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FROM HANDS-ON TO HANDS FREE; Embracing The Evolution of Parenting

• Sylvester & Jasmeka Wilson • Season 1 • Episode 25

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Ever wondered how to balance the chaos of parenting with maintaining a strong marital bond? Join us on the Relationships 101 Podcast as we share our personal journey of raising four children, ages 18, 14, 12, and 11. Through candid reflections and a good dose of humor, we explore the impact of parenting on our relationship and how keeping faith at the core can guide us through the whirlwind of family life. We promise you insights that no amount of preparation could have given you in the realms of marriage or parenting.

We break down the three pivotal stages of childhood development—early childhood, middle childhood, and adolescence—using our guiding principles of Direct, Discipline, and Devote. Drawing from biblical teachings, we discuss how these principles evolve as our children grow, emphasizing the delicate balance between discipline and affection. From the hands-on early years to the more hands-free teenage phase, our anecdotes, including the challenge of monitoring an 18-year-old and training our dog Ryder, bring these concepts to life. This episode is a must-listen for any parent looking to navigate the complexities of each developmental stage with grace and faith.

As we tackle the teen years, we shift gears to focus on character evaluation over gender when it comes to dating, inspired by Martin Luther King Jr.'s teachings. We delve into the "wireless parenting" phase, where the foundation of trust built in earlier years is put to the test as our children become more independent. Balancing marriage and parenting, we stress that while your partner comes first, children are an integral part of the union. Get ready for a heartfelt discussion on maintaining unity and trust in your marriage while fostering independence and character in your children. Don't miss out on next week's episode where we dive deeper into integrating faith into marital relationships.

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SYLVESTER:

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Relationships 101 podcast, your introduction to a healthy committed relationship. I'm your host, Sylvester Wilson.

JASMEKA:

And I'm your co-host, Shaznka Wilson.

SYLVESTER:

Parents, we with y'all I'm talking about we going through it right with you, we with you.

JASMEKA:

Baby we got 18, 14, 12 and 11.

SYLVESTER:

Good God, you see what I'm saying. And so we going through all these stages that we're going to talk about today, well, well, we've gone through them, and one of them, that last stage, we still trying to work our way to we new to it listen as he talk about the last stage.

JASMEKA:

y'all heard how I said he right, because he got a little more faith in that area than your girl, I'm telling. But as he talk about that last stage, I'm going to become a student. I will be taking notes Because that stage, that 18-year-old, that adult stage, their introduction to adulthood, your girl ain't. I'm looking for my muster scene. He said all I need is a little. I'm outside looking for y'all, but let's get into it, bae let's get into it.

SYLVESTER:

Um, so how we think about it is that it's it's three main stages to this parenting thing and we just want to kind of like, as we going through it and trying to make sense of it all, we want to help anybody else, as we going through it and trying to make sense of it all, we want to help anybody else that's going through, trying to make sense of you know what I'm saying because can we all agree that when we're at conflict with our children or we're warm with our children, that can get in the way of our, our bond?

JASMEKA:

exactly if we're not understanding or you know on the same page about this parenting thing, this just turn the page over. Like I'm dealing with my child, I'm dealing with our child exactly like I don't care about nothing else right now but these children.

SYLVESTER:

So and if you, and if you're a jay-z fan, you understand, when the family feuds, nobody wins. That's just a quote from someone.

SYLVESTER:

The ones who know, the ones who know know so, and I like to always say, too, that the best things in life happen unexpectedly, and what that means is that you can't prepare for things like parenting, you can't prepare for things like marriage and becoming a spouse and going through this. Some of these things, for things like marriage and becoming a spouse and going through this, some of these things like it happens. And then you learn as you go and we can't do that, these type of things, without God, without faith. You got to know how to walk without seeing.

JASMEKA:

So you didn't prepare for me before I came.

SYLVESTER:

As much as I could.

JASMEKA:

Oh OK.

SYLVESTER:

As much as I could.

