By valuing and appreciating each other, partners can build a stronger connection, enriching their journey of love and commitment. Don't miss our playful conclusion with the concept of "Shout Set," a reminder to always embrace acceptance, approval, and appreciation.

Chapters

• 0:13 Understanding Acceptance in Relationships
• 9:04 Navigating Acceptance in Relationships
• 21:24 Practicing Patience and Approval in Relationships
• 30:21 Embracing Approval in Relationships
• 44:34 Healthy Relationship Competition and Appreciation

Transcript

SYLVESTER: 0:13

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Relationships 101 podcast, your introduction to a healthy, committed relationship. I'm your host, Sylvester Wilson.

JASMEKA: 0:34

And I'm your co-host, JasMeka Wilson.

SYLVESTER: 0:37

Yes, if only they knew.

JASMEKA: 0:41

Man don't tell these people what's under the table. Come on, what are we talking about today, hey?

SYLVESTER: 0:45

What are we talking about today, hey?

JASMEKA: 0:47

What are we talking about today?

SYLVESTER: 0:49

Today we're talking about three things, Three of the top things that we were able to find that will help us, and hopefully you too, keep a strong bond between the two of y'all these three things we found. It helps a lot of kind of cut through a lot of miscommunications, you know, misinterpretations and assumptions, and it kind of helps cut through all of that, all of the little, small, little bickers and stuff like that. Just these three words, these three words, y'all ready for them Ready? First word Acceptance. Second word Approval. Third word Appreciation. Right, appreciation, that's big.

JASMEKA: 1:48

Well, appreciation is easy for me. I don't really struggle with that one. I'm trying to jump ahead of stuff, but I challenge you guys that by the end of this podcast you focus on the area that you're struggling in and grow on that. So when it comes to appreciation, I know how to show some love and I know how to reward you and all that. But when it comes to that first one acceptance your girl growing in the area. So let's get into it. Bae, bless the people and bless myself.

SYLVESTER: 2:24

I feel like I mean, you ain't the only one. I feel like, after you know, doing the research and actually digging into these words, like in these areas, you know, I realized some things that I wasn't as solid in some of these areas as I thought I was. Even if it wasn't a major issue for me, I still was able to get a little bit more clarity as to how I can improve in it. So with acceptance, let's just talk about what that actually means. I kind of put down actually what that means. Let's just go from the text right quick. Acceptance is generally defined as the act of embracing and embracing with no guards, just whatever it is like you know what I'm talking about.

SYLVESTER: 3:18

Or recognizing someone or something without attempting to change or judge it. So accepting it without attempting to change it or judging, that's what that is. I mean, I know it's a little bit harder for more people than some people, it's a little bit harder for some people than other people, but I know it us perfect with this Cause I done, I done, got caught slipping a few times and it's something that I feel like it. The more self-aware you are, the better you'll get at all three of these, because it takes you kind of like paying attention to yourself.

JASMEKA: 4:01

Being more aware.

SYLVESTER: 4:02

Being more aware of yourself and what you and what your habits are and what you you know, because we be slipping on all of these things like at some point all throughout the day and if you're not paying attention. You showed and did it and you're doing it OK. It has more, so, to do with Just accepting people's flaws Not just their flaws, though, their strengths too and the differences that they have without imposing conditions on that recognition, so kind of like not making people feel like in order to be down with me, there's some conditions that have to be met.

JASMEKA: 4:48

In order for me to agree with this project that you're trying to do, there's some conditions that we got to check off. So I think that's why some people struggle with acceptance, because it kind of it tests whatever we may be going through. Maybe we're afraid of something that you're trying to do right we don't agree with. That's how you should move, because we're different, different personalities. You may be like, hey, I'm gonna use this, I'm saying this, and I'm like, hey, don't do that. That's what so-and-so said.

JASMEKA: 5:17

I'm safe, you're risky right so it's like it, just it is. It's scary, it's scary. It's scary. It's scary, it's scary Just accepting somebody totally for who they are, like you said it earlier when we was having that conversation before we jumped on. That's perfect love.

SYLVESTER: 5:36

Right.

JASMEKA: 5:37

So perfect love casts out fears, but I think you got to know that your partner is worth just being all in for. Like I gotta know that you're a leader. I gotta know that you save to just fully accept and embrace. Maybe that's where I'm wrong at.

SYLVESTER: 5:56

I think, um, even even because, see, you may know that you're gonna have your reserves about certain things about your partner period. There's gonna be some things that you're going to have your reserves about certain things about your partner period. There's going to be some things that you just know, especially like, and I'm sure there'll be areas that you know that there's weaknesses or there's flaws. Those are the challenges. I feel like Knowing that somebody's flawed in the area and being able to accept it, not saying that you feel safe with it, but feeling safe. You know what I'm saying. I don't think it has anything to do with actually accepting them for it, because it's a part of who they are. Like if that person was born with one leg, that's a part of who they are.

