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KEEPING ROMANCE ALIVE: The Secrets to Nurturing Long-Lasting Love

• Sylvester & Jasmeka Wilson • Season 1 • Episode 23

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Can romance truly survive the test of time? On this episode of the Relationships 101 Podcast, Sylvester and JasMeka confront the myth of everlasting butterflies and offer real-life solutions to keep love alive. They share personal anecdotes that highlight the tension between a partner who thrives on creativity and one who finds comfort in routine. From writing heartfelt love letters to understanding your partner's unique needs, discover the secrets to re-igniting that initial spark.

Discover how to transition from the dopamine-filled early stages of love to a deeper, more meaningful connection. We discuss practical strategies like showing physical affection, being a source of joy for one another, and continuously motivating your partner. Learn why evaluating long-term compatibility and seeking guidance are crucial for a committed relationship. Sylvester and JasMeka emphasize that love isn't just a feeling but a continuous effort requiring creativity, patience, and dedication.

Physical touch—the unsung hero of romance—takes center stage in this enlightening episode. Hear stories about how it releases oxytocin, reduces stress, and strengthens bonds. Daily check-ins and open communication are likened to essential business practices, underscoring their importance in relationship maintenance. Whether you're managing everyday tasks together or rekindling your connection, the key takeaway is to be real, raw, and relentlessly dedicated to nurturing your love. Join us for an episode filled with practical advice and heartfelt insights aimed at helping newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds thrive.

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SYLVESTER:

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I'm your host, sylvester Wilson. This is Relationships 101 Podcast your introduction to a healthy committed relationship Messed that up a little bit at the beginning, but we're going to keep it moving.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, I'm your co-host, Chasmka Wilson.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, you are. You is what's that shirt you got on right now?

JASMEKA:

I married my best friend.

SYLVESTER:

Oh, did you Married him? Yes, oh yes, lord, yes, lord.

JASMEKA:

In my pocketbook.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, and I married my business partner.

JASMEKA:

Let it go.

SYLVESTER:

Married my business, let's go.

JASMEKA:

Let's go.

SYLVESTER:

Because we're building right Building. We ain't just you know what I'm saying getting together just to take IG pictures. Right, we're building something. You know what I'm saying Ouch Right, I'm just saying If it got to mean something, it got to mean something.

JASMEKA:

It shouldn't be easy to just let it go. Speaking of letting go, let's talk about these butterfly feelings that, uh, people need to stop chasing, because that thing I mean, we all go through that period of time where we chasing butterflies, but it comes up.

SYLVESTER:

It comes a point when, uh, it get tiring them, butterflies, don't be flying some no, they fly they fly a little bit too far away and it's hard to catch them. It's hard to rekindle them things, and catch them again and keep that feeling, that in-love feeling, that romance cooking. It's hard to keep it, so you're either going to have to get you a bigger net to catch them or run faster. So what we talk about today is just rekindling, keeping that romance alive.

JASMEKA:

Keeping it alive.

SYLVESTER:

Keeping it alive, and we learned that it takes a lot of creativity to do that.

JASMEKA:

And I think this topic is important because a lot of people they leave relationships because they don't feel that feeling, feeling like they want this feeling of being in love and in bliss and on cloud nines, and it's like it ain't always there. It's not a daily feeling like you gotta call that thing in sometimes like hey, who feeling where you at, love where you at? But let's point out, let's, let's, let's just first acknowledge that the butterfly feeling is in the beginning stages of a relationship?

JASMEKA:

oh yeah, definitely because over time we're comfortable with each other. Now we know each other we in a groove, we in a system and it's not that much surprising, or? Yeah so it's like we're comfortable.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah, it becomes a little bit more routine.

JASMEKA:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SYLVESTER:

And for people like me, who happen to be of the spontaneous brain type, who happen to be a little bit more, you know, anti routine. I was challenged with being creative, using my creative juices to cook up what I felt like I was missing and that romance, what we felt like we was missing when things started to feel mundane and routine. You know, people like me, we tend to get bored and it's like well, you married now, so that's your responsibility to keep that thing cooking, to make it not boring for yourself.