JASMEKA:

So you just was the single guy and just like.

SYLVESTER:

No, I made a conscious decision that that's what I wanted, okay, and then I started to do things that I felt like would help me better transition into that.

JASMEKA:

Okay.

SYLVESTER:

Could I ever say, though I still don't feel like. I feel like I don't care how much you do to prepare for parenting, to prepare for marriage. It's only so much you can do, right. You could never say that you're fully prepared to become a parent or fully prepared to become you know what I'm saying to marry. That was an experience thing that you have to kind of go through to actually become. You become as you do it understood and it takes a lot of faith.

SYLVESTER:

So, of course, faith is always going to be a part of what we, what we teach, because faith is always going to be a part of our life because if y'all doing it without faith, how that your girl?

JASMEKA:

how is it working?

SYLVESTER:

I'm telling you. What it look like For real, so stage one we like to call wired.

JASMEKA:

I think you should first give them the first the. Could you know?

SYLVESTER:

Oh, the first three. Oh yeah, all right. So, my bad y'all. It's three stages, three stages. The stages are discipline. Well, I'm going to say three principles, right? So there's three stages. So there's three stages, and that's early childhood, middle childhood.

SYLVESTER:

We got our notes y'all. Adolescence, yeah, ok, almost adulthood. So early childhood will be five ages, infancy to five. Middle childhood would be ages six to 12. And then, of course, adolescence is 13 to 18. And inside of each one of these stages, there's three principles that will continue to repeat. You will have to continue to repeat these three principles, but it's just that, with every stage, the principles that you're applying look different. It look different.

JASMEKA:

You have to start to apply these things differently, because now you're dealing with a different stage, a different level of child. Go ahead, and we also learned that if you like, frame our what you like, what you're teaching or what somebody's trying to learn, and like tangible ways, they'll understand it. So you're going to hear him mention the three d's. We had to like really find words because you're to be like we need to be loving, but we were trying to keep it in a system that when you're parenting day to day, you can quickly recall it's three D's. I need to operate in my D's and you can pull on one.

SYLVESTER:

So easy to understand.

JASMEKA:

Tell them what the three D's are.

SYLVESTER:

That will be discipline. That's the first one Right, that will be discipline. That's the first one right. We got to discipline them. Make sure that they're disciplined in a gentle way. Right, mom, what you pointing?

JASMEKA:

at there.

SYLVESTER:

No, I was just no. Go ahead and tell what you-.

JASMEKA:

No, I was just trying to say like it was up there, oh, okay, okay okay, okay, so yeah, thank you.

SYLVESTER:

Thank you, that's what we thank. You Would have helped me. So the three Ds are directing, direct discipline and devote.

JASMEKA:

All right, tell them what devote means.

SYLVESTER:

Devote meaning love. It means to remind when we at Okay, my baby, she made it, she didn't want to type it up, all right, so, um. Devote meaning loving, deep care, commitment and affection. So that's just one of those d words that actually means and reminds you, reminds us to show love absolutely while we're raising these adults.

SYLVESTER:

You know what I'm saying. Show love because sometimes're raising these adults. You know what I'm saying. Show love because sometimes we can get caught up in the other two D's, which are, uh, direct, right, we got, we're here to give them direction. Um, start your children off, um, as they should go. Right, teach a child in a way that they should go and even when they are old, they will not turn from it. That's Proverbs 22 and 6. These are some references. Then we got discipline. You know which is?

JASMEKA:

I don't spread a rod.

SYLVESTER:

You spoil a child.

JASMEKA:

We already know that they know that by heart.

SYLVESTER:

And it's a reminder that discipline, when done wisely, it helps to guide our children towards being wise individuals and making wise decisions for themselves. This is good stuff. What else you got for me?

JASMEKA:

We got Colossians 3 and 21. Fathers, do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged. So that ties into that devotion. Show them love, like and I'll be honest, that's the part I'm growing in, because I give orders, I give commands, demands, however you want to put it, and I feel like they should be followed. But, um, children need love too. Just think about, in your relationship, if this person just always directed and disciplined you and never loved on you. How would you feel it's gonna you? You're gonna resent them after a while. Like show me love, don't just try to teach me the way.

