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BALANCING ACT: Harmonizing Marriage and In-laws Without Compromising Integrity

• Sylvester & Jasmeka Wilson • Season 1 • Episode 24

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Ever wondered how to maintain harmony with your in-laws without sacrificing your marriage's integrity? This episode of Relationships 101 Podcast promises to equip you with practical strategies to establish healthy boundaries and navigate the often tricky waters of in-law relationships. We share personal stories, like the tricky decision of whether to give a spare house key to a mother-in-law, to illustrate how open, non-confrontational conversations can prevent conflicts and misunderstandings. We emphasize the importance of presenting a united front with your partner and communicate in a loving and inclusive manner to ensure your marriage remains strong.

Financial dynamics can complicate relationships, especially when family members are involved. We'll explore how to manage financial boundaries effectively and why discretion is vital when sharing personal issues with friends and family. Comparisons to business operations help underscore the importance of maintaining autonomy in your relationship, even if it means facing some hardships. Learn how to keep external control at bay and ensure that financial contributions from relatives do not translate into unwanted authority over your personal life.

Family can sometimes overstep, feeling entitled to have a say in your personal matters. We delve into the concept of "leave and cleave," emphasizing the need for independence from parental support to build a solid foundation with your partner. Through real-life experiences, we highlight the importance of direct communication in resolving conflicts, mutual respect, and realistic expectations in married life. We also discuss how recognizing each other's concerns about family interference and maintaining a team mentality can lead to harmonious relationships with in-laws while safeguarding the integrity of your marriage. Join us for a heartfelt discussion on strengthening your relationship while fostering positive connections with your extended family.

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SYLVESTER:

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Relationships 101 podcast, your introduction to a healthy, committed relationship. I'm your host, Sylvester Wilson.

JASMEKA:

And I'm your co-host, JasMeka Wilson.

SYLVESTER:

Are your in-laws stressing you out?

JASMEKA:

They shouldn't Not with boundaries.

SYLVESTER:

I mean, when we come into these committed relationships, I feel like you marry your in-laws.

JASMEKA:

You marry somebody with a family.

SYLVESTER:

So you don't feel like you marry your in-laws.

JASMEKA:

No, I marry you.

SYLVESTER:

But you marry me, you marry the family too.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, but you said I married my in-laws. No, I marry you, but you marry me. You marry the family too, yeah, but you said I married my in-laws. I married you and a part of you I inherited.

SYLVESTER:

You inherited, thank you, a family. Yes, you sure inherited a family, absolutely. So if you had one mama, now you got two. If you had one daddy, now you got two Siblings all that you inherited absolutely, and which means that it's a part of the dynamic. Now, how do we handle that? Are they toxic? Are your in-laws toxic? Um, are they hard to deal with? What is the dynamic of y'all relationship? And how's it going? Headphones, take that off, fix it.

JASMEKA:

Well, yeah, no, no, let's get into it because it's a real conversation. I know it's not no well, we know it's not no worldwide number that we can attach to. Oh, divorce happened because 26 percent said in-law dispute. Like, we've tried to do the research and there was no stacks in regards to the percentage of divorces that happen because of in-law differences. Right, but we know it's a real thing and it can be marital conflict. It might don't lead to a divorce or it may do lead to a divorce, but it's something, but something that I can share. From our research it said that women have more marital problems with in-laws than the guys.

SYLVESTER:

Or are you guys more sensitive to the in-law thing?

JASMEKA:

I think we're more relational, so of course some sensitivity is going to be there, but I just believe, naturally, the in-law thing. I think we're more relational, so of course some sensitivity is going to be there, but I just believe, naturally women desire it to be whole, it to be well put together and everybody blend well. Well, guys, y'all really. Hey, we're going to show up at mama's on Christmas, all right, we're going there for Christmas, but it ain't outside of Christmas. I need mama to check up on me or something. So I think that's why that that stat was there or y'all just doing too much.

SYLVESTER:

It happens a lot um, so establishing boundaries is very important in the in-law relationship.

JASMEKA:

It really is I give a quick story. Let's see. Yeah, we gave mama gail keys when we first moved yeah, that's gave the keys to the house.

