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Unlock the Secrets to a Thriving Relationship: The ABCD Formula!

• Sylvester & Jasmeka Wilson • Season 1 • Episode 28

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Discover the building blocks of a healthy relationship and learn how to cultivate trust, authenticity, and simplicity. My journey as a husband has been a continuous learning process, paved with trials and errors, and JasMeka joins me to share her transformative experience as a wife. Together, we unravel the critical role of desire and intention in personal growth, spotlighting the power of positive reinforcement and how childhood messages can shape our aspirations in marriage. This episode promises to equip you with the insights needed to become a competent partner, emphasizing the significance of aligning actions with words and acting with integrity.

As we navigate the complexities of partnership, we emphasize the essence of believability in fostering trust. Authenticity isn't just about overcoming personal flaws; it requires consistent, believable behavior and a genuine emotional connection. Shazmika and I discuss how empathy, rather than mere sympathy, can elevate relationships, making both parties feel integral to each other's worlds. Through personal anecdotes, we uncover the growth needed to expand one's vision as a spouse, highlighting the challenges and triumphs of balancing work, family life, and faith.

The final piece of the puzzle is simplifying relationships for success, akin to running a successful business. Maintaining simplicity and avoiding unnecessary complications can significantly impact your partnership. This episode is grounded in practicality, offering straightforward advice for nurturing and sustaining healthy relationships. We invite you to explore the foundational elements necessary for personal well-being and to listen in as we offer guidance and encouragement for those on the journey to mastering the ABCDs of a successful relationship: being able, believable, connected, and dependable.

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SYLVESTER:

Welcome to Relationships 101 podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Relationships 101 podcast, your introduction to a healthy, committed relationship.

JASMEKA:

I'm your host, sylvester Wilson, and I'm your co-host, shazmka Wilson.

SYLVESTER:

Yes, are you building your house or Are you tearing it down?

JASMEKA:

And we ain't talking about no real estate y'all. We ain't talking about renovating a house to sell it. We ain't talking about none of that. We live in a society where everybody trying to get the bag, find a bag, invest whatever. We're not talking about that. We're talking about your relationship. Are you building your relationship, your house that you guys reside in, or are you tearing it down? Last week, we went over the ABCD model of building trust, which was being able, believable, connected and dependable. A, b, c, ooh.

SYLVESTER:

It's easy as one, two, three, no, no, no, no, stop.

JASMEKA:

It's not easy, as one, two, three, yeah, it ain't that easy, y'all. That thing is work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work.

SYLVESTER:

Hey.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, so this episode we talking about how to put in that work. How can you be more able? So I'm going to throw the first question at you, bae.

SYLVESTER:

How did you learn how to become a competent husband? How did I become a competent husband?

JASMEKA:

Same thing as Abel.

SYLVESTER:

How did?

JASMEKA:

you become a husband, well, a husband.

SYLVESTER:

Well, not always a husband I mean, contrary to popular belief, right, it's very little that you can do to train for this type of position. Um, most of that readiness and training that you're going to get is going to be actually doing it. It's going to happen on the field. You know what I'm saying Doing it while you're doing it, in action, in motion, um striving to be the best you that you can be in that position, and um coming across those. You know trial and error, really. Uh, we don't have some trials and some errors?

JASMEKA:

Absolutely.

SYLVESTER:

And you, I think, more so. It's about how you recover from them. That's what teaches you how to actually operate better in that position.

JASMEKA:

So you feel like your experience as a husband made you be able or competent to be that?

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, because even if you I mean I didn't grow up in a two parent household, so it's not like I didn't have like a blueprint or even memories of you know what I'm saying Of seeing that that I could actually take from, and some people may have that and that's great. But even if you have that, I feel like it's still a whole new reality that's going to slap you in the face when you're actually doing it yourself.

JASMEKA:

Right.

SYLVESTER:

So I feel like experience, experience is the best teacher. I mean, you don't know really how able you are at anything until it's tested.

JASMEKA:

Well, for me personally, I'm the wife that's researching how to be a better wife, how to communicate to this man, how to show him I love him, how to not have my angry outbursts, how to say this in a nicer tone, how to have more patience. I became a competent wife by researching and kind of putting myself around Like I'm not surrounded by you know a lot of married women but I surround myself with the knowledge of how to be a wife, of how to be a wife, so that was a way that I became able, like putting myself out there and researching.

SYLVESTER:

What was it that you, if you're around, if you're in the presence of wealthy people, you should ask questions.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, you should ask questions, Don't talk about yourself.