JASMEKA:

Show me some love along the way right so let's get into the first stage that we um, we graduated y'all. We don't got nobody. Five and under.

SYLVESTER:

We don't.

JASMEKA:

None, nothing but a God child, but she don't live here.

SYLVESTER:

Exactly, but what we've learned in our journey is that it's a journey from going to more, so wired right To wireless.

JASMEKA:

Wireless Right, and that's the revelation that God gave you when I was venting to you about Papa. I'm like babe.

JASMEKA:

Papa is the oldest, sorry, that's the 18 year old. So I'm like babe, I'm just not listening. I'm trying to tell him to do this, he's not. He's not listening, he's not following up. And then I'm worried. I'm following the location. Hey, it's 12 or one, he's not. He's not listening, he's not following up. And then I'm worried. I'm following the location. Hey, it's 1201, babe, he not home yet. So I'm pulling up to find my iphone, trying to track him, and he's like babe, you gotta let go, you gotta trust god you gotta let go, but we can go, skip all the way, go through these stages.

SYLVESTER:

okay, we're gonna go through these stages. So the first stage we're talking about it's basically, um, like I said, a journey has taken us from um, a more hands-on to hands-free. So we all, we all know these terms from technology, right, cell phones and things like that. So, um, stage one, early childhood okay, wired beginnings um, this is kind of like where we still direct and discipline and we still devote, but now direction looks more so like it's highly wired.

SYLVESTER:

You know, what I'm saying Now is hands on, it's more providing constant care and structure and protection. You write there and it takes protection, you right there, and it takes faith, right. But I feel like the faith most of the faith is used in this area when we just we're new at this parenting thing and we want to be the best parents we can be, and so it takes faith to believe that we can become that, more so than it takes faith, you know, in regards to the child, believing that we, that God got us and we got a good foundation and and that we are giving them the best, that that you know, giving them what they need as parents.

JASMEKA:

I would say with the um wired, wired parenting in the beginning stages it's necessary. Definitely they can't feed themselves, they can't clothe themselves, so they they truly need you, like you are their. Definitely they can't feed themselves, they can't clothe themselves, so they truly need you, like you are their guide. They don't know nothing, so if you don't tell them to stop or you don't redirect them in them early stages, they think it's good yeah.

SYLVESTER:

I mean, and you, because you're making. That's a stage where you're making basically every decision for them.

JASMEKA:

Ooh bae, I take that back. I said we don't have nobody in this stage. We got Ryder.

SYLVESTER:

Ryder is our dog, y'all Ryder.

JASMEKA:

Ryder is our golden doodle. Oh, don't say I'm too loud, I'm not saying that he might bark, but y'all, we in that stage, we're trying to teach him. Hey, what a peep and poop in the house. It takes constant you're in the house Like it takes.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, it takes a constant reminder. You're constantly hands-on with that. You're, you're, you're there, hands-on, providing constant care. It's structure and protection. You got instruction where to do this at, you know, but you're giving the care along with it. So you got your, your, your, your, your direction that you're giving still, and you got, you know, telling your child hey, don't do this. You know you put in there, uh, I remember you're covering the sockets so that the baby don't don't, don't, put nothing in it. Um, you're, uh, listening for every cry. You might have a baby monitor in the room because you're constantly, even when you're not there, you're trying to be present there. You know what I'm saying. So, even because you're constantly, even when you're, not there.

JASMEKA:

You're trying to be present there.

SYLVESTER:

You know what I'm saying. So even if you're away, you got the baby monitor. Oh, shoot, the baby cried, calling your husband, or calling your wife hey, check on the baby. So it's a constant thing. You always because there are, they're more dependent on you and I feel like in that, in that level it doesn't take as much faith as the other levels were in the same way, but it takes faith to believe that you can do it, and we believe that you can do it.

