From Boardroom to Bedroom: The Unexpected Key to Lasting Love

What if the key to a successful marriage lies in the same principles that drive successful businesses? Join Sylvester and JasMeka Wilson on the Relationships 101 Podcast as we explore this fascinating idea. Drawing inspiration from Ken Blanchard's ABCD model of trust—Able, Believable, Connected, and Dependable—we share personal experiences and insights on how these business principles can apply to your relationship. Discover how evaluating one's competence and character can impact your readiness for a committed relationship, and learn about the power of self-discipline practices that can enhance intimacy and commitment.

In our conversation, we also unravel the magic of genuine connection and trust. Understanding your partner's world requires ongoing effort, active engagement, and honest communication, which are vital for building a strong bond. Hear how dedicating time for each other amidst life's chaos can preserve and enrich your relationship over time. We'll introduce a handy 28-question assessment designed to gauge your relationship skills, encouraging you to reflect on your own approach to trust. Join us as we invite you into this insightful journey of love, trust, and growth, providing tools to support your pursuit of a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

Chapters

• 0:14 Foundationals of a Lasting Relationship
• 15:58 Building Trust Through Connection and Dependability
• 28:14 Assessment and Building Trust in Relationships

Transcript

SYLVESTER: 0:14

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Relationships 101 podcast, your introduction to a healthy committed relationship. I'm your host, Sylvester Wilson.

JASMEKA: 0:36

And I'm your co-host. JasMeka Wilson. Yes, let's get into it.

SYLVESTER: 0:41

Are you competent?

JASMEKA: 0:42

Are you reliable?

SYLVESTER: 0:43

Are you?

JASMEKA: 0:44

connected? Are you real, are you reliable? Are?

SYLVESTER: 0:46

you connected? Are you real?

JASMEKA: 0:47

On today's episode y'all we going to be talking about the four keys to building a lasting relationship. So we actually read this book some time ago by Ken.

SYLVESTER: 1:00

Blanchard.

JASMEKA: 1:02

So his business? Well, his book idea is mainly for businesses, but we always believe that marriage is like a business, so we can just apply those same business principles to our marriage. And in discovering that we realized absolutely so one of his things for the four keys of trust, he believed that you need to be able, believable, connected and dependable abcd abcd relationships 101 the foundationals.

JASMEKA: 1:34

All you got to think about is abcd. But tell me a little bit, babe. When, when you hear letter A being able, what do you think about? When he's talking about that Like?

SYLVESTER: 1:50

what do you? Are you competent, like I said, like, are you able? Do you have the ability to handle your role Once we done got them roles out the way? Like, you know what we need you for. You know what I'm saying. I know what we need you for. You know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA: 2:07

I know what we need you for.

SYLVESTER: 2:08

Are you capable of getting this done? Do you have a skill set? Right, it's your strength, we understand that. Do you have a skill set? Are you competent enough to get it done? That's basically what it is. Can we, can we count on you for that?

JASMEKA: 2:23

So are you capable of being a husband or somebody that's committed?

SYLVESTER: 2:29

Yes, are you capable of doing that?

JASMEKA: 2:32

Okay. So how would somebody know if they're capable, if they're just like, how did you know you were capable of being a committed husband before you became a husband?

SYLVESTER: 2:42

Okay, okay, I mean right now we talking relationship wise, so I'm awful. I'm also going to say kind of bleed that into other areas of the relationship Right, are you capable of right being that partner basically that we need because every relationship is custom made.

JASMEKA: 3:02

So how do you know if you're able or capable?

SYLVESTER: 3:06

I mean for one. It got to be tested, because you don't come into this thing knowing that you'll be able to do it. You just have basically got that faith. You got that faith in front of you and you being led by that. So you're learning as you're doing, and you just just know the strengths that you, coming into the relationship with. You know what I'm saying? Um, when it comes to being faithful, then you, you, you gotta lean on principles that you, that you stand on. You know you gotta lean on principles, being faithful, uh, um, keeping your nose clean. You know what I'm saying? Staying out of other people's business. You got to lean on them, core principles, and that those are that'll give you skills that you really need to have in order to be the man or the woman that your partner looking for.