JASMEKA: 6:42

Right.

SYLVESTER: 6:43

It's not something to put a condition on. You know I'm saying it's okay, unless you grow a leg in 30 days, I don't think we can this gonna work. That's not really something that. You know what I'm saying. It's, it's, it's.

SYLVESTER: 6:59

It's more so as to, whatever you coming with, I accept it and that's why, during that dating phase, it's very important to get to know the person's flaws as well as their strengths, strengths, so that you know what roles and what asset they could be to you.

SYLVESTER: 7:18

Right, when you guys decide to come together on a more serious basis flaws or weaknesses so that you know where you need to, maybe to cover them on, not to judge them on. See, that's the thing. If you're a team, it's not to judge them for the flaws. That's not why you're getting the information about their flaws. You're getting the information about their flaws so you can know where to cover them at. And then you're going to accept all of that because, because of the studies that we that we found about it, it says something about how accepting a person Do's. It helps them. The person who can accept the person flaws and all, they'll have more influence on that person changing their behavior um than a person who says uh-uh with the conditions right if you don't do this and do that, then ain't nothing like so.

SYLVESTER: 8:16

It's like if you really love the person and you knew that the way to actually help them is to Meaning Let your love lead the way, then if you really love them, then why not do it that way? And it may take I understand it's going to take some Some killing Right Like I'm going to have to kill some of myself, I'm going to have to die To self In order to love you this way, but I really believe that you know, but I really believe that you know. That's why I ain't none of us God, because that's how God got to love us.

JASMEKA: 8:49

I want to go back, though, because you said that's why it's important in this dating stage to really, you know, use that time to learn a person. It's also important in that dating stage for people to show who they really are, because it's like I, I accepted. Yeah, I accepted the version you showed me while we were dating. That's why it's hard for me to accept this while we're in a committed relationship, because it's like I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't prepared for this. You didn't show me this. Is this new? Is this you?

JASMEKA: 9:23

right so that's where the pushback come from. Because when me and you first met, you was pulling up on time. For those days, like I'm just being real, like you was pulling up on time, it's like, okay, we're going out at five, all right, you there at five, I need this, you there with the need, you fulfilling it. We got married. The time delay kind of show later. So it's just like show that person who not saying the time thing was a big a deal breaker for me, but just show that person who you truly are in that dating stage. So when it's time for me to accept who you are, it's easy, it's not.

SYLVESTER: 10:03

Yeah, I mean, it's true. However, that's Bummer, no, no, no, I definitely understand that. Did you just drop a bomb? I understand that, I understand that and I can agree to it, but it's two sides to that too. It's be honest, right, be honest, be transparent. Don't just go in with the facade. That be honest, be transparent. Don't just go in with the facade. That's what everybody do. But if you really want something real, then you gotta give. You gotta give real, you gotta give real to get real. But then, on the other side of that too, let's take our time and make sure that we're not rushing through this process, because drop them time clocks.

JASMEKA: 10:40

You do not have to be married before you're 30,. You do not have to be married before you're 40. You have to be married before you're 30. You do not have to be married before you're 40. You need to be married when you fully know who you are.

SYLVESTER: 10:48

When that time is right, yeah.

JASMEKA: 10:51

Period.

SYLVESTER: 10:52

Yeah, and you should not be moving forward until you know I feel like that's the condition Until you actually got enough to go off of right, until you know that you've exhausted every tool that you have.

JASMEKA: 11:08

We did the therapy, we had the arguments. We've seen how he responds.

SYLVESTER: 11:13

And I'm gathering information the whole way.

JASMEKA: 11:16

I've been around the family. I see how he responds.

SYLVESTER: 11:19

Until you've done that I feel like that's the condition Until you've done everything that you know to do, and then we're giving you some more stuff that you may not know to do, right.

JASMEKA: 11:59

I also want to add on to that. When we grow, I have to accept new stuff in you that I didn't know that I would need to accept because you wasn't that person yet, didn't know that I would need to accept because she wasn't that person yet. So that creative risk taker that you are. Now I'm growing to accept that. So, ooh, thank you, lord, for delivering me, Like he given me revelation. It's not that I don't accept you, is I have to now accept this new version of you, which takes time, which takes grace?

JASMEKA: 12:32

right grace on your behalf, so that you can know like okay, I'm presenting something new to her. This is new, so let me give her time to adjust to the new version of me right because you're not who I, who I dated 10 years ago. So it's not that I don't accept, I just need time. Okay, because I'm not a risk taker.