SYLVESTER:

So in that same thing, I feel like that's what you, you did, yeah, but I have actually being physically around them. You know, seeking that knowledge and actually doing that research is.

JASMEKA:

I mean, you can find them in books, you can find them online, you can find them right, that's what I was about to say, because I didn't, I could, I wasn't around many women that I can go to and ask. But I asked the internet, I asked YouTube, I asked books. I was watching spiritual leaders, like during that time I was heavy on Joyce Meyers and Creflo and Taffy, so I just surrounded myself in that, on becoming it. But first I had the desire to want to be that. So you can't be the competent wife or the able wife if you don't desire it. There first has to be a desire for it to be fulfilled, like you got to want it.

SYLVESTER:

You got to want it, you got to want it, you got to want it. I was a little boy. Since I was a little boy, I remember people telling me oh, you're going to be a good husband.

JASMEKA:

They probably prophesied that over your life.

SYLVESTER:

And they just kind of and it planted the seed in me you know what I'm saying to actually want to become that. So I know definitely that that had a lot to do with it. So just a little sidebar that you know. Let's be careful what we're speaking of with these children. What you're saying to a child, if his daddy ain't you know what I'm saying, like don't tell him. You just like your daddy, you ain't you know what I'm saying. Like don't tell him that he gonna be just like him. Speak those things that you want, you know what I'm saying. And to those children, your those things that you want, into those children.

JASMEKA:

Your experience was a little different from mine. I remember my mom Pastor years ago I think we mentioned him before in another episode, pastor Lloyd. He told my mom I believe I was like 18, 18 or 19. I was like, like what Jas? He ain't talking about me, I ain't about to marry nobody. Like he's not talking about me. And what it was two years later, Jas was that wife.

JASMEKA:

So it's like, um, my point is saying it says some of us are called to be it like, like it ain't no way around it, cause I was swimming on my down he's seeing wrong, you got two other girls. Maybe he think it's me, but it might be Shena, it might be somebody else, but it ain't me. So I definitely, uh believe in my heart that I was called to be a wife. I um one of our pastors who we went to years ago we're no longer a part of him, but he used to always ask how did you learn how to become a wife? And I submitted, like I truly submitted myself to God on that journey, cause your girl ain't know how to be one. I'm just being honest. How does the song go? I'm just being honest, I'm just being real. How the song go? I'm just being honest, I'm just being real. How it go I'm making up a song. Let's be honest, let's be real.

SYLVESTER:

I don't know. Y'all know what she's talking about. By some slim chance you know what she's talking about. This song Put it down in the comments for us. Please Help me out.

JASMEKA:

Let's just be honest, let's just be real. But yeah, so in my heart's, a heart, I believe I was called to be a wife and by God's grace and guidance I became competent and able. I'm not perfect, never said I was perfect. And y'all that's the problem, y'all be breaking that trust over somebody being perfect. Ain't nobody perfect?

SYLVESTER:

Nobody.

JASMEKA:

Nobody, because if we was perfect, we wouldn't. We don't need Him, we don't need Jesus. So I'm not perfect. I'm competent, I'm able, I can stand up, I can do it. But I think we gave them enough being able. You know how to resolve problems, develop skills, good at what you do, you get experience, you use your skills, you seek help and you invest in yourself.

SYLVESTER:

I know another thing too, that, in regards to being able in a position of being a husband and wife, we had a nice we had. We had a very profound conversation with Pastor Lloyd one time or two very early on in our marriage and he was like you got to take care of you. He was a prophet, so he was very hard. No nonsense, yeah, Love him, Love him. He was like your job is to take care of her and to look out for her. And he told her your job is to take care of him and look out for him. As long as she's watching her back and she's watching yours right, then y'all ain't going to have no problems.

JASMEKA:

Right.

SYLVESTER:

That's it, not me for me, me for her, not her for herself or her for me, and you ain't got to worry about looking out for yourself when you got the other person looking out for you and vice versa. So that's really what it is, and that's kind of like the dance and getting used to, you know, getting allocated to actually knowing how to do that and operate that way.

JASMEKA:

Absolutely, I love it, I love it, I love it. So, moving on to letter B, which is believable. So, moving on to letter B, which is believable, we've had, you know, we've had some instances where, hey, our trust is getting shaken here. Let's be a man of our word, woman of our word and help me.

SYLVESTER:

It's trusting you.

JASMEKA:

So I would say believable is just acting in integrity, letting your actions line up with your words, like just being honest and transparent and honest, yeah, but I think in order to be there, you got to be delivered. I'm just being honest, just being real, but I think you got to be delivered to be vulnerable and open and honest and you got to be striving really for that okay.