JASMEKA: 4:01

I got it. I'm going to add to that, though, because I think some of us you feel you're capable, like you believe that I can do it, or you know that I'm not a cheater, or you know I'm trustworthy, so I feel that I can fulfill this role. And then, I don't know, just looking at the character like a character test, like if I met you talking to five women, I don't know if you capable with being faithful to me, like you know. So I feel like it is signs that show you if somebody is capable, and it's not just a test like all the tests.

SYLVESTER: 4:41

I mean it's also things that you could be doing. I mean like so coming into it. It's certain things that you can learn like you could. You could basically like train yourself to get better at a certain you know, a certain area. You know what I'm saying. With me, I did you know. Something that helped me was I went on like a series of like fast coming into marriage, Like not even really like just knowing that I wanted to be married.

JASMEKA: 5:17

What kind of fast?

SYLVESTER: 5:19

One of the fasts I went on was a sex fast actually. That went on was a sex fad actually, and I would do this periodically just to make sure that I have control and they don't have control over me, Because I'm a firm believer that you're either a master or you're a slave.

JASMEKA: 5:36

You know what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER: 5:39

But I knew that was something that was a strong area for me. So those are the areas that of course, I'm attacking. I love ice cream, so I would fast from ice cream. I mean just giving some examples.

JASMEKA: 5:58

Oh, I'm like so you're going to cheat on your girl for some ice cream.

SYLVESTER: 6:02

No, I'm just saying these are just things that you could do the type of fast To make sure that you are sharp in that area. Right, I would fast away from things that I know I like so that when I do award myself with them, then I appreciate them more and they keep their value. So then sex was something that I fasted from, so that something like a marriage, when I get it because, coming from a single life where you get it whenever you want it and you're used to multiple people, you know what I'm saying. Dirty Listen, man, no judgment is on so and you're used to a certain Quantity, you know what I'm saying Then you gotta like Kind of hit a reset. You know what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER: 6:58

And when you're used to a certain quantity, it's kind of like the more of something you have, the less value you place on it. So then now it's like, well, shoot, like the more of something you have, the less value you place on it. So then now it's like, well shoot, how do I prepare for something like that? I had to kind of fast from it to kind of like regain the value because it's perspective. Right, when we talk about perspective, the way that I see sex wasn't the way that I should be seeing it as a married person, so I should be. It should hold more value to me. Therefore, I need to kind of like discipline myself from it for a period and you know what I'm saying so that I can hold, so that it holds more value, and that's even within a marriage. You know what I'm saying. Like sure, you can't get it every time, whenever you want, unless you wouldn't really value it as much.

JASMEKA: 7:46

So, if I hear you correctly, it sound like you're saying under that able, you just need to have a willpower to make it work, because we we're not born like. I wasn't born or taught how to be a wife per se, but I had a willpower to learn how to be a wife and I was trying and I was determined.

SYLVESTER: 8:06

So just having that, you know just want what is a will as a way. You know what I'm saying. So, um, you gotta want to be that person, right, I want to be that person emotionally for you that you can depend on. That. You can. You know that, that that's competent enough enough to to provide some emotional support for you. I'm competent enough to be able to, to provide that financial support you need. I'm able to do that. If these are the areas that you need, right, we need support financially. We need support emotionally. Right, we need support spiritually. Are you able to do that support spiritually? Are you able to do that? Do you have the what? The bandwidth, the wherewithal to take on this task? You know what I'm saying In that role.

JASMEKA: 8:53

If you don't got the capacity, y'all.