JASMEKA:

To me that's the easiest stage. Run that back. Don't run it back. I want to move on. Oh Lord, jesus knows, but like I really believe that's the easiest stage because it's my way, the way like you ain't really getting, yeah, when they turn to push back, you know they're twoing up and they be saying terrible tools, yeah, you may get some resistance, yeah, but it's still your way, your rules, your order. So you got more time to you know.

SYLVESTER:

Impress upon them what it's gonna be right, you still give them that structure, so so. So discipline for that level says that discipline should be gentle and frequent, as parents set early boundaries, corrections are immediate and behavior is closely monitored. That's that discipline, right there. Devotion on that level says that um, devotion is very physical, very physical. Here you might have to pop, pop, you might have to. Um devotion is very physical, very physical. Here you might have to pop, pop.

SYLVESTER:

You might have to um you know you got to lay some hands um praying. That's what we're talking about. Not all the time Um providing, but, but the way that you're providing love though, um, I'm saying the love is very hands-on, um, and it's providing love through hugs. That love is very hands-on, um, and and it's providing love through hugs, playtime and and uh, and attention. You know, parents are emotionally and physically connected to the child. It's a hands-on thing. You got to put your hands on them, hug them, talk to them, be all in their face with the goo, goo, gaga and blah, blah, blah, like otherwise they don't feel that. You know, I'm saying so, it's more of a hands-on thing okay uh, stage two you're six to twelve year olds.

SYLVESTER:

We have two of those and stage two is called what? Middle child, child unplug.

JASMEKA:

That's the unplugging slowly unplugging, because your girl ain't completely unplugging this time that we living in. We cannot unplugged completely. We got to monitor, we got to watch, we got to get in their business, but it just look a little different.

SYLVESTER:

It look a little different.

JASMEKA:

In early childhood you could play with the kids. You could build the blocks. Now it's more so they trying to create bonds with their friendships. You really can't get in a sandbox with them and their friends. It just look a little different. Sorry, go ahead. When it comes to direct, which means teach. In this stage, our children are becoming more independent, so they're shifting the decisions of what my parents may say. Yes, we have influence, but we're not really the top of what it is.

SYLVESTER:

The top influence is once they start having friends and all of that. And that comes in this stage, right you?

SYLVESTER:

know what I'm saying you become, your influence takes a a lower level on the yeah, on that totem pole, and so you still they're directing and you still there, um, uh, giving them what they need, but it's more of a you're kind of releasing that. That hands on a little bit and you kind of depending on them to what you've taught them, depending on them to be able to play that out themselves and learn. This is real big for this stage. Learn consequences, consequences is real big in this stage for you to be able to sit back and let them see how that plays out. Right, that's what you chose. Let's see how that plays out. It ain't for the killer, right, but it's saying like we may as well let them bump their heads on this level so that when we get on a greater level, to where it could be actually something fatal you know what I'm saying Something that will actually kill them, then they already know how to you know, they already know what consequence looks like. You know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA:

So you kind of went into discipline, like how you discipline in those times. That's pretty much what we boiled it down to. When it comes to them, it's more of teaching, Like what you did. We're going to have a conversation about it and I'm going to try to teach you right but your actions is. You know, they pretty much got to handle that, not parents always trying to intervene, or we got to teach them how to handle those um ordeals now as far as devotion, we showing them love, but it's that the emotional support is.

SYLVESTER:

I mean, it's still important, we still left for them emotionally. But the parents also have to start praying more for guidance. Right, like you pray and you get your guidance from a higher source, so that then, uh, you could help guide this child, um, with wisdom. Um, a parent at this level starts to see the child as an individual, more so with their own thoughts and needs. So we understand that they have their own characters now. They have their own personalities now, their own dislikes and likes. It ain't mommy telling them what's nasty, no more. It ain't daddy telling them what's nasty and what they shouldn't like, or whatever the case is. Now they starting to figure out their own likes and dislikes.