JASMEKA:

Right, what do you do? Right, right, right. And just to point out how we're the complete opposite. You're saying you like the creativity or you'll get bored. I like the stability or I'll get worried. So having a system that looks the same every day is totally okay with me and it's love. But if stuff starts looking like, oh, we're doing this today, oh, we're not doing that today, it's kind of the opposite of what you're saying.

SYLVESTER:

And so let me ask you, how does that equate to having that type of personality type or brain type? How does that equate to romance, to like I was saying, like I will get bored and then need to create? Create something something with you being somebody who craves more so the routine and the stability of what we've been doing. How does that actually work with you when it comes to romance?

JASMEKA:

I just need a system like. I'm not saying it gotta look the same or be the same, but it just needs to be orderly, like it needs to be order with how you show me love like I don't know.

SYLVESTER:

It's just that's, that's something yeah that's that's. Stick a a fork in that one, in a thumbtack or something.

JASMEKA:

Order.

SYLVESTER:

I need order, Order, you need order, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't even know how to see, I can't even equate what that even means with romance. You know what I'm saying? Order, Because to me it's just soundboard. So I got to cook up something. I can remember one time where I said you know what, Let me make, let me just do something different. So what I figured I was going to do is I said you know, we've gotten so far away from this. Probably was like 2000,. We probably was married like five years or something like that. And I said let me, we've gotten so far away from writing letters and things like that. You know what I'm saying? The digital era.

JASMEKA:

Love notes.

SYLVESTER:

We're in the digital era, so you know I'm like, okay, that's different now, Right, so going back to love notes.

JASMEKA:

Right.

SYLVESTER:

Or love letters. Actually, I went ahead and wrote a letter. I said let me write a letter to her as if I'm somebody who she knows from her past, right, kind of like the version of me before we got married. Sorry, you know, let me just write a letter as if I'm the me before we got married and I'm the me who she kind of left behind. And then she got married to the future me, like at the time was the present me, and then she got married to the future me, like at the time was the present me, right, um, and you know, before we got married you know we, we did some slide and uh, so the letter was about you know.

SYLVESTER:

So let's hook up. Let's hook up and, um, I know you're married, I respect that, but let's hook up. Let me take you out. You know what I'm saying and uh, you know, we could reminisce a little bit and such and such Same thing, probably that you know a dude off the job probably be trying to throw at her. You know what I'm saying. So that was me. I just put it in a letter form and I decided to write it, put it in an envelope address and actually mail it back to the crib.

JASMEKA:

He had the mailman mad at me. Let me just I just got to interject on his story because it was so cute, so thoughtful. He didn't put his name, he just put your lover or something like that. So we had the same mailman, right, that came every day. So he know there's a wife, a husband and some little kids, so he'll drop it off. And he know I'm the one picking up the mail out of the mailbox because I wasn't working at the time. So one day One day.

JASMEKA:

One day we go outside for a walk, the mailman see him. He look at him and just shake his head and I'm like man, this man probably thinking I'm getting letters from prison. He don't see none of it. But I'm feeling it because we sending letters back and forth, like I mail something to the house for him and then it'll be. You know, it just look like well, who's sending her love letters while her husband at the job so for me it was like he was trying to rekindle that fire.

JASMEKA:

But again back to that persistent brain type. It was a little. It was different, so it was a little shaky for me. I'm like oh my gosh, the postal worker think I'm getting mail from somebody in jail, or so. It was cute, but I had to adjust, so order.

SYLVESTER:

Okay, back to order for me, right. Right, that's spontaneous Kind of, was a little risky for you. Yeah, amen, yeah.

JASMEKA:

But yeah, it was so cute, it was thoughtful. Every time I received those letters it was just like it gave me that feeling like, oh my gosh, this is so cute, like what you like to eat now, what you doing, what you been up to, what's your favorite meal. And I was just reading it like, okay, this is somebody that's interested in me. And it was just cute because, once you've been married for so many years, yeah, you're interested in me. But remind me that you're interested in me.