SYLVESTER: 8:55

Then work on it. Work on it while you single, that's real like. Work on it while you single and don't spend a lot of your time in relationships or in relationships just for fun, because I feel like every relationship you're supposed to be learning from it. You're going to make some mistakes. You know what I'm saying. You're going to do some stuff right, but relationships teach you more about yourself and while you're still in a relationship before marriage, learn as much as you can about yourself, what areas that you need to work out, because whoever you was with complained about it a lot, I'm sure. Don't take that you know what I'm saying Like the wrong way. Like don't just get offended by that. Take that in man. After the emotions and all that go down, think about what the people used to say about you. Man. It probably was right. Look into that area of you, especially if more than one of your partners have said that over the years. It's like looking to strengthen in that area.

JASMEKA: 9:54

You don't have to stay like that forever and some people need to stop forcing people into committed relationships if they tell you I just can't do it. Like I just can't talk to only you, I'm selfish. Like I'm a selfish person, I don't know how to share, I don't want to share. It's like they're telling you I'm not able, like trust isn't going to be built in that relationship because they don't want to share. It's like they're telling you I'm not able, like trust isn't going to be built in that relationship because they don't have the capacity. And they told you they don't have the capacity. So don't ignore. Don't ignore it.

SYLVESTER: 10:51

Oh, whatever type of relationship they in Because you know they got a type of relationships now and be honest, whatever type of relationship that you talking about getting into, be honest with that person. Let them know that, hey, I'm a polygamist or I'm you know, I don't. I can't just be with one person that are like, be honest, Um, that person will respect you more for that. Absolutely, um, no fear. There's no fear in love. So it's all about love, right? So you can't go into it with no fear. There's no fear of losing somebody.

SYLVESTER: 11:26

Be honest, that's always. Be honest with them and let them know what you expect, what you're looking for and therefore, if they fit the mold right, if they're able we talk about able then they'll roll with you on that. If they're not, you know how to capacity for the capability to be with somebody who can't do it one person, or they don't have the capacity or capability to be with somebody who only wants one person, who only wants it. You know saying one person type of relationship, then let's hash that out right off top so they go.

JASMEKA: 11:57

They move us over to being believable mmm being honest, being true when I ask you are you real Like? Are you showing me your true self?

SYLVESTER: 12:07

Are you real?

JASMEKA: 12:08

Are you operating in honesty and integrity, like that's the only way trust is going to be developed. Like, show me who you really are and be consistent in that role. Don't show me the providing husband the first three months or the providing partner the first three months and then after that it's like oh, I don't work, I never work. Like I don't like working. So it's just be consistent. Are you real? Like that's how trust is going to be developed? Show me who you are over and over again. Like you're gonna have some hiccups. You probably a patient person, but I pitched you off that day so you had a little angry outburst and you got a little loud. But oh, that's not who you show me are. You are over and over again. It was that situation produced that person. Yeah, so, yeah, that's be believable. Are you real? That's B believable. Are you real that's the only way trust is going to be developed? On top of all the ABCDs Able, believable, connected, dependable Out of this, which one you think is your top one?

SYLVESTER: 13:14

Top as in what.

JASMEKA: 13:15

If you had to pick one, what's your biggest area of abcd that you look for in me when it comes to trusting me?

SYLVESTER: 13:27

I think it probably would be connected yeah I think so. I think it'd be connected I'm gonna agree with you.

JASMEKA: 13:37

I'm gonna agree with you on that one only because when, when we're not connecting, you be like what's up, what's really good, what's on your mind, what's on your heart.

SYLVESTER: 13:49

You feel like you know the person less when you're less connected. I mean, we didn't get to connect yet, but believable we're still in, believable Okay, so believable.

JASMEKA: 13:56

But I just wanted to hear your favorite one in the midst of the flow.

SYLVESTER: 14:01

Yeah, Believable, meaning that you know your actions align with what it is that you say you're about, or what it is that we, right, say that we're about and how we roll with this. And if they don't, then I don't believe you.

JASMEKA: 14:21

Which means I don't trust you.

SYLVESTER: 14:24

Right, right, scary. Definitely I feel like that. I feel like it just makes you a more integral person. The person can easily trust somebody who they know that Even when there ain't nobody looking, you still stand for what it is that we working towards, and that's important.