JASMEKA:

Let me interject real quick, y'all, real quick, real quick, real quick, real quick. Since we on the age of six to 12 and kids started dating in middle school, let's have this real life conversation. Sorry, y'all, I was trying to dance it off, shake it off, brush it off, ignore it. But why is it? I ain't gonna direct it to you, I'm a director to everybody, please.

JASMEKA:

Why is it that the boys can date when they're probably 11 or 12, 6, 7 grade, but we preach to our girls you can't date like. Why are they given different? Different uh guidelines yeah, like, why is that for me? And I'm struggling with that y'all? Because in sixth grade well yeah, sixth grade, one of the boys they did have a girl that they called their little girlfriend, and we'll correct it and say, no, she's your friend girl, but when it comes to our daughter, we're preaching and drilling you cannot date. You better not date.

SYLVESTER:

Well, I think that that comes from you know just what we know about girls and what we know about the female, what y'all know about girls In regards to just you know emotions. You know what I'm saying. Get attached in relationships as. So I'm saying Get attached in relationships. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen with men, with boys, but not as easily. Men, Boys are more detached. We can detach from it, Even if we hurting, we can detach from it. And just like you said no, that ain't your girlfriend, that's your friend girl. That's to say that listen, don't get wrapped said, no, it ain't your girlfriend, your friend girl. That's to say that Listen, don't get wrapped up in this, this ain't your top priority. You know what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER:

As long as you could, you could have a relationship with somebody and it not be your top priority, because you got goals that you're trying to reach. You got grades you got to keep up. You got a lot of things to get done. Grades you got to keep up. You got a lot of things to get done. And if you put this first and at the top right, then everything else takes a backseat to that and it's not going to turn out right. This should not affect your grades, this should not affect your chores at home. It should not affect even how you feel about yourself. You understand what I'm saying so, and I feel like girls are more susceptible to allowing that to happen, because they get their emotions all wrapped up in in boys um a little bit more than than what boys do for girls so go ahead, go ahead, what so?

JASMEKA:

you. You're saying, boys are emotionless, like.

SYLVESTER:

Nah, nah, I'm just saying that, unless I'm going to say that, unless they're actually like having sex with the girl, sex with the girl, um, they're not too prone to get wrapped up in a female to the point where they losing themselves. But a female, even without the sex, uh, a female can get wrapped up. A good girl can get wrapped up in a boy, um I agree, we're more relational, we're more relational.

JASMEKA:

We're more relational, I agree.

SYLVESTER:

I don't agree.

JASMEKA:

I believe so Respectfully. I believe we're more relational Women Girls. Okay, yeah, we can sometimes show our emotions more than a boy, but you helping me out a little bit.

SYLVESTER:

Mm-hmm.

SYLVESTER:

But you helping me out a little bit Mm-hmm, but y'all come on with some solutions, because I don't think we're the only parents that's allowing the boys to date and the girl cannot date. I think it also has to do with I mean, it's the character too. You know what I'm saying, what Martin Luther King said a man should not be judged by the color of his skin but by the content of his character. And in the same way, you can't judge your kids off of their gender, but, more so, just off of their character. What type of child is that? You understand what I'm saying? Are they the type of child that will get lost in a relationship, or are they the type of child who can stay focused Like, do that, and because I don't ran across, I don't say plenty, I almost said it, I almost lied, but I don't ran across.

SYLVESTER:

Some girls, you know saying in my upbringing, that wasn't, it wasn't easy to get, it wasn't easy to find, because they was always about whatever it is they was on. If you catch them, you're going to have to walk with them because they're not going to stop for you. You're going to have to hold a books while they're on the way there. You have to walk them to class because they're not going to stop for you. And that's focus. You understand what I'm saying. So it's some, some children that that are just more focused than others, and I think that should bear a lot on whether you feel like you can trust them at you know it's a maturity level so I'm looking at the character, not the sex definitely, definitely I need to go do some reevaluation.