SYLVESTER: 12:52

So let me ask that. But see, there's two, though, like you're saying, like it may be a point where it's like okay, this is something new to me. Um, I need, you know, I need some grace in order to, you know, kind of adjust to this, to this new, new characteristic right In this person that I'm with. However, what if that characteristic was already there? You just ain't see it.

JASMEKA: 13:19

Wouldn't it still be new?

SYLVESTER: 13:20

It still be new. I'm just saying.

JASMEKA: 13:22

It's new to me.

SYLVESTER: 13:22

Yeah, I'm just saying that as opposed to you know, like, because sometimes some people do, they grow, they change, right, but then sometimes it ain't something that was a change, it just was something that you hadn't realized yet, right, or that you know the person hasn't really, we haven't, we don't realize everything at that point, and that's why it's back to the point of taking our time in that stage so that we can realize enough that we need to realize and consider everything before we talk about. We want to move forward. You know what I'm saying. And then you don't feel like somebody maybe bamboozled you, because I know it's a lot of people out there that feel like the person may have bamboozled them this wasn't who they was, I swear. And it's like, well, maybe you just ain't paid attention, maybe something else has your attention at the beginning. You know what I'm saying and you know we grow, we grow and we change and we get more, more. We start paying more attention to one another, we spend more time with each other, we grow together.

JASMEKA: 14:26

And something we had to learn in our relationship. I'm a loner. Naturally, I love a safe space. I love to be in my house, give me a good book, my family are good. So there were times where it's like Jess, we good and he had to accept like this is just a personality of us, where she may withdraw herself from people for a short term. She's not rejecting me, she just withdrawing and getting what she need as an individual.

JASMEKA: 14:54

So just knowing that about your partner, because it's like, oh my gosh, he's not answering my calls, he's not returning to me, he's not this. He may deal with stress differently than you. Like me, if I'm stressed, I'm calling hey, babe, this happened, this happened in a clock and a watch and a tiktok and a like. I just called and released all my stress. But but with him, when he's stressed, it's different. I'm not going to get a whole story, a whole rundown. He may just come home, put the lunchbox up, take a shower and crash for the rest of the day Not crash, but go to sleep for the rest of the day. But I have to accept that it's nothing personal, it's not about me. Maybe he up against something that he's just not ready to talk about yet. So just knowing that about your partner and stop making it about you. So that's probably why we don't accept people, because we always trying to make it about me. Oh, he doing it because of me. He don't like me or they don't like me, it's just them.

SYLVESTER: 15:50

They're waves yeah um accept it so we also put down, uh, some examples though, for you know, uh, some practical tips, I should say, um for for acceptance and helping that area of acceptance, and one of them is acknowledging their individuality. Um, we talk about the word realize, right, like the more you realize right, the more that you, the more that you can acknowledge that this is the person who I'm with, not who I thought they was, but this is the person I'm with, and that'll help me accept their individual, like this is them before they met me, before this is them, they met me before this is them, this is who they are. So, acknowledging and respecting their individuality is a lot in the area of acceptance.

JASMEKA: 16:44

Focus on the positives. What's good about this person? What's good about this difference? I love I-Ying and I-Ying. That's right. Right, yeah, I love it. Ying-yang this difference. I love ie and ie. That's right. Yeah, I love it. Like I love it. It's a dance. It's uncomfortable at times because we're complete opposites, but focus on the positive about it.

SYLVESTER: 17:04

Fine, was good um be open to differences.

JASMEKA: 17:09

Going back to that dance.

SYLVESTER: 17:10

Be open to the differences of the person. Like, don't we got to learn not to see the differences, how we're different? As negatives I think I mentioned this before on another episode that I had to kind of like stop hit the brakes at one point in our relationship and find a new perspective for what was different about us.

JASMEKA: 17:40

Well, I'm glad you didn't hit the brakes and jump out.

SYLVESTER: 17:43

No, no, no. I just know that if I hadn't adopted a new way to look at this, and that just lets anybody else know, in a relationship too, that at any point you can always adopt a new perspective, a new way to see your partner in a new light. It ain't just that, because once you go down that negative hole of only seeing the negatives and how they affect you in a negative way, that's a dark and slippery slope. It's hard to get up out of that. You know what I'm saying, but you can always hit the brakes. Hit the brakes, jump out and look at that thing in a different way. So I had to look at our differences, the way that we're different, and because we were just bumping heads with everything that was different about us. In my mind I'm seeing everything that's different about us like this is a problem, you know, and instead of seeing it as a problem like me, seeing all our differences as a problem was not going to work, because now that's how I'm approaching her, that's how I'm approaching every time I realize another difference. This is how I'm approaching it, in a negative way and in a defeated way, and it's like you're either the victim or you're the victor. You got to pick a side. So I's like you're either the victim or you're the victor. You got to pick a side. So I'm like, listen, I need to switch sides, switch sides.