JASMEKA: 14:49

Absolutely, it's definitely important. Can I trust that when you're outside of the home, you're not bad mouthing me or talking about me or telling our secrets? That goes with character. Like believable is more of a character test. What's your character? Can I trust you? Yeah, like yeah, yeah, okay that's definitely not my top one. My top one is can I depend on you?

SYLVESTER: 15:18

Yeah.

JASMEKA: 15:19

Like I need you and I want you but I need you.

SYLVESTER: 15:27

You're the one I want.

JASMEKA: 15:29

Hey, hey, okay. Yeah, that was my favorite one, but I'm gonna let you jump on. Since you said connecting is a big one for you, I think you should discuss connecting and I'll go over.

SYLVESTER: 15:42

Well connected. Do you like me Basically? Do you like me?

JASMEKA: 15:46

I do.

SYLVESTER: 15:48

We should definitely be connected on the emotional part. You know, mentally, like things that let me know that you like me, that you're into me. That's what connection is. It's like you want to know what my world is like, what my thoughts are are, um, you want to know what I like? Um, these are, these are like fundamental things, right? Relationship 101. What's your favorite color? What's your? Um? You know what's your favorite food? Um, what, what, what, what is your partner like? Um partner like for dinner the most, if they can eat anything. You know what I'm saying. What are their habits? You should notice stuff, not because you took some quiz or something, but the quiz is like, every day, live, in person, you are the quiz.

SYLVESTER: 16:40

I'm not multiple choice though I am the choice just how you know okay, bars, and I know and I know, um, but you should enjoy studying. You know what I'm saying? Like, this is the book and you should enjoy studying your person if you like them. And that's why it comes up as do you like me? Because when you like somebody, you can't help but connect with them. That's the reason why y'all even connected in the first place. But keeping that connection is continuing to show them that you're interested in them in multiple ways. Right, how do you think I'm interested in how you think? I'm interested in what you think I'm interested in what you did today, what you want to do for life. Right, like, I'm interested in you period. You know I'm saying I'm interested in how many moles you got on your body. I'm interested in, uh, you know how you look when you get 85 years old. You know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA: 17:45

Like, I'm interested in all that you know just when I hear you speaking of that, though, when I think about just imagine you saying you trust somebody but you're barely speaking to them, like when you're talking about this connection piece. It's like you're not conversating with me, you're not talking to me. How can I trust that you're interested or you're available? Like I had a friend girl uh, we went out of town, had a moment. I came back I didn't make no calls. It was like she was reaching out, I wasn't answering, it was just creating this space, but it made her like kind of want to know what's up with this relationship. We good we on Rocky.

SYLVESTER: 18:25

That's a sexist thing.

JASMEKA: 18:27

What it is. So she eventually reached out and she was like, hey, what's up? So just in that connecting piece, I think we really need to make the connections in our relationships because it could leave our minds wondering Does he like me? Do we hate me, do I?

SYLVESTER: 18:44

look good and if you feel like somebody don't like you, you don't want to be there. You don't want to be there, you feel like, okay, like what are they? Is it just the money? That's what gets people to start thinking about. Is it just sex? Is it just money? It must be just a thing that this person likes me for, because they're not really into me. You know what I'm saying. They don't ask me questions. That you know. When you like somebody or like something, like you have questions and not like interrogating type of question, like where you was at yesterday, like like where you just came from, like not that type of stuff, I just mean like very interesting, you know, intuitive, interested, type of questions like you're very interested in absolutely, absolutely so.

JASMEKA: 19:36

Y'all connecting with your partner, your spouse, your loved one is going to increase that trust. It's going to build upon that trust. You can't come in the house at nine, go out at nine, come home at seven, barely had any communication, and you want that person to trust you Like I don't know what you did all day. You just came home, ate my meal, took a shower and went to bed. So it's like connect. Connecting in midday hey ray, what you're doing, what's up you good, how's it going? You ate, how you feeling, how was work? Just small talk.