JASMEKA:

Yeah to these approvals that's out there for the boys. But yeah, y'all. That was the tangent. I was trying not to go in, but it's just it's a conversation. It's a conversation that we're currently having in our home.

SYLVESTER:

Understandable. Got it my bad, but we here y'all, we here, we with you, we with you, because we're going through it too. So where were we? Um? We're moving on to my least favorite part of stage three favorite adolescent stage, ages 13 and 18, and we call this wireless parenting. Now, wireless parenting, man, look at it, takes more faith. Because see what the stage? Stage one little faith. Stage two a little bit more faith. Stage three a lot of faith, a lot of faith.

JASMEKA:

Um, because, my strength in the lord.

SYLVESTER:

You think of it like. You know, just like wireless, right, that your level of effectiveness with that child, on this level more so, should depend on the connectivity. Just like wireless, the connectivity. How strong is the connection? Did you build a strong enough connection while the child was there In stages two and one? That's what you should be, ain't nothing wrong? Look ahead, you know what I'm saying. That's why we're talking about this, so that some of y'all who might be in stage one look ahead, make sure that you're building a good enough connection.

SYLVESTER:

I ain't saying you got to be friend over. I ain't saying you got to be, you know, friend over. I ain't saying put put, devotion, put, devote, put love over, put the, the kindness and the friendliness over discipline and over um structure. You know what I'm saying. Direction, however, it has to be a part of the sauce because that makes for a great connection with the child. And so when you move to stage three, where it's more of a wireless, you're depending on the connectivity, you're depending on the connection between you and that child that you've already built and you're depending more on the connection that you have with God, which is through faith. So that's why it takes stronger faith Like. What's your bandwidth, baby? How strong is the what you working with? Is that 5G? What is it? What is it what you working with? Can?

JASMEKA:

I connect to your Wi-Fi.

SYLVESTER:

Um Girl, you gotta deal with your own, you gotta use your own service. Baby Listen.

JASMEKA:

Jamarcus is a great kid, my inner circle Again.

SYLVESTER:

that's our first child.

JASMEKA:

That's the papa, sorry, okay. Okay, he's a great kid. My inner circle, my close friends. If I call and been about something so stupid, they're like, girl, you like when I be like, oh my gosh, he's moving, he's leaving, I don't know, is he gonna be okay, they be like what you and your husband instilled in him, like think on those things exactly so whatever y'all taught him, you gotta believe that you taught him well, and I'm like okay, I believe it, baby gotta believe it yeah, but I just need to connect, I need to borrow some of his.

SYLVESTER:

I mean I know it's different you got a hot spot I could, you can jump on hot spot a little bit, but not too long, in respect to the mothers and this dynamic, because I know some, you know, especially coming from you, know our community, like some of us are doing this by ourselves and in respect to that, in respect to the women who are doing it by themselves because there's more of y'all doing it by yourselves than us men, but it is some of y'all out there, salute to y'all fellas. But for the ones, for the women, I know that it's a lot harder for y'all to let go on, not only because before that hands-on stage of zero to infancy, to before that, it was more than just hands-on. They was connected to y'all emotions, they was connected to every part of y'all. You know what I'm saying. Like when y'all got sick, they got sick. When they got sick, y'all got sick. Whatever you crave, they crave. Whatever y'all, the baby crave, y'all crave.

SYLVESTER:

It's like y'all was connected in so many ways that of course it's harder for y'all to disconnect. You know what I'm saying and respect to that. Like we get it, we get it. But this is, if not anything, probably one of the greatest challenges to parenthood for a mother, and, you know, to us all but for a mother.

JASMEKA:

And I don't think you're telling us to disconnect, you know totally, because we'll never be able to do that. But I just think we need to change, like you know, change with the times, like we're moving on from trying to say, no, you're supposed to do this, this, this, this, this, to kind of trusting that what we taught they will do, and, more so, turning it into prayer instead of now, I'm your, I'm a pray for you. I ain't your teacher, no more. I'm a pray Like I'm your intercessor. I'm a, I'm an intercede.