JASMEKA:

That's. That's his mama. Yeah, we gave her keys because she stayed locally. We was like here's a spare key If something happened and we lock ourselves outside the house. If you need to go, let somebody in the house. Here's a key. Mama Gail decides. Whenever she stopped by she wanted to use the key. So while we're talking about boundaries, we definitely had to establish those and have the uncomfortable conversations that people avoid. So now Mama Gail still got a key, but she don't use it when she know when to use it. Now and it wasn't confrontational, it wasn't a fight, it was just a conversation that needs to be had. So, on your boundaries, what would you suggest to the people, because that can be a hard thing to establish.

SYLVESTER:

I feel like, when it comes to those boundaries for one, I feel like it should be communicated first, right Amongst the two.

JASMEKA:

Okay.

SYLVESTER:

Like let's talk about it first. Like if you notice something that needs to be checked you know what I'm saying Then let's talk about it first. Let's have that conversation so that we don't want to court right Before it's taken to the person. So either we taking that together, right, which I feel like probably would be the best and if it doesn't happen that way and just one of us is talking to the person, at least we know that the other person has our back and is saying and feeling the same way we are about it.

JASMEKA:

So maybe they should say, hey, we like, instead of saying my wife feel like y'all mistreating her. Hey, y'all are disrespecting us.

SYLVESTER:

Right.

JASMEKA:

When y'all do X, y, z, right, like put it on, put it on us, not just one party.

SYLVESTER:

And definitely like put it on a, put it on us, not just and definitely your delivery, is everything I can say using words. That's, that's inclusive. We, you know I'm saying to let them know it ain't just me, it's us. So, yes, your daughter, feel the same way, I feel about it and, um, also making sure that you're delivering it in a loving way. You know what I'm saying. You ain't barking at nobody and you ain't starting no fires. You know what I'm saying Because we both do feel this way. So it shouldn't be. No, if you got a problem with dad, then you got a problem with us. You know what I'm saying Because we both feel that way. It's just that, long as it's delivered the right way, it shouldn't be an issue.

JASMEKA:

But what if you got a spouse who you're trying to communicate that to and y'all just not seeing eye to eye so that spouse feel like she need to say it or he need to say it for himself because you're not going to say it?

SYLVESTER:

Is it that they just ain't going to say it, or they just don't agree?

JASMEKA:

Maybe they don't agree or they're not a confrontational person. If it's just that they're not a confrontational person.

SYLVESTER:

If it's just that they're not a confrontational person, then now we're talking about strengths and weaknesses. So then okay, if that's more so, your partner's strength and you know the conflict, confrontation really ain't yours, then yeah, go ahead and let them lead the way and you back them up right you know I'm saying at least let them know, let your family know, or whoever family know, that I feel the same way.

SYLVESTER:

It's just she or he is leading the conference. The confrontation. When I say confrontation, it doesn't have to mean you know, I know there's a negative connotation to the word confrontation it doesn't have to mean that it just means we're confronting, we're meeting, whatever the issue is head on. You know what I'm saying, hence the word front the issue is head on.

JASMEKA:

You know what I'm saying, hence the word front. I think, before we even address boundaries, though, bae, we gotta address people as individuals, because I think people come into marriages or relationship with this false expectation that, oh, his family gotta love me. Hold on real quick. Everybody in your family don't even love you. Everybody ain't even love Jesus. So while you get into this relationship and expect that all your in-laws got to love you, respect they got to have the Christ love for you, but they don't have to like you or invite you to everything or be around you all the time. Let's just clear that out All your in-laws ain't your friends.

JASMEKA:

All your in-laws. You don't hang around all your family, so don't get in this family trying to act like oh, your family out of whack, you don't hang around yours.

SYLVESTER:

Right.

JASMEKA:

But yeah, I think we first need to deal with our expectations, because that is a heavy expectation that people feel like your mama should like me or your daddy should like me. They should respect you and have Christ's love for you, but if they don't want a relationship with you, I don't feel this should come between me it should affect what we got going on. It shouldn't come between that.

SYLVESTER:

True, true, true.

JASMEKA:

Unless you putting this person, who you know don't like me, before me or above me, or you making them come in a relationship and kind of bring us apart in a fire.