SYLVESTER: 20:11

Make those small connections so that we know we good and it's like also, too, when you like somebody and you and you want to connect with them and stay connected to them, you're making time to connect. You know what I'm saying. You're actually creating a space and a time to connect with this person. It's like everything else got to go at this point because I haven't connected with my person today. You know what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER: 20:37

Um, truthfully enough, as you go and that relationship gets, you know, the longer it goes, like you do get to that point, that wireless stage, to where it's not, it's much like we don't have to connect as much. But that don't mean you ain't connecting at all, right, that don't mean it's two minutes you know I'm saying like that mean that we don't edge out of space. That just mean that it's on autopilot that I know to edge out of space in the time to connect with my person. You know, then, I know how important that is to our relationship, to sustain it and and to build trust and to sustain the trust that we've built over the years.

JASMEKA: 21:16

So it's definitely important absolutely moving on to D dependable. My favorite. Can I rely on you when I say that's a big one for me? It helps with trusting you.

JASMEKA: 21:40

It helps with trusting you. Like I remember in the beginning part of our marriage, I had a thing I'll be out with the kids. He worked wee hours. I was a little selfish in my thinking too, but if I'm out and I'm calling him once he get home and take a nap, he would never answer the phone when I say that just made me be like did I drive and did I make the right decision? Who did I marry? Why did I marry? What is happening? Am I going to be able to sustain this relationship?

JASMEKA: 22:15

All the questions flying through my head because it's like if it's an emergency he can't be my emergency contact person, just being inconsiderate in that moment. But I just feel like um being able to depend on him, like it was big for me, like I'm not a needy person, but I just want to know that the person I'm committed to I could depend on you, I can rely on you. I know that if the world falling apart, I can come home and you going to make sure you build, you help me build it back up. So yeah, when it comes to being dependable, the person got to know you there for them. They got to know you invested. They got to know you in it till the wheels fall off. You know how your family sit around like, oh y'all just act like it's just about y'all and you're going to have to run back when it's all said and done. It ain't no said and done it. It ain't no running back Like we run into each other.

JASMEKA: 23:09

We run into each other, so just being that person that I can truly depend on and over time, you know, ain't nobody perfect, but he's grown in the area we made a compromise. Well, hey, babe, you know, when I come, perfect, but he's grown in the area we made a compromise. Well, hey, babe, you know, when I come home I'm tired. I wake up when y'all sleep, so I put my phone on sound but only call when it's an emergency. And I was just like OK, thank you, Because when I'm out here, who do I call? Like you are my emergency contact person.

JASMEKA: 23:41

Who don't make me work, make them run to you, you know.

SYLVESTER: 23:46

So, um yeah, that you want to add anything to being dependable I feel like dependability is kind of like the foundation of building trust really, because it's that constant. You know what I'm saying. It's that constant thing that needs to be there. It's what builds the stability of just knowing somebody's there. You can depend on them. It's the steady, reliable thing. It's the reliable, the constant.

JASMEKA: 24:14

Are you coming home, are you paying the bills, are you working, are you loving, are you loyal, are you there? Be consistent, keep it steady, don't rock the boat too much. So yeah, that was, you know, abcd. He applied it to business. We replied it to relationship, because this is like a business, hence the shirts. I married my business partner. You can't see, you can't see, you can't see. We'll drop the link down there anyway um.

SYLVESTER: 24:47

But you know, still on dependable though because and I feel like each one of these able, believable, connected or dependable um, it'll be certain things with certain people that'll stick out more for them and that they feel like they'll need that would like like a love language, like what's your trust language. You know what I'm saying. Like one of these is gonna feel is gonna be a little bit more. Um, one of these are gonna be a little bit more pressing for them pressing for particular people, depending on what, where they're coming from.