SYLVESTER:

So I think that's what you need, and it takes more faith to be able to say I'm going to. I know I can't. You know, control, I don't have the level of control, cause see what the thing about is with every level you're relinquishing some of this control that you've been able to have with every level, and this is the level where you relinquish most of it. Now, where you relinquish your control, which is physically, you actually gain more control in a different realm, which is spiritually, but that's if you choose to operate in that manner. So it's an evolution. It's actually the evolution of parenting is learning how to operate more so in a spiritual realm than the physical, because it started out physical, but as you get closer and closer to that third stage, it's supposed to become more spiritual.

SYLVESTER:

So the notes that we have for stage three direct. When you direct on stage three. It says that parenting becomes almost fully wireless during adolescence. It says that parenting becomes almost fully wireless during adolescence. Parents offer guidance and advice, but they're no longer in the driver's seat. Teens are making their own decisions and parents must trust God to guide them.

JASMEKA:

Jesus, take the wheel.

SYLVESTER:

I'm going to sit in a passenger seat, about letting go and trusting that the foundation you laid in the earliest stages are still working.

JASMEKA:

Absolutely.

SYLVESTER:

Discipline what does?

JASMEKA:

discipline look like in the third stage. Parents must rely on faith that God will lead and direct their children, even through mistakes. Discipline is now more internal for the child, meaning they're focusing on self-discipline, and parents have to rely on the lessons to teach them. I think that's what we fear. As parents, though, we don't want life to teach them. We want to teach them Like don't make life, be your teacher.

SYLVESTER:

Learn from me. Learn from the mistakes we can teacher Right. Learn from me Right. Learn from our mistakes. Learn from the mistakes we can point out to you from other people.

JASMEKA:

And, I think, some mistakes unfortunately the child has to go through. Yeah, like we don't want it Lord knows we don't. But it's just some of those kids. It's like okay, they may take this lesson and not do that, but they may do something completely different and learn the lesson from that right because they got a purpose too they do like me becoming a teen mom.

JASMEKA:

I'm sure that's attached. That's definitely attached to my purpose. My mom gave the lessons don't do this, don't do that, don't do this, don't do this. So this can happen, that can happen, but I still did it I did it and I had to learn my lesson, yeah, so, um, just pray, and that's what the devotion kind of looked like. It's that praying and asking god to cover them, protect them, lead them, guide them.

SYLVESTER:

But yeah, um, one thing I've a lot of times too it is dynamic like if it's two parents and it's dynamic like two parents we still together, thank God. The men, we tend to become the coaches. We tend to be the one to have to pull them off the ledge when they trip and think that that faith level be like in the red about these children, and we have to. You know, one of the things I always had to remind my wife is that, hey, you know, think about what you, what you, the mistakes you made, and you still here today. Think about the dumb stuff you did when you was a kid, just dumb, and you still made it right.

SYLVESTER:

So it's like they're gonna do some dumb stuff and it's the prayer right. It's because that parent or that grandparent was operating in in in the authority in the spot that they actually did have control in spiritually. That got, got him through, it got us through our mistakes and we got to rely on the same thing. Now we got to become right, we got to become that next level parent.

JASMEKA:

Uh, in this stage, and it takes work- oh, I'm gonna say I'm becoming I'm, I'm, I'm becoming I'm not it, this is our first child that stepped up to the plate, like, yeah, about to be an adult Well, pretty much is an adult. And I'm like, yeah, I'm still driving this car. And he's showing me like, no, you're not, because I'm going to snatch the wheel back and you know, try to run away.

SYLVESTER:

Or steal a car or something. Let me say this. Let me say this too because, um, I remember we was talking the other day and um I, what I realized in our conversation about parenting was that the more you fight, it's always kind of like a tug-of-war between the future and the past. You know what I'm saying and you become the past, fighting with the future. As a parent, we become the past, fighting against the future. When we can't, when we don't, stand up and just become the future. You know what I'm saying?