SYLVESTER:

Tell me you're interested in me.

JASMEKA:

Tell me I look good, like reassure me. So those letters were doing just that.

SYLVESTER:

I'm sorry I cut you off in the story I just thought about like all I could picture was that man like no, because you know what's crazy, is we not? I'm happy to hear that, because we never really formally had the conversation afterwards about how it made me feel it made you feel, whatever Right, I just did it and we just played along with it. But yeah, I definitely put things.

JASMEKA:

How did we stop doing that?

SYLVESTER:

I don't remember, but I know you just reminded me how I definitely put things in there Stamps got too expensive for you.

SYLVESTER:

Not at all, not at all, not at all, not at all. Um, I remember putting things in there now about, like I said, like I'm a dude from your past and I'm asking you like, oh, I remember you used to like, uh, um, chicken tender and fries. That's still you know what I'm saying your go-to like what, what I'm ordering, what am I ordering for you? Now you know what I'm saying, saying when we go out, so yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fellas, you know look.

JASMEKA:

Okay, one, two you help the fellas out. Send your girl a love note.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah. How to note a letter.

JASMEKA:

A letter. Hopefully the postal worker don't judge her because, baby, I was judged. If he could have sent me to hell with the knotting of his hair the um man. He sent me to hell without sending me to hell he just knew he just knew this good dude man.

SYLVESTER:

He always do it to the good with him, man. I see him walking around the block with her everyday spending time.

JASMEKA:

I used to come early too, like I think I used to come 11 before I came from our Mel used to come 11, 10, 30. It was before he came from work all the times and just so happy he had a late day with dropping off Mel and he just did it to us. He did it to us. But that was cute and that was thoughtful and the purpose of that is we.

SYLVESTER:

We work daily to try to recreate the feelings that we bring to each other yeah, because the thing about it is like I think I said this on the last episode like don't ask for somebody, don't ask the other person. You can't ask the other person rightfully or respectfully for something that you can't give yourself and and and and.

SYLVESTER:

When I say that you can't give yourself. And when I say that you can't give yourself, I'm a wordsmith, so I actually mean don't ask them for something that you can't give your own self, like you don't even have it for you. So how are you going to ask me for it, and don't ask them for something that you can't, in return, give them? And so that's all that was like it was an attempt to give myself something that I felt like was missing right, we had to chase them butterflies, because they they weren't flying, they weren't there and let's just point out that in the early part, of a relationship, higher dopamine levels are released, so that's in the initial phase of it.

JASMEKA:

At some point y'all gonna have to become each other dopamine like be the dopamine, because my body ain't releasing it. Touch on me, love on me, encourage me, strengthen me, motivate me. Like be be the all right.

SYLVESTER:

So what you're saying, like though I'm trying not to say be the dope that early you gotta be, you better be the dope, be the In those early stages of relationship, in the butterfly stage. That's where that what do you call it? Dopamine, that dopamine High levels are released.

JASMEKA:

Okay, okay and that's why and this is for my ones that's listening, that's you know you're not married yet but you're in a committed relationship. Let's check in on that Seek and get some counsel to just make sure that it's not just those butterflies sending those messages or your dopamine level got you deeply in love. But that ain't it. It ain't it. It's just natural it's going to release. But is this who I'm supposed to be with?

JASMEKA:

Is this who I'm supposed to be connected to. Don't just be making long-term commitments off of temporary feelings, because we're telling y'all those butterflies stop flying.

SYLVESTER:

Them flutters, go away.

JASMEKA:

Go away.

SYLVESTER:

They fly deep off into the darkness where you don't know what's back there. You gotta either run real fast to keep up with them or be creative you know what I'm saying?

JASMEKA:

build a bigger net.