SYLVESTER:

You know saying unnecessary fire. Um, you know somebody, don't. If you know somebody, if you know your spouse or your loved one, the person you're in a committed relationship don't necessarily get along with whoever it is in your family. I don don't feel that it's that you should make them actually be around a person, because that could just make matters worse. You know what I'm saying and that's where it could end up affecting what y'all got going on as opposed to. You know, sometimes you gotta leave things alone and let that work out for itself. You know what I'm saying. Over time, it's okay to love people from a distance until you know, until the situation or the relationship matures enough, right.

JASMEKA:

I just had to come for us as individuals first, because we have false expectations. I'm grateful that I have a relationship with you, know certain people in the family, but it's like those that's not there. But do you have?

SYLVESTER:

to have a relationship with everybody, do you got to be good? Do everybody got to respect you got to not respect Everybody's going to respect, but do everybody have to accept you in the family? Like it doesn't have to be that way. So even if you're in that dating stage right now, or you know, y'all still just in a committed relationship, y'all haven't got engaged yet, or maybe you engaged Just having that conversation about what you expect. You know what I'm saying. Like let's have that conversation. So the expectations, because one thing that could, a big thing, that could ruin a relationship is false expectations, and that's on whatever level and whatever category of our journey together. So that's how that talks to in-laws. What do we? What do we expect? What do you expect you expect everybody to like you. That's kind of, uh, I think that's kind of, yeah, a human. It's kind of, you know, it's kind of fantasy laying there. You know what I'm saying. Like, in reality, everybody's not gonna like you. So let's go into it knowing that and being open to it, because it shouldn't affect us.

SYLVESTER:

Right Because you feeling some type of way because your expectation wasn't met with somebody in my family that ain't got nothing to do with me. You know what I'm saying, right? So let's do this the right way, and that's why we doing this. What Relationship 101?.

JASMEKA:

Your introduction.

SYLVESTER:

Introduction, so introducing, you know way, and that's why we're doing this.

JASMEKA:

What relationships 101 your?

SYLVESTER:

introduction.

JASMEKA:

Introduction so introducing, you know that conversation like in-laws, because really take away the term in-laws individuals right humans individual yeah, just because there's a title to the relationship. Now, relationships still have to be developed. They gotta, you gotta, work on them, right we don't partner and go into relationships with everybody okay anybody, just remove the title.

SYLVESTER:

They're humans and you're saying, you know, by individual you mean like there there's a, there has to be a connection on each individual level yeah when it comes to relationships, it ain't just okay a group deal to where, just because me and you are in love and we've committed to each other, to what everybody like, all together we've made a commitment to each other, to you know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA:

Right.

SYLVESTER:

It's not what it is Now. You've inherited right, but as it comes to, when it comes to those, each, each, each individual relationship with each individual person, that's something that has to be worked out. What Individually, individually.

JASMEKA:

Yeah.

SYLVESTER:

And we got to look at it. That's more realistic. That's more realistic.

JASMEKA:

And plus with that on top of setting boundaries, I think what messes up a lot of people too is say you go outside the home venting about me, of course you're going to make them despise me or feel a way about me.

SYLVESTER:

Listen, I'm glad this relationship is 101. And that right there is 101. That's the first class you take. That's what you teach you learn that at Don't talk bad about your loved ones, your spouse, the person you were in a committed relationship with. Don't go talking bad about them to your family members.

JASMEKA:

You want your mama to love a whore.

SYLVESTER:

Yes, that's fundamental. Five times she cheated on you. That's fundamental. That's fundamental. Whatever y'all going through, man, hey, y'all work that out. If you need to talk to anybody, let it be somebody who not your family?

JASMEKA:

right not your family member, dog or a mature I feel like a mature family member, like, let's say, they got an uncle or aunt, somebody that's that can forgive past this one offense and they'll see the heart or they believe in you know it being restored. That might be a safe place okay.

SYLVESTER:

So I say somebody who maybe you know for a fact has that unforgiveness, when we talk about when we talk about the individual relationship and that individual commitment, somebody who you know for a fact has also made an individual commitment with the person you're with, that that they're committed to them, they want to see them win, they want to see y'all together and they're gonna ride it out um, and you know what I'm saying, so that way they can see that person through the faults.