SYLVESTER:

When you say deliver, what does that mean?

JASMEKA:

just like being, because we're imperfect, we're flawed, whatever your sin may be. It may be lying for you, it may be adultery. For somebody else it may be sneaking money out the house. For somebody else it may be inappropriate conversations. It's just different stuff and all those actions make you not believable, right. So in that we got to be delivered from some strongholds or some I don't want to, it's just what it is.

SYLVESTER:

So again we back on the character flaw, right, you know what I'm saying. I think that's a test of character being believable, having the integrity being who it is. That you say you are when nobody's looking being who it is that you say you are or that you stand for in the face of anything.

JASMEKA:

So that's what I think believable really does. Yeah, be honest, be real, be you it's hard oh yeah, but if you striving for, I'm gonna make this right, I'm gonna perfect this. It's a little and I think too believable.

SYLVESTER:

I mean that we are talking about trust, like ways to build trust in a relationship. Um, I think, yeah, you want that person to believe that you are who it is that you say you are. But at the same time, first I think you want to believe that you are who it is that you say you are. You know what I'm saying. You want to believe that, believe that about yourself first, and then that will relay to everybody else, not just the person you with, but that will relay to everybody else, not just the person you with, but that'll relay to you. Like you understand, you will feel like, oh, nah, he real, he really what it is that he say he is, because, guess what, he believe it.

SYLVESTER:

It may be some people that may not even believe you you know what I'm saying that may not even believe you. Like, nah, I know her past, I know his past. He ain't really built his past I, he ain't really a built like that. Right, he ain't really on that. But it's like you get around that person and they believe they sell so much. It's like, well dang, either either they crazy, either they delusional, or they really about their life yeah, belieable is a big one, though, because it's like you'll ask somebody.

JASMEKA:

Well, somebody will be like she don't trust me, he don't trust me. But when you really dive into it, a lot of violation took place and you did some unbelievable things that broke their trust.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, like you did some things that really kind of broke the trust and you got to rebuild it. It's not like trust isn't just to me, everybody's different. I don't just hand out trust Like here's all my trust. Show me what you're going to do with it. I don't do it, sorry, but my trust is in God. Mere man, it's a test Like you on a test, like I'm going to give you the room to show me that you're, you know I can't trust you, but you don't try, but I don't just hand it.

JASMEKA:

No, no, no, mm-mm. And you, you know that for yourself. I said it on the last episode. I was checking phones. Let me make sure this man bought what he say. He bout. You know inappropriate conversations going on. You know meetings happening outside of me. Like I just don't hand out trust, like do what you gonna do to me and destroy me. No, I'm watching your, I'm watching how you move.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, yeah, you got to be believable, be believable. Be, believable See.

JASMEKA:

Connected. I'm going to let you have that one, because that's the area your girl's still growing in.

SYLVESTER:

But what is that, though? Connected? What does it mean for you to be connected? I feel like. What do you feel like connection does to build a trust in the relationship?

JASMEKA:

It makes the relationship stronger. Like you know how the person moving, you know what they're doing, you know what they're thinking, you feel like you are a part of that person's world. But it just take. Building a connection takes work, it takes time. You got to invest in the person, you got to be interested in that person. So with me, the only reason I said I'm taking time in and a lot of people may May need to raise your hand on this one. I can't see you raise it, but you need to.

JASMEKA:

When you're connecting with somebody, you need to have empathy. I always operated out of this place of sympathy, like, oh, I feel sorry for you, but I ain't going to get down in the trenches with you and really like cry with you and you got a cloud. I got a cloud too. That never was me area of connectivity, because I need to show some empathy and not just sympathy. So just being connected to somebody build trust because you feel like you are a part of that person's world. You know what they like, you know what they don't like, you know what they're thinking, you know where they're going, you know where they're headed, you know what their future, you know. You kind of feel like you win it.

SYLVESTER:

Right, right, for me, I feel like connection. It builds trust, because if you're the person, you want to just feel like you and your person connect. You want to feel like that person is interested in you and how you think and your personality. You want to know that they're there to enjoy you, good or bad. You know what I'm saying, that's, you know, unconditional love, and we all need to know that, because we ain't perfect and we gonna make some mistakes, right, but whatever mistake that we make, we're learning from it. So the fact that we're connected and that you're interested in me and you really, you really in this, like that, that's what lets me know that you're really in it, you're really for me and you ain't going nowhere because Look how you talk to me, look at, look at, look how, look at the questions you ask me.