SYLVESTER:

You got to be creative. Build something that actually draw them to you instead of you chasing them. Um, be creative man, uh what? What are some other things, uh, that you can do to be creative? I mean, you know your person, so do that For those who are not actually in committed relationships yet, or actually not married yet. Think ahead Like. This is a part of the job. You know what I'm saying. This is a part of the job. You've got to be able to get goofy to sustain the magic for lack of a better word inside of your relationship.

JASMEKA:

I just want to thank you for not jumping off the boat when you wasn't feeling those butterflies, because some people I'm not going to say some men, some people, I'm not gonna say some men, some people they chase that feeling. So it's like you you judge the drug user, but love is your drug too, because you chasing that butterfly feeling right so it's like you, too, got us the same problem as somebody that's using drugs.

JASMEKA:

So I want to publicly thank you for not jumping off the boat when we didn't have those feelings. It's seasons. Sometimes we'll feel it, we'll be deeply in love. Sometimes it's like I love them. Lord knows, I love them. I don't see my life without them and I don't see them with nobody else. But I'm just not. I ain't feeling my life without them and I don't see them with nobody else, but I'm just not. I ain't feeling this butterfly, butterfly feeling, but you never, you never let that feeling affect you. Since you want to call it a butterfly fact, you never left when you didn't feel those feelings. I understood.

SYLVESTER:

I understood the work. You're welcome, baby. I understood the work that goes into it. I mean it's the work. And're welcome, baby. I understood the work that goes into it. I mean it's the work and we can't run away from that. Anything that you start and you want to To succeed in, or you want it to work, there is a process and that process Is going to take time and you got to give it Time enough. Like if you're in the Dating phase right now. Give that thing Time enough. Like if you're in the dating phase right now.

SYLVESTER:

Give that thing time enough for them butterflies to, to fly off To see, you know what I'm saying, so that you can see what it's really like To be with this person Without all of the magic and then make a decision Like you don't want to make a long term decision Off of short term feelings.

JASMEKA:

Unless God Tell you, when you're feeling those feelings, just the one, it's ordained, it's promised, because we kind of was. We kind of was short, kind of was. We kind of was a little short before when we said I do, but that's because we got confirmation back to what we said earlier, like when you, feeling those, ask somebody in the equation to make sure that this what it's supposed to be and not just my feelings. But I agree, like if you in that stage don't rush out and say I do, just because you feeling those feelings in that moment, unless it's God ordained and the feelings just go with it, that's even better right, so what are some other things that have to do with uh, uh, just increasing that feeling like?

JASMEKA:

what else? You know, we love some dates okay you. You know we're to go on a date.

SYLVESTER:

And we are.

JASMEKA:

We're going to touch each other.

SYLVESTER:

What's released when touch Physical touch Oxytocin.

JASMEKA:

That's the love hormone.

SYLVESTER:

So when I touch on you, love can be released Right when you touch on me, not right here Love is released, but yeah, it also when you touch on me. Touch on me, ooh.

JASMEKA:

Now, right here. Now, right here, love is released. But yeah, and it also lowers your cortisol, your cortisol level. Okay, stress level Okay, okay so when you stress, get that back rub.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah.

JASMEKA:

Encourage them.

SYLVESTER:

Thank you, thank you, let's know that. Let's know that. Let's know, you know that you, let's know that. Let's know that, let's know, you know that's important to know, because just knowing what that partner actually brings to you and the same, this ain't nothing special about the partner. It's just it's somebody you want to be with, it's somebody, it's the person that you're with, that their touch makes a difference. All right, that person may be stressed, that person may be shoot me personally, like you'll tell you, like I have to touch her somewhere in the bed. I got to put something on her hand.

JASMEKA:

Don't let me be out of town.

SYLVESTER:

I don't care what I got to do. I got to put something on her elbow or toe and it instantly Put them to sleep. It makes me relax and I'm good. But without it I have to, I'm struggling, Struggling that first night. If she go out of town, that first night it's bad. I know I'm not sleeping, it's going to be bad Hour, maybe two I'm sleeping. Other than that it's bad and as the days go on it'll get better. But that first night, no, but that cortisone level, that physical touch that decreases cortisone level is, is a very good piece of information to know the effects and this is how we help each other. This is why two is better than one. You you know what I'm saying. It works.