JASMEKA:

Remember, that's still gonna be their bro, that's still gonna be their whoever, like you know remember that time we was beefing and I used to have my parking lot, petty days when you pissed me off like I'll, I'd go sit in the parking lot and then, just in your mind, have you wondering where I'm at. And you called Gail one time and was like hey, ma, you know where Jazz at. She's? Like uh-uh, don't put me in the middle of that, I ain't got nothing to do with that. Then she called my phone. She called my phone. She said girl, she want this to work.

SYLVESTER:

Right.

JASMEKA:

So even if you call her, saying you know where Jazz at, that could have been somebody else who been like she with another person, Right, right, right. Or she just putting that toxic stuff in your brain.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, but it's far and few, though, the people that you can actually be sharing those things with, because you know everybody can't hold water. You feel me, and everybody ain't got holy water either. You got, you know some people get mad with you and spray you tomorrow. You know what I'm saying, so you just got to be careful of who you share or vent into about your person.

JASMEKA:

And we got one more. We got one more. What?

SYLVESTER:

do we got.

SYLVESTER:

You can't create boundaries when mama or daddy or auntie or sisters helping you financially in that relationship, now that's a good one, that's a good one right there. Um, you can't expect that. I mean, I know there's people, I, okay, there was a um. I heard about somebody one time. I had a homeboy who used to, uh, he used to tell me about some things he was going through. You know what I'm saying. I ain't say no name, I ain't spray nobody Um, but all in all, everything he was saying, the issues he was having with, with, with, with, um, in-laws, and all that. What it boiled down to that's Is the fact that you, the mama, used to be you know what I'm saying helping them out, you know, and ain't nothing wrong with the mama helping them out and being a. You know what I'm saying. She's a part of the network, right, she a part of the support system. But if that person is helping out more than you know what I'm saying Like more often then it's, then it's kind of like business, right, if I'm putting in.

JASMEKA:

And I'm steady putting in.

SYLVESTER:

And I mean I got more say-so. Now I'm like I own more shares in the company, so I got more say-so than probably than y'all. If I'm putting more in than y'all is, you know what I'm saying. So it's like you end up with somebody else running your company or running your relationship and telling you know, telling y'all what to do, and feeling like they got that privilege to do so because I'm the one who always bailing y'all out or helping y'all. You know what I'm saying. So sometimes, man, you got to swallow that crap. Man, if that's what's happening and if not, then you got to. You know, take it like a champ at the fact that sometimes we might just have to go through that hard time. We might just have to go through it for the sake of knowing that we ain't got no more shares to give up. You know what I'm saying. Like we can't allow no more, we can't give nobody else no more uh privileges to say to come in and control things.

SYLVESTER:

Because you got to know any type of exchange, there's going to be some expectation or some uh, there's going to be some, some conditions to any type of exchange. And that's on every level, At the grocery store, wherever Some type of exchange. I mean conditions are going to come with that. There's an expiration date on everything you buy. If I buy this, now the expiration date, I'm bringing it back. That's some conditions with every exchange.

SYLVESTER:

And if that person continues to exchange and give you helping y'all out, pay this or pay that or whatever it is that they helping you out with, Are they taking you to work every day, Like you got to expect them to have some type of leverage over what's going on, or they feel like they do, and that's a conversation that y'all got to have. You know what I'm saying? You either going to relinquish them or stop them from from helping you out so much and take that like a champ, or stop them from from um helping you out so much and take that like a champ, or they going to keep getting and keep dealing with whatever mama say you might as well go ahead and pass them keys over or something Like I don't know.

SYLVESTER:

You know what I'm saying? Um, because they in that movement or in the next room or something like that, you know, get the big bed, because it happens. That's a conversation that needs to be confronted too. Don't get mad if mom or daddy or auntie they coming in and they thinking they running everything or they just got this illegal, what it is, when somebody feeling like they got the right to authority power. They feeling.

JASMEKA:

I'm not in your brain. I offered you two words.

