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NOTHING BETWEEN US PT 2

• Sylvester & Jasmeka Wilson • Season 1 • Episode 17

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Is your relationship being secretly sabotaged from within? On this episode of Relationships 101 Podcast, we address the internal factors that can threaten the health of your partnership. Discover how jealousy and insecurity can manifest in various destructive ways, from competitiveness to taunting each other's successes. We'll guide you on the journey of self-awareness and personal growth, underscoring the importance of self-love and a secure identity in fostering a balanced and loving relationship.

We then tackle the delicate topic of sharing personal histories in committed relationships. While transparency builds stronger connections, wisdom is key when deciding what to share and when. Paralleled with the black community's tendency to keep skeletons in the closet, we emphasize the value of communicating past traumas without allowing them to shape current relationships. Learn how to foster a supportive environment where healing and forward movement take precedence over lingering past wounds.

Lastly, we delve into the complexities of sexual satisfaction and personal growth within relationships. Addressing issues like sex addiction, the impact of early exposure to pornography, and the necessity of seeking therapy, we highlight the importance of mutual respect and understanding. Communication is the cornerstone of navigating these challenges together. Join us to explore these vital aspects, ensuring that your relationship thrives through effort, empathy, and evolving together.

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Sylvester:

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Relationships 101 podcast, your introduction to a committed relationship. I'm your host, Sylvester Wilson.

JasMeka:

And I'm your co-host, JasMeka Wilson. Yes, baby, let's get into it.

Sylvester:

Now, last episode we talked about some things that could potentially get in the way, get in between you and your companion, you and your partner, right? We ran through that. That was a good episode. We decided to do a series, kind of spend a little bit more time on those things that could get in the way. First on the agenda, first things that can get in the way. Um, first on the agenda, first of what can get in the way, is you, you, you, you, us right?

JasMeka:

because before we can look outside and deal with those things that are external to our relationships, we got to deal with what's in it absolutely right, we got to deal with the two people who actually created it and one of our favorite line is how you want me to like you if you don't even like you? How do you expect your spouse to love you when you don't even love you? So that's why we thought we should stop here. So today we'll be talking about stuff that go on internally, that gets in the way of our union, and we got jealousy on the list.

Sylvester:

Jealousy.

JasMeka:

That's you. Insecurity on the list. Jealousy, that's you. Insecurity on the list, insecurity. Past trauma on the list. Selfishness on the list. Greed on the list Not growing, just staying dead, staying the same.

Sylvester:

Wow.

JasMeka:

And, of course, those vices that we have. Whatever your vice, your vice may be it could be gambling, drinking, smoking, sex, pornography, whatever your vices are we coming for those things today?

Sylvester:

okay when you say not growing, that's like what? Like personal growth areas yeah, your personal growth okay, okay spiritual growth yeah, yeah, so let's get into it. Um, I think that we can deal with jealousy. Right, we could talk about that, because jealousy actually does exist in relationships.

JasMeka:

In different ways too.

Sylvester:

Yeah, yeah. What are some ways you?

JasMeka:

Jealous of your partner.

Sylvester:

Okay.

JasMeka:

Jealous of the relationship they have with other people.

Sylvester:

I see you talk to that.

JasMeka:

That kind of go with insecurity there. Oh yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah. Are you always in their face? You talk to them that?

Sylvester:

that kind of go with insecurity there. Oh yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, are you always in their face? Um, jealousy can also take a different form, right, in a more competitive way, um, when it's jealousy towards your partner why do you feel like that exists?

Sylvester:

I don't know, man. I mean, that's definitely insecurity too, because if you step into this relationship with that type of insecurity, right then it's going to show up Like what's in you is going to come out of you at some point. And if you got an insecure person who's connected to somebody who is more secure, or some people just bless you know what I'm saying and instead of seeing it to where you're connected now, to that, blessing some people because of you, know the issues that they have not dealt with within themselves, right, the insecurity they tend to to not see each other on the same team.

JasMeka:

I was gonna say because isn't it? If you win, I win, we win that's how it's supposed to be but I know we, coming for the people that we're saying, got that jealous spirit like you. Just you, just jealous, you're envious. What about the partner that's making that person resent their blessing because they just throw it in their face Like so, it's not, I'm jealous of what you acquired. You make me feel a way like you're greater than me. Like how do you feel about that?

Sylvester:

I don't know, because if you got a person who just go out their way to just throw stuff in your face, then that's insecurity.

JasMeka:

There you go, there you go. I wanted to call them out too.

Sylvester:

Okay, because, just because that one blessed.

JasMeka:

That don't mean that partner is jealous of their blessing. Sometimes that insecure person use their blessings to haunt or taunt that individual.