JASMEKA:

Absolutely. And I want to add on check-in daily, like do those check-ins? I think as the relationship progress and it just keep going, it become routine that we don't do those. How you doing Good morning, beautiful. Talking on the phone it's just like, oh, he'll be home at five o'clock and y'all don't speak till he come in the house, or some of y'all don't even speak at all. So I would say, um, do those check-ins. Any relationship requires, um, it requires the check-ins. Like you do it with your friends, hey, what you doing, what's up? Just checking on.

JASMEKA:

You do it to your spouse right when you go clocking those people jobs and you're speaking to your co-workers and you're greeting and you're checking on these relationships and doing what you gotta do.

SYLVESTER:

And, just like you know, we like to compare marriage to business and, oh hints, and, just like a business, businesses do surveys with their employees to check the temperature of the workforce. They take suggestions as to what y'all think we should be changing or what's working, what's not working. These are fundamental things that help in business and in relationships. So got to check in, got to check the temperature, fundamental things that help in business and in relationships.

JASMEKA:

So gotta check in, Gotta check the tips. We used to do surveys we need to get back into that bae Remember we used to do those surveys Like how much do your partner does this, how frequently does he do this? And then those scores would come back and we'd be like ooh out.

SYLVESTER:

It lets you know how much you've actually been paying attention and present with that person or in the relationship.

JASMEKA:

And then we used to assume that we were satisfied on a scale of 1 to 10. How satisfied are you with me? And that spouse may say a 6 and you're like a 6, how can I get to an 8? Or you may think you was at a 10 all that time and in his heart you had a 6.

SYLVESTER:

Or you may get offended which at a 10 all that time, and in his heart you at a 6. Right, or you may get offended, which is the wrong thing to do. The wrong thing Because this information is to help you, so I just thought I'd throw that bone in there. Yeah, Because some of us we wear our heart on our sleeve. It'll be the wrong time to pull that out.

JASMEKA:

Got to get healing.

SYLVESTER:

Got to. Got to get healing healing effect so gotta keep it, keep it going and rekindle it let me just point out something y'all.

JASMEKA:

This ain't got nothing to do with today's episode, but we are real, raw and human. So I'm cooking my chicken for dinner, right, right, baking my chicken. We cut the AC off when we record, right, so the sound. We want y'all to hear us clearly. Your girl is sweating Hands, arms, back, everything. But we gonna get through this episode as my, our chicken cook. Like. We gonna get through. We love y'all. Like, for real. For real. We are here for y'all. Don't forget to share what we are doing. Hit the subscribe button, chime in when we're doing these episodes. If there's a topic you want to hear, like. We have one of our supporters that sent us something that was like can y'all please do an episode responding to this? We're open to that. Send us what y'all want to hear us say. Right now we have a commitment of showing up and being faithful before we bring in other guests.

SYLVESTER:

So just grow with us, get through with us and yeah, like, yeah I just, I just had to point out your girl is hot and if you have any, if there's any you know, for the seasoned couples out there who's been in it for a while past the five-year mark. What do we call that mark? Again, I want to say startup phase, but that's business, it's the newlywed stage. It's the newlywed stage, so anybody that's past that mark you know if you got any tips, anything that you've done to keep the romance going in your relationship go ahead and drop that thing down there.

SYLVESTER:

Share it, man. We definitely going to read it.

JASMEKA:

We definitely going to read it, whether it's the notes in the lunchbox the random texts, the pictures. I can't do that much, no more, because my kids just pick up the phone and we really can't do that one. But hey, maybe there's some couples got infants, or you got kids that don't touch your phone and you can do it right but the random pictures, the walks, the just get creative instead of trying to step out to chase butterflies from somebody else to chase.