SYLVESTER:

Oh brain, they feel like they got control. When somebody feel like they just got, like you owe them something, we say that they are Entitled. Entitled yeah, look at that charade All one of one charades. Baby is on the way. So they had this particular entitlement about themselves, about your relationship right, your house, your car. You know what I'm saying. How much leverage are you giving them? How much are you taking from them all help ain't good help. You know what I'm?

JASMEKA:

saying y'all better learn how to leave and cleave for real leave and cleave. Leave and cleave that means leave all what you were doing like we ain't saying mama can't drop off a couple of bags of groceries here and there, but mama shouldn't be paying a mortgage Unless something drastic happening. You need mama to hold you down for a month.

SYLVESTER:

And mama understand, though.

JASMEKA:

Right, she understand it's a season, a hardship or whatever it may be, and she just helping for that time, but it's leaving cleave. When we left we left, my daddy wasn't paying none of my bills, no more. Like even when I moved here and I was on a phone plan, they like why you called and disconnect the phone, why you took your phone off our phone plan. I just felt like I needed to leave and everything you were doing for me I I had to cut ties. So you can't feel like why you didn't answer the phone, something as petty as that. Yeah, you paid my phone bill.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah.

JASMEKA:

But it's really leave and cleave and figure out how y'all are gonna advance.

SYLVESTER:

Figure it out yourself. Figure it out yourself God honor marriage.

JASMEKA:

He'll do it for you.

SYLVESTER:

Definitely He'll do it. What he say, favor.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, he'll do it.

SYLVESTER:

Man finds a wife, he finds a good thing and he receives favor from the Lord that favor can get your phone bill paid now.

SYLVESTER:

You just gotta remind him about what he said. So, just like you said, cut the ties. You gotta cut the ties. Just like you cut the ties with the exes and all that. Like cut the ties with your mom and them too. I ain't saying cut them off, I'm just saying whatever you was receiving from them, like that gives them authority. So you got to cut the ties so that you could, because you got to get it on your own. We're building something Y'all got to be. You're building something with your partner over there, your own culture, your own everything. Y'all got your own foundation that y'all building. Unless it's some type of hardship and we understand that you know what I'm saying it ain't always been. We came from grandma's room. We feel you. However, if you just can't give them too much, don't accept too much help, because that could kind of tilt. When it's imbalanced it becomes toxic speaking on giving them too much.

JASMEKA:

I think they also need to see that you are like we're unbreakable, like we're a force that you can't come in and destroy us because oh, you're saying like not Okay, not accepting too much Right so not accepting what they give, but also showing them like we are forced, like we together, we a team I'm not talking about him to you, he's not talking about me to you Like we are a team. I think when people see you in that space, they have no choice but to respect it. They may not like it.

SYLVESTER:

I feel like I probably been doing that with you, though, like we'll.

JASMEKA:

Uh, oh yeah, force like this is just what it is I'm about to break something. This is just what it is. I think, when they see that you are that team, they're not gonna come as much or as frequently. Show them that, though.

SYLVESTER:

Show them that though Like what what?

JASMEKA:

Each and every time there's a disagreement or somebody trying to say something, it's jazz and man Just stand on one accord.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, it's jazz and man.

JASMEKA:

And support each other. You can't come to man about jazz and bashing jazz.

SYLVESTER:

Oh, that reminds me. That reminds me too. Another thing, too, is support. Support in a person is very important. You might not see it the way that they see it your partner you might not see it the way they see it, but if they feel like it's some type of violation or this person is overstepping some boundary or something and it should be addressed. You may not because I ain't always agree with everything and she not always agree with it, but you got to support them, you got to hear them out, hear them out.

SYLVESTER:

You know what I'm saying because it's y'all too, man. So it's like I'm gonna hear y'all what, what, what, what happened? What was the point? It's like, tell me what happened, but I'm not seeing. You know what I'm saying, especially as men, we it's a lot we're gonna be seeing and I think, as women, we need to remove again.

JASMEKA:

I'm going back to the false expectations like we'll come to them about something that one of their family members did, but our family does the same thing to us, so it's gonna be hard for them to respect oh, your aunt or whoever offended me when she did this. When they see that your family kind of offend you in the same way and you ain't cut them off.

SYLVESTER:

No, they messy too now, so don't expect me to cut them off.