SYLVESTER: 25:18

You know, I'm saying, like what their history might be. Um, some, some, some of us grew up with not a lot of stability. You know what I'm saying, like what the history might be, um, some, some, some of us, grew up with not a lot of stability. You know what I'm saying in our, you know, parent, you know with our parents, situations and everything. So then that means that stability just may be, you know, dependability may be a big one for you. You know what I'm saying. If that's the case, um, some people might grow up with with, you know, parents or people in their lives. You know what I'm saying. Who, who break promises, make promises and break them. You know what I'm saying. I'm gonna come pick you up and they don't show up, and I mean that being believable right Might be a big thing for you. You know what I'm saying. Um, and and, and you know and, so on and so forth. So what I'm saying.

JASMEKA: 26:04

So I'm just saying, like all of these are needed trust yeah, but then for some people more it'll be more, one way heavier than a little bit more heavier than the other ones.

SYLVESTER: 26:10

Y'all thank you, but them batteries is not charged, they charge, they charge.

JASMEKA: 26:16

But yeah, so those are the four keys to building a lasting relationship. Before we move on, we went ahead and made a link for you guys to go on Amazon. Once you click on the link, we're going to be honest. You got 24 hours to make the purchase in order for us to make the small commission that we get for recommending a book. So if you are interested on how to make trust work as that's the name of the book Trust Works, and again in the book you talk about these four principles able, believable, connected and dependable that will build upon trust. He put it in a business aspect, we put it in a relational aspect. You may use this for work and home, like. It's a great tool. So be sure to look down in our comment section to find that link. We'll also add the link to take the assessment Because, listen, we be assessing this relationship. Where are we? Where are we headed? What's the assessment?

JASMEKA: 27:14

So, on the assessment. It asks you particular questions. It asks you a set of questions to assess how able you are, how dependable you are, how connected you are, and I'll share a little bit about me. Your girls score low in connection. Why? Because I got to be very cautious to make sure I take the time out to how was your day? How are you feeling? Where are you? Make it about the other person and not just myself. That's the sport jazz. They got to bring it up. Stop being selfish and be a little more connected with others. Would you like to share your low hair?

SYLVESTER: 27:53

I'm coming on no because I ain't really get a chance to look at him for a long time. I ain't really get a chance to look at the same like that he don't want to share with y'all. It's not that I just ain't get to really look at him.

JASMEKA: 28:07

He don't want to share with y'all. He do not want to share with y'all. I know what it was but I ain't going to tell y'all because he said no. But y'all just head on over to 28 questions. They break it up into sub parts. I think each part got seven questions, able got seven, believable probably seven. And it'll score you from. You need to improve. You mastered it. You good, take it, it's free. It takes probably five minutes. The link will be again in the comments and what you want to leave them off with that question.

JASMEKA: 28:39

We want to see if they following us to the end.

SYLVESTER: 28:42

Just that you always going to gonna see us come up, come at y'all with books and assessments, things that right tools and resources that we've learned from um in regards to helping relationships. Um, because we use them ourself. Uh, you can take it or you ain't gotta take it that's on you but these are things that helped us absolutely and we just want to help other people. So I would say that, you know, because marriage is like a business you know what I'm saying and businesses take these assessments to make sure that they are top tier and is running like it's supposed to, absolutely. So why shouldn't we?

JASMEKA: 29:20

We want to know if they was watching us to the end.

SYLVESTER: 29:25

I'm going to um, we want to know if they was watching us to the end. Um, I'm gonna say in the comments if y'all was watching us to the end, whoever was watching us to the end. Then leave down in the comments how you assess trust. Like, are you two type of people? Are you the type of person that they got a test? Pass the test. You know what? Know what I'm saying? Like, they got to run through a series of tests. You know what I'm saying? I'm very skeptical. Before you can tell my truth, trust them. Go ahead and put the word test down in the comments. And if you're the type of person where you're a little bit easier to trust somebody, what was it? You kind of take them at face value, what was it? You kind of take them at face value, then go ahead and put face value down in the comment, just so we can know that you stayed to the end. Pretty friend.

JASMEKA: 30:11

We appreciate y'all and we out.

SYLVESTER: 30:30

Peace. Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life.