SYLVESTER:

Uh, butterflies, that's emphasis on the b-u-t-t. Earth flies.

JASMEKA:

Okay, let's go so they not chasing the love, they chasing the butt.

SYLVESTER:

Or flies, or flies. What are you chasing the butt? Or flies Anyway.

JASMEKA:

The butt, or flies, flies. They be flies y'all Destruction distractions. Knock them out. The way distractions create them.

SYLVESTER:

Things inside your home exactly what is it worth to you? Again, what does it work to you? Um, and it ain't just for the men to to be trying to create this. Uh, the women too. Women too, you know what your, what your, um, what your person responds to. And even if you don't know, like when I did that, it wasn't something like I said that I felt like she would respond to. It wasn't something like I said that I felt like she would respond to. It was just me taking a shot at it, because I know it was something that I needed inside of the relationship. Um, thank god that she responded to it in a healthy way, um, but it was something I needed.

SYLVESTER:

So it's like, if it's something that you need, be the first one to put that in in the relationship absolutely not just sit there crying about it and asking somebody else to do it, when they may not have a clue what you're actually missing, but you do.

JASMEKA:

I'm going to say it. I'm going to just say it, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I hope I don't offend nobody. If I do. I pray you find peace in it. But I think we're called Relationships 101, coming for the foundational couples, because you got couples that are setting their ways and the stuff we're saying.

JASMEKA:

They don't want it, they ain't going to do, they ain't going to try. Their hearts are so hardened in a certain stage oh, we've been married 30 years, it ain't going to change, it ain't going to try, okay. So it's like their hearts are so hardened in a certain stage oh, we've been married 30 years, it ain't going to change, it ain't going to work. Well, you got what we at the lower stage for the people that wanted to work the earlier stage, right yeah.

JASMEKA:

So if you are in a long-term relationship and you've been there for a while, I pray your heart, your spouse heart, be softened to receive what we are saying. Because we are saying some stuff that's going to come against how it's been going, Like what do you mean send a letter? What do you mean go on dates? What do you mean touch her?

SYLVESTER:

That's what we mean. Guess what too, though If it's that hard for somebody to understand what's going on here, then it just may not be for you, it's not for them.

JASMEKA:

But you got the listeners, you got one spouse, let's say you got the wife listening to this and she's just like, oh my gosh, I want this so bad, but she got the other spouse. Then how do we bridge that? That's the consultation services, and hopefully something happened or it ain't even got to be through us. Go get therapy for that relationship. Go bring in a pastor, a therapist, a coach, a family member, somebody, yeah, to make it work.

SYLVESTER:

Yeah.

JASMEKA:

Because God, he called us to live life more abundantly. And that's just our motto in this marriage. We're going to be happy, we're going to be healthy, we're going to be whole, we're going to thrive, we're going to like. That's what we after, no matter what it takes. If it takes us going on a date every week to make sure I like you this week, that's what we're going to do.

SYLVESTER:

Exactly do like, but no, it's nice, nice, good work. Good work that was. But so, like I said, what? What are y'all doing to make sure that the flame is still burning? What you doing, all right, and if nobody's doing anything, let's get to it, because that's your job. You know what I'm?

JASMEKA:

saying let's work, that's your job, let's work.

SYLVESTER:

Let's work.

JASMEKA:

Mm-hmm, let's work.

SYLVESTER:

You mean like less work, like L-E-S-S.

JASMEKA:

No, l-e-t-s. Let's work Telling them, let's work Like it's marriage work. But it requires work, right, oh, okay.

JASMEKA:

Let's work, definitely Right now. We got butterflies. I appreciate that. We in a season of butterflies, y'all we are in a bliss, like we touchy-touchy, filly-filly, like we are in a season of butterflies and don't know how long it's going to last, but we going to work at it every day. And when it's not there, we going to respect each other and do whatever we need to do to pull it back in. But we in that season Don't give up, y'all. Don't give up Because we're in that season. We out of here.

SYLVESTER:

Peace. Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Thank you, thank you.