JASMEKA:

So I think you just need to apply some grace there, Because, at the end of the day, remove the title In-laws. They're human. I had to learn to look at it that way Because we come in like but that's supposed to be my in-law, Like why that happen. No, that's a human. We all deal with different spirits and it's life. It happened. It's life. That's his family. I inherited a family but I still got to apply that same grace that I apply to mine.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, and that's what helped me you dealing with different personalities. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, and that's what helped me you dealing with different personalities. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah, it's some personalities, just don't click. You know what I'm saying. And, uh, you hate to put yourself in a position to where you in the middle playing a advocate or trying to throw the ball back you know what I'm saying you gotta, you gotta, be the advocate or play the middleman.

SYLVESTER:

You know I'm saying for, uh, for your, your partner and a family member, um, I, I pray that nobody had to go through that.

SYLVESTER:

You know I'm saying um communicate support right and and agree on on the boundaries that need to be set. Um, I ain't saying you as soon as you get married, it's like all right now y'all uh, ma no motives. Daddy, uh-uh, cousins, uh, kwe-kwe, uh-uh. You know what I'm saying? It's like it's on a case-by-case basis. Right Time matters, yeah, so somebody across the boundary and then you may have, you know, the sooner the better.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, because if they see that you ain't doing nothing or saying nothing about it, and then you don't let it go a hundred times. And now you want to say something that might not come out too. You know what I'm saying. It might not go across too smooth, but the sooner you address it the better, and it's okay to let them know. Hey, it's different now Married, now you know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA:

I'm married now.

SYLVESTER:

Like it's different, like that was okay when I wasn't married, but now it ain't okay. So you can't just be popping up, you can't just be doing the Django line, django line dance and all that, like I'm just making that up, I don't even know what that is, but, um, whatever it is, that it may be something that that you know, that used to happen or used to transpire transpire before you were married. You know, I'm saying right, um, in regards to how y'all interact or how that person comes around, whatever the case is, and it's like what. It can't happen that way, no more like, hit me up before you. You know what I'm saying.

SYLVESTER:

We dealing with something new here. You know, I'm saying two cultures, two different cultures, that that we come with hers and what she grew up with, mine and I grew up with, and we up under one roof trying to sort all this out and create a whole new one. Right, and we don't need no outside calamity going on. Something as simple as popping up. You know what I'm saying Unannounced or anything that we've discussed already and somebody just ain't respecting it.

JASMEKA:

I was just about to say what if you do it, somebody not respecting the boundaries that y'all are creating? Because, let's be real, it all sound good, but let's, let's tap over.

SYLVESTER:

Then it could get ugly.

JASMEKA:

Ugly like it could get ugly.

SYLVESTER:

Ugly like it could it means that for one, then now you got to be a little bit more assertive when it comes to communicating to this person, because maybe they you know I'm saying a little abc, one, two, three, you know what I'm saying and and maybe they might need a little bit more clarity. You know what I mean. Like you got to explain something to them, but they may need a little bit more communication when it comes to it. Maybe they just have a hard time understanding and you know I'm a person with a lot of patience. I give them the benefit of the doubt without you know know, snapping on them or whatever. But once I see where you just refuse to respect, then it's like okay, then you know, then I gotta get disrespectful and then you just gotta be loved from a distance because I ain't gonna stop loving you, but the respect factor ain't there. So I mean you gotta come over there.

JASMEKA:

Let's say that way, you know so is it okay to um if we have to, at times, make family members or in-laws be placed?

SYLVESTER:

I don't sit in so much higher than you you want me to come up. I want you to come up, and that's one thing too, because we in the season, we in a certain season, right there you go. Baby. Yes, ma'am, yeah.

JASMEKA:

Come up higher y'all.

SYLVESTER:

Come up higher.

JASMEKA:

Come up out of them offenses. Come up out of the rejection. Leave all that behind. It is holding up your blessings. Leave it down there and come up higher, because I've been down there before and I ain't never going back. I got so much joy, so much peace Come up higher.

SYLVESTER:

Church people just make a sermon out of anything. Nigga just told her to pull the chub. He want a whole sermon on. Come up. No, because I know that that is a no.