Sylvester:

Yeah, yeah, that could be. So I don't want to excuse nobody's feelings. Don't hold back. That do exist. We are being delivered. That do exist. However, just like we teach our kids, it ain't what somebody else do is how you respond to it. Right, you can only deal with what you have power over, which is yourself and how you respond. So if you have a person that's doing something like that and then, in turn, in response to that, you become insecure about yourself, then that means, from the beginning, you were never secure with yourself. You can't, you're not going to take a secure person right and then have another person just taunting them about how they're blessed and how, how they good at, whatever lane they good in, and have this secure person feel insecure about themselves. Because if you're a secure person, you're just not. You're just not of anything. You're gonna high five them and you're gonna be congratulating them. Well, good, that's good.

JasMeka:

Keep up, keep up the good work. Absolutely. That's for the secure people.

Sylvester:

That's for the secure people.

JasMeka:

What if that person, they can be secure and rooted in themselves? But what if opportunities just can't come at the level of that? Their spouse or their significant other is getting it because of a background, because of this, that spouse shouldn't be throwing it in their face. Knowing that this person is limited, whether it's health, whether it's criminal background, whatever it may be like, I just feel like the person throwing it in their face. They gotta be delivered no, definitely stop teasing people.

JasMeka:

But I agree, a secure person would definitely um take it as a. You got this, let's go. Let's level it up.

Sylvester:

Exactly, and a secure person would more so be. I don't know. It's just kind of hard. If the person is secure in themselves, it's going to be hard to get them out of that. That's who they are at this point, and, like you said, a wise woman once told me that.

JasMeka:

What she told you.

Sylvester:

Unless you're healed from it or delivered from it, you can't talk about it. So some people can't even give a testimony or talk about how they was delivered from something. Some people can't even tell you where they came from, because they still got one foot in it or they still feel some type of weight from that thing, like they still in that thing. So if you're secure in yourself and you're delivered from insecurity like that's just it, you know what I'm saying. That means that your responses are going to come from a secure place, absolutely. And if you have somebody like who taunts and who does, you're insecure. And if that person responds to you in an insecure way because of doing that, then they're insecure too. And you got two insecure people. You can definitely.

Sylvester:

We got a lot of of um, broken people, right, we got a lot of broken people, broken pieces that come together thinking that we can just form one. It ain't 50, 50, it's 100, 100, it's you, be you, you. You become whole and I become whole, and now we're more of a force, not 50. 50 not my, not my. Better half not. You know what I'm saying.

JasMeka:

I got one more for the people. It's heavy on me too.

Sylvester:

Heavy.

JasMeka:

Yes, a jealous person despising another couple, and now you putting the stress on your spouse to be what you see on the outside. So we got to fix that jealousy too, like don't be putting the stress or the expectations because you see another couple doing it in your relationship. That's jealousy. You're jealous of that couple you can admire. But it's definitely a thin line, we believe, between admiration and jealousy. It'll get to a point where you like it's a deadline, oh Between, okay, but yeah, that can get in the way of it too. Jealous of another couple, and now y'all beefing because you jealous.

Sylvester:

And now.

JasMeka:

That spirit is deadly.

Sylvester:

Yeah, and now you're using something that's on the outside to ruin something that you have inside, like you said, something external, you allowing it to come in y'all relationship and ruin things and stir it up and make conflict Right, when, baby, they ain't got nothing to do with you.

JasMeka:

Nothing to do. That's their story. I don't want nobody else's story. You hear me, Because I don't know what happened.

Sylvester:

When the door is closed. So I don't even want the story. Hey, listen, I don't want nobody else's story Because get what I don't want nobody else's glory, amen. So Next on the list what we going at Past trauma.

JasMeka:

I was going to say let's talk about trauma, because you kind of opened that door when you said if you can't heal from it, if you can't talk about it, you ain't heal from it.

Sylvester:

Right.

JasMeka:

So past trauma. I feel that it's important for the person you're in a committed relationship with to know you Like. Here's my about me. But I think they got to trust that person before they lay it all out. I was this, I was that. I was this. I was wounded, I was broken. I was this. I stayed with this person. I was touched by that person. I just think that about me would kind of help and don't be using people about me to destroy them later. If they confide in you to tell you what they're currently struggling with, don't come back to them. That's why you was touched by granddaddy suit like don't, granddad can't be a suit of granddaddy.

JasMeka:

Maybe it was granddaddy suit but, yeah my point is don't use people past trauma to hunt against them right they're already hunts. Uh yeah, without saying I don't need your reminder that I was this and I was that, yeah that's.