SYLVESTER:

When we all right, still treating that child like they on stage one, but then stage two, we still applying discipline the way that we would if they were still in that, that last stage when they moved on and they're in a different stage now. So you have to kind of start to respond in the same way, right, that other level that they're on. If you't, then you end up clashing and then as parents we love to say oh, it's him, it's her, these kids tripping. It's not always these kids tripping, sometimes it's you tripping, because you ain't got no faith for this level. You need to come up and that child saying listen, I ain't coming back down, right, you're gonna have to meet me up here or sometimes too, uh, as parents we kind of skip that middle stage and gratefully I could say I didn't and do number one all the way up to three right.

JASMEKA:

They just or they don't even do number one or number two. They just let the kids be grown and then, when it becomes that they don't even do number one or number two, they just let the kids be grown. And then, when it becomes that they can't control these kids, then they want to pass them off and be like oh, he need therapy, he need this. And it's like they drop them off in your office and be like fix this. So my favorite question is how many years this way of being has been? Oh, he'd been like that since he was seven. Oh, okay, so what?

SYLVESTER:

like you allowed him, you allowed this child to be, to operate like this yeah, so your fears and your concerns are real, and it should be real yeah because it's something you didn't do in those stages that you, you know, helped create this monster.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SYLVESTER:

Helped create this monster.

JASMEKA:

So I just delivered myself in that. Thank you, holy Spirit. I can honestly say that we poured into Jamarcus. We gave him everything. We showed him the way, we taught him the way he know, the way he know God.

SYLVESTER:

And again, that's our first child.

JASMEKA:

That's the first child, but it's like I can. I need to just sit in this stage of wireless parenting and enjoy the.

SYLVESTER:

It should be easy it should be like it should be when you should be enjoyable. Yeah, when you start to activate the level of faith that it takes for that level, for for that stage, then it's easy.

JASMEKA:

Public service announcement. Leave our Black boys alone, Because that influenced our parenting too, and I had to apologize to Jamarcus several times in my parenting journey, Like I'm sorry, I just don't want the world to teach you because they don't respect you. So that's you know. I think that's something we do as parents. I mean, I'm a woman, but I think that's something we do. We discipline a little harder because they Black and it's not fair.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, it's not fair, and what happens is because of what was happening in the world. We end up parenting in fear.

JASMEKA:

Traumatizing these kids. I apologize to Jamarcus.

SYLVESTER:

We end up parenting in fear and not in faith, because you can't do both.

JASMEKA:

Right. So some listen. Some of y'all need to go and apologize to y'all children. I'm sorry if I was I was too hard or I disciplined too much, like it's just the world we live in, society we live in and I was that way because of this and we shouldn't be that way. Our word we're using is devote love on, serve honor like embrace. I'm not saying don't discipline, still do that. The Bible tells us you spare the rod, you spoil the child. I'm not trying to spoil you, but we need to let trauma stop raising these children exactly we need to let fear stop raising these children.

JASMEKA:

We need to let embarrassment stop raising these children, because some of us go hard just so the family members can't say, oh, your child turned out like this. Guess what? There's a guy you laugh at mine, you You're going to be laughing about when you're going to be crying, because you ain't going to laugh when it hits you. So it's real, really. We love the babies. We feel like I know y'all probably like, oh yeah, relationships One on one, y'all supposed to be about marriage. Yeah, children are marriage, definitely. You marry me, you marry the children I come with, or we create children. I come with or we create children. Exactly, you are a part of this union, it's part of it. You come first, but there still are children.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah.

JASMEKA:

So next week we cannot remiss the fact that these same principles apply to relationships.

SYLVESTER:

Direct discipline devote. They also apply inside of our relationships between the two, between husband and wife, lover and lover, partnership.

JASMEKA:

So make sure y'all jump on. Next week we out.

SYLVESTER:

Peace. Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life.