SYLVESTER: 19:29

And I chose this decision to get on the victor side and see those differences as things that actually work for the betterment of our relationship, because she may see things in a whole nother way than what I see it.

SYLVESTER: 19:39

That's not a bad thing, even though our opinions about something might clash. But in essence, the way that it benefits me is that I only got two eyes that I can see in one angle. Right, if she's giving me a different angle, then I can adopt that from her and adapt to that. Sit back and now I got two angles I can see it from. That don't mean I have to give up the way I see it. It's just now I get to see it two different ways and now come up with, take all of that information from both of those angles and now I can come up with something that fits right in the middle of that, and that's usually. That's usually being able to allow me to see things that nobody like, to see things in a way that nobody else can't see it, you know what I'm saying, and it's because of my partner being able to see things differently for me.

JASMEKA: 20:35

So, um, before we move on, though, with the um tips, I want to stress that we're not talking about those bad behaviors, that it's just.

SYLVESTER: 20:45

You gotta accept me for who I am right that ain't cool yeah, it ain't the toxic you ain't talking about toxic traits that you just like.

JASMEKA: 20:54

You just gotta accept me. I don't have to accept that you're a liar, I don't have to accept it. So listen to this, but listen in the lens of this. Is this person personalities? There are flaws, there are ways. I'm accepting that, but we're not talking about except accepting trash right the.

JASMEKA: 21:16

The trash. But yeah, stop trying to improve them. We can even apply this to our kids. I know we talking about relationships. Your girl, I be trying to change them. You got to speak to the teacher this way With him, babe. You got to do it at this time. It has to be done this way, just trying to change them. To be me, it can't be a whole bunch of Jazz or a whole bunch of Michelle's or a whole bunch of Sue's running around all being the same.

SYLVESTER: 21:47

It's going to Sue again.

JASMEKA: 21:49

Sue going to Sue me Sue going to Sue you. You know what I'm telling you, but just accept them for who they are and stop trying to improve them and change them to be you.

SYLVESTER: 21:58

Right, practice patience, practice patience. That's that sit back. When I was like I had to skirt, press the brakes Sometimes, you got to sit back. You got to be able to sit back in order to readjust your attitude, in order to readjust how you see things, and that's what you're going to need, patience for.

JASMEKA: 22:21

And if you pray for patience, just know around this time tomorrow you will get tested. I used to be like Lord you be patient.

SYLVESTER: 22:28

You better believe it.

JASMEKA: 22:30

And then something will come up and I stopped praying for patience, but I'm back praying for patience because your girl need it. Praying for patience, but I'm back praying for patience because your girl need it. But listen without judging. Release unrealistic expectations. Encourage their passions.

SYLVESTER: 22:47

Yep.

JASMEKA: 22:48

Work on self-acceptance. Once you accept yourself, then it'll be easier to accept others. So you probably clashing with this other person because you yourself ain't right with yourself.

SYLVESTER: 23:02

Right, you don't like you.

JASMEKA: 23:03

You don't like you.

SYLVESTER: 23:04

So how you going to like me?

JASMEKA: 23:06

You don't accept yourself.

SYLVESTER: 23:07

Exactly.

JASMEKA: 23:09

You ain't walking in your full potential.

SYLVESTER: 23:11

You haven't got to the point where you can say that you know, you completely accept yourself flaws and all. You know what I'm saying. Like, you know your flaws more than anybody, we know our flaws more than anybody. And we have to grow to that point as individuals to say, hey, I know these are my flaws and this, that and the third. I accept those things. I forgive myself for not being perfect, because that's self-sabotaging. And then if you're making yourself miserable, then you're going to make everybody else miserable too. So we got to learn how to be happy with ourselves. First, Encourage open communication to better understand each other's perspectives.

JASMEKA: 23:58

Because that's how you're going to accept it. Hey, why you did it like that? Then, once he explains and it's like oh, okay, I see.

SYLVESTER: 24:06

I'm glad you said that.

JASMEKA: 24:07

Why you just getting ready when we got to be there this time? Oh, I see.

SYLVESTER: 24:12

And I'm glad you said that because, just like an open-ended question, you know what I'm saying when that? Because just like an open-ended question. Or you know what I'm saying, like when we're talking about encouraging open communication. That's as simple as asking a question. We go through it all the time. We go through that, we have to remind each other. Just ask a question, what's the opposite of that? And just in case, just in case you might catch yourself doing it like doing the wrong side of that, the opposite of that would be what? Assuming Right, you make an assumption and you just go ahead with that, meaning you're making statements. The opposite of a question is a statement. You're making statements about something that you assume and you're just going with that. Now you offend the person because your information ain't completely right and you're going with a narrative that you already done painted here and you shooting that out at the person instead of just asking a question.