SYLVESTER:

It ain't questions of interrogation, it's more so, questions of intrigue. You know what I'm saying, um, again, I talked about this before. It's about how you handle a thing. You know what I'm saying, um, are you handling it, that the person, like a paper cup, or are you handling them like a, a piece of um, uh shin, you know a piece of a nice crystal.

JASMEKA:

Right.

SYLVESTER:

You know what I'm saying being delicate with how you approach them and how you talking to them. Or is it just whatever come out?

JASMEKA:

I think a lot of people's problem is I'm not exempt. Once was there. You hold a long time ago, though not right. You hold. Going back to your paper cup and your crystal. People be paper cups and y'all be giving them crystal treatment. And then, when they break your trust and a crystal come, now you treating that like the paper cup, kill yourself just because the paper cup, heal yourself Just because that paper cup broke the trust. And now you got a crystal, but you're treating it like a paper cup. It's personal. That crystal ain't even a problem.

JASMEKA:

It's you, I'm sorry, I just.

SYLVESTER:

Watch that cord right there. Yeah, okay, so. So um Connection, definitely um Key To building trust and keeping it, keeping it solid what we got, uh D.

JASMEKA:

Dependable. My favorite one I like somebody, baby, be timely, responsible, organized, involved here. Pay the bills, bring the money and feed my kids. Make sure we good. Make sure you're home. Don't come home. At times it's like crazy where you, at what you're doing. Just be dependable yeah when I you are you there? Can you come through? Can you show up? Are you available?

SYLVESTER:

I mean dependability is. It is definitely a key. So, when it comes to dependability, what do you feel like is what's the I'm actually this about me? What's what do you feel like? I have been most dependable in our relationship.

JASMEKA:

I would say being present and involved In our relationship and with our children, like your family truly comes first, like I've never seen you put a job or your family or friends before our union. And that was big for me. I don't got to be worrying about. But he got to go watch football Sunday, monday, or he want to play the PlayStation Monday or he want to play the PlayStation. I don't really got to come against stuff when it pertains to us. Yeah.

SYLVESTER:

Okay, I can say that how that may have happened, I can't really explain it all, but I think because I made a decision, I really was intentional. I made a decision, um, I really was, you know, intentional. I made a decision a long time ago that this is what I'm gonna do. You know what I'm saying. This is who I gonna become, um, a husband, and in my eyes, that's what a husband was, um, it was somebody that was dependent, it was somebody that was all in. Um, you know, both feet in, not one feet you know what I'm saying here, and the other feet somewhere else, all in. And so it's a lot of things that I used to be into before I was married and had a family that I ain't into no more. You know what I'm saying. I don't even keep up with football, no more. I don't even be watching sports.

JASMEKA:

Because you're trying to run it in. You're trying to.

SYLVESTER:

I've ran it in a few times.

JASMEKA:

Oh my gosh.

SYLVESTER:

You know the fellas be like. Are you watching the game? Such and such Asking me about players and all that. I don't be knowing about all that, unless you know what I'm saying. My kids is asking me to come watch the game or something with them. Then I'll watch it because I still love the sport. I played it. You know what I'm saying. That hasn't changed. It's just where I put my time.

JASMEKA:

You ain't got time to be.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, where I put my time at that changed my priorities.

JASMEKA:

You trying to buy back your time, not give it away.

SYLVESTER:

So, and I ain't not, Come on, you can't buy back your time, Not give it away. So and um, and I ain't not, no, we not come on, you can't. No, not the fellow, no, listen, I'm all for it, I'm all for it.

JASMEKA:

We just in a different season of our life. I love sports. I was a chili to all my life, your girl want to be in the stand, screaming to the top of my lungs. However, in this season of our life, we're trying to build. We got a team. We're trying to take it in and our time just ain't as free as others who probably can do it. We just can't do it right now.

SYLVESTER:

Did y'all just see me in the stand? No, I ain't knocking, nobody done. Watched football on.

JASMEKA:

Sunday, you understand.

SYLVESTER:

On.

JASMEKA:

Monday. Now I ain't knocking nobody that watch football on Sunday.

SYLVESTER:

You understand, on Monday, now you understand and you cheering for our team.

JASMEKA:

Absolutely let's go. Relationships 101 podcast let's go, you still cheering. Let's go. But no, for me that's what it was. With you, I feel like you walk your talk. I'm a husband, I'm a husband, I'm a husband, you'm a husband, I'm a husband, you're a husband. Yeah, you're not one of those that I'm a husband, I'm a husband, I'm a husband. But you and everybody DM I hope you're not an everybody DM. Don't embarrass me on these people's platform.