JASMEKA:

I know that's a heavy topic in relationships like my god people really struggle with the in-law topic, like I've seen. So many posts that be like in-laws need to be outlawed.

SYLVESTER:

No, you need to see them as individuals and remove these titles and expectations I'm sure I'm saying people that say in-laws need to be outlaws, I'm sure it's still somebody in that and they're desiring. So I'm saying it's still somebody over there in the in-law, like in in their family, in the in-law side of it, that that person's still cool with. But they, you know, but you, using these, this group, title in-laws what do you? Mean to be outlawed. Call out cousin Bam Bam and say he need to be outlawed.

JASMEKA:

Don't just say in-laws, just y'all remove the expectations from the relationship. Show them that y'all are one. Everybody will say it you cannot come between jazz and man. It's evident. We show it over and over and over again. Instances came when we showed it over and over again it's jazz and man, whether it was from my side, his side, outside, whatever.

SYLVESTER:

Your mama's side, his side outside. Wherever your mama's side, your daddy's side Over and over again On the roof side.

JASMEKA:

Once you show them that, then hey, and it's only going to work if both of y'all agree that it's us against whoever.

SYLVESTER:

Right.

JASMEKA:

If one of y'all still hanging on to mama and feel like y'all got this entitlement to mama and mama still do for y'all and mama still help y'all. We for y'all Stop checking out my thighs and pay attention Like I just feel the energy. But yeah, yeah, y'all, yeah, build relationships with your in-laws that want relationships. That's life.

SYLVESTER:

That's it.

JASMEKA:

If they desire a relationship, you desire a relationship, build it. If you desire a relationship they don't desire a relationship, leave it. Just your feet off leave it come on, don't force nothing, it's human leave and clean leave and clean.

JASMEKA:

I married him, inherited a family. Those that love me I love you back, those that can't draw close to me. I draw close those that be like, hey, I don't like her personality or I don't like that she don't talk a lot and they draw away from me. I respect your boundaries. I'm not going to disrespect your boundaries. Don't disrespect me and my relationship. I'm sorry for that tangent. You know, it's quite all right, so you want to leave them with the solutions.

SYLVESTER:

Um. You gotta handle conflict, you gotta um. I wasn't always a person who liked to handle conflict. Naturally I don't.

JASMEKA:

However, I done, seen you in some instances. And baby, it looks sexy.

SYLVESTER:

No, yeah.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, clifford ain't gonna listen, so I could call him on this one. Clifford ain't watching the episode, so I could call his name. Clifford ain't listening. But one time my boy had to stand up for me with Clifford and my boy stood up. That thing looked sexy. Like don't do it.

SYLVESTER:

In the words of Prophet Kendrick sometimes you got to pop out and show niggas, but naturally that ain't even my character. It really takes something to really some major disrespect to make me get out of character. However, I've learned over the years, though, that conflict has to be addressed. It ain't got to be addressed in a disrespectful way, but it has to be addressed because it only gets worse. You know what I'm saying. It becomes, it turns from a confrontation to a backfritation and a side frotation.

JASMEKA:

What does that mean?

SYLVESTER:

Instead of just being on the front.

JASMEKA:

It come all around.

SYLVESTER:

End up on the back of you, on the side of you, and just take over all your space. Next thing, you know that issue is taking up every part of your life. Okay, you know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA:

Got it.

SYLVESTER:

That's why it's called a confrontation. It's supposed to only be handled right here, and hopefully that's the only authority that he gets in your life is right there on the front lawn. You know what I'm saying? Right on the porch, y'all handle that.

JASMEKA:

All right.

SYLVESTER:

Wipe your feet off on the welcome mat before you come in. You know what I'm saying.

JASMEKA:

Okay, the dumb. So you coming, you know what I'm saying okay, so uh I'll say respect. Yeah, at the end of the day, that's still your family. At the end of the day, it's still my family. Yeah, so I respect what I say about your mom, your dad, definitely, definitely respect what you say about my mom, my dad, my, my siblings. We good.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, build positive connections with as much as you can. You know the Bible says that you should be At peace. Be at peace with everybody, yeah, so I mean as much as you can, build positive relationships with everybody. But right now we're talking about in-laws. Build positive relationships with them. But right now we're talking about in-laws Build positive relationships with them.