JASMEKA: 25:11

Just like he did yesterday. Y'all I'm telling. So I was like I'm going to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner tomorrow. I'm not missing no meal because I was doing this little thing, so I'm not missing no meal. He's like you don't need all that.

SYLVESTER: 25:27

You was doing this little thing, what you talking about.

JASMEKA: 25:29

I didn't want to say what I was doing. Well, I was on the fast and then I was like tomorrow I'm eating breakfast, lunch, dinner. I need a lot of water. I need to take my vitamins.

SYLVESTER: 25:43

Right, because the fast is off.

JASMEKA: 25:46

And he's like you don't need all that. Instantly I'm like what do you mean? I don't need all that. Like I feel like I'm about to faint. My body is this. And then he was like, oh no, I was just saying because I thought you was going to go back and eat all this food and all this stuff you was craving during those days and I'm like all you had to do was ask why I needed all that and I would have told you how I was feeling. That made me say the comment, and we both agree yeah, you're right to comment and we both agree yeah, you're right. That was a little stupid two-minute waste of unnecessary beef that I could have ate in that moment, because your girl felt like she was about to faint.

SYLVESTER: 26:25

Right, but yeah, just asking a question saves a lot of time. Why?

JASMEKA: 26:28

are you doing that? How is that going to further us?

SYLVESTER: 26:31

Right.

JASMEKA: 26:31

What are you seeing?

SYLVESTER: 26:33

Because what you're telling?

JASMEKA: 26:34

you this?

SYLVESTER: 26:35

Right, because what you may be assuming may be wrong and that person can help you with that. And a lot of times too, what you may be, you may be, you may be thinking you look, you know, you're looking out, yeah, I mean, your heart is in the right place, like, let's remember that we're not enemies, right? So even though the person may come out, you know the wrong way. They not trying to sabotage you, it's just that they found themselves on the wrong side of that thing and we're just saying that, asking questions that keep you on the right side of it, because then you're not attacking people with your own assumptions and sometimes it's just because you're afraid Fear will put you on the wrong side of some stuff.

JASMEKA: 27:16

You was afraid of me gaining 30 pounds in one day.

SYLVESTER: 27:19

Heck yeah, I got the same goals you got for you. You know what I'm saying. Your body is my body, so if I hear you talking like that, it's like, oh Lord, she's talking about going and doing the early Thanksgiving. She'll be good.

JASMEKA: 27:36

You know what I'm saying and so I really was speaking against that but, um, asking a question would have kind of like clarified that you know what I hear. It takes time. Do you have time to be in a committed relationship? Because actually asking a question takes time oh, it takes patience.

SYLVESTER: 28:00

Maybe say patience, patience, whatever you have time, practice patience. It takes patience to uh be talking about asking questions your marriage ain't working because you ain't got time.

JASMEKA: 28:12

Your relationship ain't working because you ain't got time. Do you have time Moving?

SYLVESTER: 28:19

on to the next one. So what's the next one, babe? Approval, approval.

JASMEKA: 28:25

Wow yeah, finding the positive qualities and complimenting them on it, letting them know I approve of this You're worthy, you're right.

SYLVESTER: 28:39

Yeah, actively, though Actively. So the definition we found was that approval is actively finding positive qualities to compliment in others.

JASMEKA: 28:51

You gotta be active and not just flatter yourself, nah.

SYLVESTER: 28:55

Cause you ain't do no work for that Right.

SYLVESTER: 28:56

It takes actually looking for stuff Like because you ain't doing no work for that Right it takes actually looking for stuff Like you gotta, just like you look for stuff that you don't like about the person and you look for something to be able to bash them about and knock them down. Look for something that's going to actually be able to help them or like pick them up. Do you have time To let them know that you approve of this? Is actively finding something positive to compliment this person or people about? Um, also, it's uh, proving your partner's qualities makes them feel valued and motivates positive contributions do you know?

JASMEKA: 29:29

if you don't got time, drop in the comment section. I got time I got. You might find your partner in those comments. You got time, I got time, let's see.

SYLVESTER: 29:42

Put one of them little clocks down there and put a clock emoji down there, that hourglass with the Let her know, man, if you got time, put the clock down there.

JASMEKA: 29:56

Man, put the time emoji Like you say, if you got time, put the clock down, but, proving that someone takes time, like you say, you got to look for those things. You got to catch them doing something. You got to be like, oh babe, that was nice, you did whatever, whatever. Like you really have to look for those and not those basic. Oh babe, you look nice. We come back from getting our hair done. We appreciate the comments, but it's expected we come back from getting our hair done. We appreciate the comments, but it's expected, oh, your hair looks nice.