SYLVESTER:

Everybody, I mean y'all DM, everybody.

JASMEKA:

But no, you walk your talk, man Walk your talk hey, that's what I, that's what I you know, I'm talking like you talk it okay, like I'm tunnel vision that way.

SYLVESTER:

Sometimes it worked for me, sometimes it don't. You know I'm saying, but once I focus on something and I say this is what I'm doing, this is what I'm doing, you know. You know she done yelled at me a couple times about multitasking, like I, I can't, I lock in on something and that's what I'm on. Don't ask me, don't multitask this relationship though.

JASMEKA:

I want you to multitask this relationship. I ain't asking for that Okay, not multitasking this relationship. Stay all in. Stay focused, stay dependable, stay believable.

SYLVESTER:

Yes, ma'am.

JASMEKA:

But yeah, guys, we just wanted to share how you can be able, believable, connected, dependable. And it looked different when we first started off. I don't know if that competence was a little your girl baby, before I started reading the books and watching the stuff. Babe, what, what you had.

SYLVESTER:

Listen, I don't, I don't this the thing though. No, this the thing though 14 years ago what you had.

SYLVESTER:

You definitely had jasmine and you got nothing this is the thing, though, um, like I say, like you, it was your faith, that that that drew me like I could, because I'm a visionary, you know what I'm saying. So it was the faith that it was. Knowing that, dang, this is somebody who, who can wrap their faith around what it is that I say. I'm seeing, you know what I'm saying for the future without you know pivoting and doubting, and you know well, you know how we, you know just too many doubts she can wrap her faith around it and say let's go, and that, right there was very key for me, and so when I saw that in you, it was like nah, let's, let's, I can, I can, we can ride, we can ride. You know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA:

So your girl was believable. Yeah, I could, I could, I could play with that, I could work with that.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you definitely was believable.

JASMEKA:

I was working on that Competency.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, I mean I was Locked in on being a provider Because at the time that's what I thought.

JASMEKA:

My husband was you was dependable, you was working on that connection.

SYLVESTER:

Right, right. So I'm Locked in on providing you know what I'm saying gotta get money.

JASMEKA:

And I'm like, hey, these two jobs we appreciate it, but where's the time, that connection, where you at what you doing, your kids and we?

SYLVESTER:

done, grew up and you still working, working, working and you ain't experienced none of that.

SYLVESTER:

She had to tug on my collar a little bit, um, but I just was doing what it is that I felt, that I felt like being a husband and a father was so I had to grow in that area and expand my vision. You know I'm saying in regards to that, um, but it was because I believed in what we had. You know what I'm saying. Like you may have, you, you was going to school, you was, um, you know at, just stay at home, um, uh type vibe at the time, and it was like I didn't see a whole lot of imperfections in you as a, as a wife, that you may have seen for yourself. You know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, you know, we judge ourselves apart. Yeah, that's reality Like this.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah.

JASMEKA:

We don't judge ourselves harder than the other person. We're our worst critic, unfortunately.

SYLVESTER:

You know, and I spent a lot of, I guess I spent a lot of time outside. I was working at work more than anything, which most of us are like that. Still, you know what I'm saying. So just those, the inner workings, the connectivity, the connection, part of the relationship and all that. Like, I wasn't in on that at the time. You know what I'm saying, but I'm glad we finally made it to the ABCDs. It's still working on them. It's still a work in progress, man, daily, every day, every day, every. It's still working on them. It's still a work in progress man daily every day every day, every day.

JASMEKA:

But if you rocking with us, if you rocking with us, that mean you're either in a committed relationship, striving for a relationship, or you married. So our hope is that you continue to be able, believable, connected and dependable reach out for help if you need it. And if you don't know what we talk about, our next video gonna pop up on the left side of us, right.

SYLVESTER:

One of these sides.

JASMEKA:

One of these sides is gonna pop up from last week where you could just click on and listen so you could hear what the heck are they talking about. A guy used it for business. We're using it for relationship. We strongly believe relationship is like a business, so we use the same principles that they use in a business to make it successful, to make our relationship successful. So we pray that you guys B, a, b, c, d don't complicate this, don't complicate it, don't complicate it Don't complicate it, don't complicate it.

SYLVESTER:

This is Relationships 101 podcast Very basic and very fundamental in what we need to have a healthy relationship and be healthy individuals.

JASMEKA:

Absolutely.

SYLVESTER:

You know what I'm saying, do you? Uh-huh?

JASMEKA:

And we out.

SYLVESTER:

Peace. Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast. No-transcript.