SYLVESTER:

But positive connection, I should say, if it ain't something, not a connection where the only way you connect with this person is when y'all talking about somebody else, it's not a positive connection. You know what I'm saying, because that ends up messy. I mean a positive connection meaning we connect on a level where you know we talk about business or we talk about you know we always compliment each other when we see each other and that's how our communication always start and never get on no negative. You know what I'm saying? Like just positive connections. If you can't do that and shout out to the cousins and the family who may not understand this that some people watch, they watch that, they watch it. If I'm watching you and I know that it just don't seem like I can have a positive connection with you because you just so full of drama or something and you ain't did that self-work, because these things it's a spirit, it's a spiritual world, it's a spirit and we recently was talking about how the spirit that you allow authority inside of your temple, it starts to you start taking on an identity of that thing inside of your temple. It starts to you start taking on an identity of that thing. You know what I'm saying and people who know, who can see a little bit further than just the physical, they can see that on you and don't want to connect with something like that.

SYLVESTER:

You know what I'm saying Absolutely. So let's do that work. It's back to just doing that work. Man, do the work. If you got a problem with an in-law, it might be you. It might be some work that you haven't done on yourself and that needs to be addressed. You know what I'm saying, so you know, even if the conversation will be hey, what is it about me that you just feel like you can't connect with? Is there something about me that you feel like you just can't?

JASMEKA:

connect with Everybody. Ain't ready for that conversation, everybody not.

SYLVESTER:

It's a real grown-up.

JASMEKA:

That's a grown-up thing, everybody ain't ready.

SYLVESTER:

That's a grown-up thing now, but I'm talking to grown-ups. I'm talking to grown-ups now. So you know, let's continue to grow and continue to show, and let's continue to grow and continue to show. And much love to the in-laws man.

JASMEKA:

We love y'all.

SYLVESTER:

Everybody out there, absolutely. Ain't no pressure, no, we just want everybody to be Listen you can't be praying asking God to do something.

JASMEKA:

I'm sorry y'all, I ain't trying to get y'all to sermon, but you can't be praying asking God to do something and you got this unforgiveness in your heart towards them in-laws. It ain't worth it. God already told us our husbands receive favor from us.

SYLVESTER:

So I'm not blocking up his favor because I'm mad at somebody in his favor.

JASMEKA:

Don't block me, baby, I done been there.

SYLVESTER:

I need some things.

JASMEKA:

I held on to the principle what I felt like, what happened.

SYLVESTER:

I need some things.

JASMEKA:

But when God took me on that healing journey, baby, and I realized, oh, so all that time I was asking you to bless my husband and do it for me, open up the door you weren't doing it because of the unforgiveness that was in my heart. Oh, it's real now. Look, you offend me, baby. I'm trying to shake the fence off as quick as you gave it. Or there's a disagreement, or I didn't like what you say. I'm trying to address it head on.

JASMEKA:

I remember me and his mom just recently had a small disagreement because me and her we done crossed the line from mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to friends. So now we have friend offense. So I forgot what she did to me, but in that moment I think I didn't answer the phone for her for like an hour because I was offended and she knew it. Once the hour passed I called her. I said hey, you know I was mad at you, right? She was like I knew you was, but what I did and I told her we addressed it. We both apologized. I ain't got time for it. I love everybody. I have a relationship with people who desire to have a relationship with me, and that's just how we move, that's just how we move.

SYLVESTER:

You know what it is.

JASMEKA:

I changed it because we're moving.

SYLVESTER:

Oh, you're moving, you got to just jump in. Yeah, yeah, that's how it is.

JASMEKA:

When the in-laws call me, he's like nah, babe, but it's grow and I'm like it's move, we like that's just how we move. You know what it is? What it is, but we out y'all. Love everybody Build with who desire to build with you, and let go of these false expectations. They are humans. Your family got the same drama your in-laws got, so stop trying to act like you married into perfection and you finna. Build a better empire Right. Same demons exist in us all.

SYLVESTER:

Exactly, let's work them out.

JASMEKA:

We out.

SYLVESTER:

Peace. Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life.