SYLVESTER: 30:22

Catch me on a not so good day. That's why I don't be saying it, because it just feel empty.

JASMEKA: 30:27

You got to still say it. I mean just say it Because then if you was in the habit of saying it. And then the day they come home and you don't say it, it's like dang, dang. I want that. My hair ugly.

SYLVESTER: 30:39

I mean it's okay to let you wonder a little bit and then when I do, finally say it now you like you embracing that, like oh?

JASMEKA: 30:47

so that's what you be doing.

SYLVESTER: 30:51

But yeah, find those things guys um and compliment them on it hmm, um, approval, I mean it's, it's um acknowledging specific qualities about somebody, and that's why it takes a little work. You got to put a little work in to find specific things right. So, um, something else I found that really works. It was like uh, if you let's say you got this, let's say there's a, there's a, there's a uh for the females. If there's a dude who's like real buff and he like real, you know, nice looking guy, like exterior, right Right, nice smile, all that smell good, all that nice smile, all that smell good, all that. And uh, if you tell him, if your compliment is on his looks I'm sure nine times out of ten.

SYLVESTER: 31:47

He'd heard it before a lot of times, I'm sure. Um, so that may not actually like hit. You know what I'm saying as as as a real compliment, uh. But then when you do a little bit more research, like do a little bit more research, like do a little bit more digging, and let's say you compliment.

JASMEKA: 32:02

His smartness.

SYLVESTER: 32:03

Right, something about his intellect, something that he said, about something that was right, or you know what I'm saying. That will kind of hit him a little bit more, if you compliment something about his behavior.

JASMEKA: 32:14

You give a game. Women gonna be out here looking like oh, I know you look good, Let me find something else.

SYLVESTER: 32:20

Yeah, if you compliment something about his behavior or something about you know how he, you know most men would do this, but you, you know, you're ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. You know something about that. Compliment something about his character, just something that's a little bit deeper.

JASMEKA: 32:34

I love how your eyeballs sit in your socket.

SYLVESTER: 32:38

That's not gonna work. This is on. It's not gonna work, yeah.

JASMEKA: 32:46

Find those things y'all. And something we do great is we praise each other publicly a lot, Like I think people know jazz love men, Men love jazz. They gonna post about each other. They're going to publicly acknowledge each other, Like post them sometime.

SYLVESTER: 33:05

Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

JASMEKA: 33:07

You value how I look. You ain't trying to hide me and let y'all in a hiding situation, but yeah, praise them publicly.

SYLVESTER: 33:16

Yeah. So compliments, yeah, compliment, compliment this. Something that I felt like when I, when I saw this, I was like you know, this is something I know I could definitely uh work on too is uh compliment their efforts, not just results, not just the results, y'all the efforts like so that mean that maybe it ain't turn out good at all. The turnout just didn't happen. The end of it all, the voila, the ta-da wasn't very ta-da-ish yes, but I appreciate your effort.

SYLVESTER: 33:58

They put a lot of effort into that thing they had to really like. It wasn't no surface level type of effort, it wasn't just handed to them. They had to go through some stuff and the fact that it ain't work actually attests to the work, to the, to the, to the obstacles that they had to go through to actually get that thing done or try to get it done.

JASMEKA: 34:18

So, complimenting the efforts, and find some things to appreciate, because I hear like I'm sorry y'all when I keep saying I hear that, but like find things in them to appreciate, approval If you're in a, oh we as an approval.

SYLVESTER: 34:33

I know she want to go. She want to get that. We getting that. I just feel like we getting that.

JASMEKA: 34:39

Those couples, that's on here and it's like how can?

SYLVESTER: 34:42

I be getting approved.

JASMEKA: 34:45

Yeah, how can I approve of this person? Yeah, yeah find something in your spouse that you can thank them for and that shouldn't be hard.

SYLVESTER: 34:57

Yeah, and it shouldn't be hard. When you, when you do things like when you, when you celebrate, when you choose to celebrate something about them, that's unique Right, celebrate their uniqueness. That means that most of the time when you celebrate their uniqueness, this ain't going to be something that you can actually celebrate in nobody else. They're the only one that actually has quality.

JASMEKA: 35:18

I'm glad you said that.

SYLVESTER: 35:19

Don't compare them to nobody else Exactly Like, celebrate their uniqueness. If you are going to compare them to nobody else Exactly Like, celebrate their uniqueness. If you are going to compare them to somebody, use even that. If your mind because sometimes our mind can be our enemy and if that mind tried to tell you and started to try to have you and get in this cycle of comparing who you with to somebody else who you know, who was trying to say that they're better, then use that crap on them. Use reverse psychology on your own mind. Right, go along with the comparison, but in doing so, start to let that. Let that comparison help you find what's unique about that person that you with.

SYLVESTER: 36:02

Wait, I'm why are they talking to?

JASMEKA: 36:04

somebody that's trying to convince them you talking about in a committed relationship.

SYLVESTER: 36:09

I'm talking about. Their mind is talking to them, it's showing them I thought you was like the person that's telling you Wait a minute y'all, so sometimes I'm like wait, why are?

JASMEKA: 36:20

they talking to somebody that's trying to tell them that they're better than their spouse, but that's not what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER: 36:27

No, no, no, no, but I'm glad you saw it that way because that's how I was actually painting it as if your mind was another person, because sometimes your mind can be an enemy to you, as if it's somebody, like a person outside of yourself. Sometimes your mind don't have the best interest, your best interest at heart. You know what I'm saying and it'll give you thoughts and give you things that actually work against your progression as an individual or as a unit. And what I'm saying is, when you get into that comparison, use that comparison, those comparison thoughts, to help you find things about your person that is unique about them. You understand Positive things that are unique.

SYLVESTER: 37:14

Yeah, approval, what else we doing? Support their decisions, man, support their decisions. Support their decisions because there's going to be some things that, like I say, that goes along with complimenting their efforts, not just the results. If they're making a decision and it may not turn out right, but you just saying I'm going to ride with you, wrong or right, that makes a person feel approved. That's that approval. I got the stamp. They done stamped me. I'm approved by bae. You know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA: 37:53

Approved by bae. I like that I got that bae approval.

SYLVESTER: 37:57

You know what I'm saying, which means that You're all different. It make me. I'm going come on, I'm going to slap that cape on and I'm going to fly across the city.

JASMEKA: 38:06

You know what I thought about when you said that when we were researching how they said when they wanted to hire a guy, they would want to speak to the wife or the woman that he's with just to see if she approve of him. Just to see if she approve of him, because if that woman doesn't approve of him, his level of self-esteem and how far he'll go for that job is low.

SYLVESTER: 38:29

Okay.

JASMEKA: 38:30

Compared to those who got the approval of their woman.

SYLVESTER: 38:33

We got to get more context, though. So the context was given. Like in a business, right in a business, right Before, like when a company is thinking about making a promotion and they're thinking about these different people that may want to promote the. What do they call the people? I don't know, baby Candidates, right, it's candidates. We are. It's voting time Some candidates you know what I'm saying for a promotion, one of the things that they said that the company would look for it's not like what you can see on the outside of the person and how good they work. All of this, all of that, yeah, take that into consideration, they say. But even further than that, and what weighs more heavier than even those little things there? Because those things right there, those are qualities that you can find in probably all of these candidates. So what they would do is they would go and speak to the wife, and then what would they do about it?

JASMEKA: 39:33

They would just see her level of acceptance towards him, how she felt about him. Because they felt like if she didn't see him in a great light he wouldn't perform so great. Right, but if the wife spoke well of him and honored him.

SYLVESTER: 39:49

And had that stamp, that base stamp.

JASMEKA: 39:52

They were going to get better results from that guy Because they said, a man's self-esteem is developed and influenced.

SYLVESTER: 39:59

Exactly.

JASMEKA: 40:00

By the woman that they're with.

SYLVESTER: 40:02

Yeah, and that self-confidence is higher. When somebody's self-confidence is higher, they tend to actually also, they said, treat other people better, so you ain't going to have a boss who just I'm putting you in a position, but you are nasty, but you nasty to people. Also, they said that not only would they have the self-confidence to supersede and try to meet the expectations that their wife has in them, they will also treat people around them Great.

JASMEKA: 40:31

This my stamp, Approved by bae Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh Felt that Approved by bae. So when y'all see him out here walking on water, just know he approved by bae Loud face. All right, all right, y'all. We're going to move on to appreciation.

SYLVESTER: 40:50

I think we gave him a lot of All right, but let me just run down to the rest of these. Then we I think we gave them a lot of All right, but let me just run down to the rest of these. Then we're going to talk about them, okay, other than support their decisions, express confidence in their abilities, acknowledge progress and growth, and show interest in their ideas. Show interest, mm-hmm. Go ahead, offer positive feedback regularly.

JASMEKA: 41:10

Awesome, all right. Now we on appreciation.

SYLVESTER: 41:13

Appreciate Dang, and this is something.

JASMEKA: 41:15

I forgot. Awesome, all right. Now we on appreciation Appreciate Dang Ain't this a song, fam, I don't know, babe, make up one Appreciation. It's easy as.

SYLVESTER: 41:23

Appreciation. I don't know, I sound like a Baptist film or something, but yeah.

JASMEKA: 41:30

Appreciation Daily, guys. It is the glue to relationships, helping partners feel recognized and cherished. A lot of couples feel like he don't love me because he ain't bringing the flowers, the chocolate, filling my car up, saying thank you, acknowledging my efforts, just appreciating me, like when you took me to the White House. He got me in the White House. I ain't telling you I have, but he got me in the White House. So when he got me in the White House I just said and I was like we want to Washington, I want to go in the White House. He was like, oh, I know somebody, let me see. So he got me in the White House and your girl showed some appreciation back.

JASMEKA: 42:16

I secretly went in on that app Once he got me in.

SYLVESTER: 42:20

You showed some appreciation.

JASMEKA: 42:22

You got to look up. I went in that app and I was like first class, First class and tickets back home. That was just me showing my appreciation to him.

SYLVESTER: 42:35

I appreciate what you're doing for people and it was nice Nice little friend, nice friend Claire, nice friend Claire, yeah.

JASMEKA: 42:43

Appreciation. Find out what that look like for your partner. It's different for everybody. Yeah, don't take her flowers. If flowers not her thing, what is her thing to feel and appreciate it? It may just be a simple text. I appreciate you.

SYLVESTER: 42:57

Yeah, but I remember back in the day I took them, girls, some flowers.

JASMEKA: 43:01

Babe, don't be, don't be, no.

SYLVESTER: 43:03

You made the story. You gave us let me get my brought some flowers to the house. That's when she still was living with her parents, so, so One of the flowers. I'm thinking I'm doing something, she's leaving here. Oh, she ain't here. She's leaving here. When she get here, I know she gonna. You know, in my mind I know when she get here she gonna be like I'm spending everything. Ah, you know, appreciation man. I think it probably Was like the following week or something. I came over there To pick up Um, to see Jamarcus, or something. I came over there to pick up the CJ Marcus or something. And how about? The flowers were still sitting in the same place. I set them down on the counter.

JASMEKA: 43:45

Same place. Don't be throwing tomatoes at me.

SYLVESTER: 43:48

Starting to die? Like what in the world? So that there. So I mean it wasn't her thing at the time, At the time. I'm saying that to say that flowers wasn't her thing at the time At all. She wasn't, she wasn't. She wasn't feeling me at the time either.

JASMEKA: 44:03

But flowers wasn't her thing either, but nobody. I was just about to say don't try to give an appreciation gift after an offense or after something happened.

SYLVESTER: 44:14

Well, that wasn't an appreciation gift. That was a like me gift.

JASMEKA: 44:22

Please like me, I'm the one Just make sure y'all are giving the right gifts. Man, appreciate your partner, show them that you love them. A thing we got is I'm going to leave off on the last best appreciation and it's just going to continue Like, if he did something, I'm going to do something. Now he feel like he got to do something which he did. So after the first class trip it's minor, but I kept saying I was like dang, I need those IV waters, like I need to come back to life. So I wake up this morning to IV water on the floor and I'm like you got this. And he was like yeah. I was like this for me and he like yeah.

SYLVESTER: 45:06

So now your girl got to log off here and kind of think of how I'm. But see, that segues to our next. We're going to have to do a nice little episode on competition inside of relationships. That's good competition. That's the good competition right there.

JASMEKA: 45:20

But it's something bad out there.

SYLVESTER: 45:22

But it's easier to do the other kind. You know what I'm saying. It's easier. We fall into it without even knowing we ain't going to get on that let's close them out. However, before we close out, though, let me let y'all know too, though, that appreciation when you talk about appreciation, let's think of it as you know. Appreciation has the opposite too. Sometimes I like to bring up opposites so that we understand the context of what we're talking about. Right, the opposite of appreciation is depreciation, so understand that depreciation is when you devalue something. Appreciation is giving it value. Depreciation you're taking value away. You feel me? So, anytime that you show appreciation to a person, you're raising the value that you see them, the light of value that you see them in, and uh, yeah, and that made me think of the stock market.

JASMEKA: 46:16

Listen, somebody always willing to buy what you put down. There's a buyer, there's a seller. You depreciate and you best believe somebody. Hey, you looking good, appreciate you what side you gonna be on, pick a side, we on the winning side. So with that, remember that was good.

SYLVESTER: 46:39

That was good, I like, I like. I'm just looking at you, like, okay.

JASMEKA: 46:44

You, you made me, you know, a little lyrical, you know, yeah, you know you, you be spitting sometimes, so I just naturally I think, I think it might, it might be them shorts. Uh-uh, y'all Listen. So remember to Remember to accept, approve and appreciate, and in saying that y'all.

SYLVESTER: 47:02

Hey, I'm about to start calling this Shout Set. Hey, shout Set, check this out. Shout Set, we out Shout, shout, Shout Set.

JASMEKA: 47:10

We out.

SYLVESTER: 47:11

Peace, peace out peace. Welcome to relationships 101 podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life.