Sylvester:

That's that's actually could be used. I like that about me because every company, uh, you go to, you go to their website if you plan on doing business with them um, even on social media nowadays. You got the bio right. That's basically a little smaller piece like about me and it kind of lets you know a little bit about the company or the person that you potentially, you know that you're going to potentially do business with or do some type of exchange with, to see if you actually align right and agree with their core values or principles or what they're about. You know what I'm saying, so I like that About me.

JasMeka:

About me.

Sylvester:

So go ahead and don't be scared to share your about me, because I can say I can only all right, so I can say this about community, right, about the community I'm from, and I can only talk about the black community because that's your experience. I'm only black, so got a little brownie. You know what I'm saying. But yeah and hey, it may be true for some other communities and some other cultures, I don't know right, but from the black community I know that we tend to have, we tend to have this tradition of keeping skeletons in the closet. You know what I'm saying, of hiding our skeletons and hiding the past trauma that we've been through, whether it was abortions, whether it was molestation, whether it was.

Sylvester:

We tend to tuck these things away. We don't share it with our, with the. We don't share it with our companion right that we call ourselves one to love for the rest of our life and spend life with. We don't share it with our children, right, to try to make sure that at least they got a roadmap. You know, they can put that in their roadmap of things to watch out for, right, um, and it could definitely come back to haunt us if we continue that. So I just want to bring that up to say man, we got to change that. That, about me, is very, very important.

JasMeka:

I think people have to trust their um, the person they're with, to share that about me, because it's intimate, it's dear, some of it is embarrassing and it takes a different level of commitment to share those things. Don't be out here just sharing y'all about me with anybody. We are not telling that. No, it's levels, discern, baby, it's levels to everything.

Sylvester:

Discern it's levels to everything.

JasMeka:

discern it's levels to everything you met him yesterday and you telling him you're about me. A week later he gonna use your about me to win your heart over and then you're gonna learn who he is. And that's just my analogy. But you better discern when and who you share that about me with but then?

Sylvester:

but then there's also another level to it. It's how much? Because somebody definitely needs to know, especially in a dating stage. They need to know. You're about me, you ain't got to disclose. Use some wisdom. You ain't got to disclose so much. You feel what I'm saying. So we talking about levels here, but they definitely should know what they're getting into and you should know as well. You should be able to give what you expect to receive and don't close up because what you expect to receive.

JasMeka:

Speaking on the past traumas, I think we need to be sure that we don't let our past experiences come in between what we currently got going. Because that nigga was a cheater, you felt like this dude gonna cheat on you. Because your mama was a whore, you feel like this woman or these women they just whores like that's trauma you gotta heal from and be delivered from, and don't make that person be confided or living in box of your past experiences. That's not fair. I'm not your mom or and I'm not talking about you I love my mama, kale lover, but I'm not your mom, I'm not your ex and I had to learn that coming into this relationship. Because at first um, just to share a little bit, I come from I came relationship where, okay, we're going to talk and sometimes we may get physical. So when I first came in, I thought we get violent. I thought, okay, we're going to yell at each other, we're going to scream at each other. Oh, you don't yell, you don't scream. So I had to work through that. That was an internal work and change because that wasn't working in this relationship. We wasn't getting in this relationship we wasn't getting no well with yelling. I couldn't just slam a door or try to push him like no, I had to be delivered if I wanted that to work in this relationship.

JasMeka:

So yeah, hear from those past traumas, man, it don't it. Listen, nobody's perfect. We all got a history. We all got something to be delivered and set free from. Don't be embarrassed. That was the past you. If I look at the eight-year-old jazz now Perfect, we all got a history. We all got something to be delivered and set free from. Don't be embarrassed. That was the past you. If I look at the eight year old jazz now, I'd probably be like what the heck Girl? What were you doing? Grace yourself, apply grace, apply grace, definitely.

Sylvester:

I see past trauma, like you know, like like like wounds. You know, like like like wounds. Right, these are old wounds, these are things that we uh experienced in our past. That that is that has hurt us, and now we walking around still with that, that pain. It's a wound that ain't quite healed. You know what I'm saying. So it's like a scab, and what happens is if you brush up against that scab a little bit, too too hard, then you probably rip some of that skin off and it's going to bleed again.

Sylvester:

So those could be triggers. Those could be something that the person, your companion maybe, might say, or how they might respond, or something they might do that could brush up against it and trigger it all over again and cause that same pain to hurt all over again. But if they don't even know that it's there you know what I'm saying Then how do they know not to brush up against it? I think that's a conversation that definitely needs to be had and not just saying, okay, I got this wound, I got this cell right here, now please don't brush up against it. But Actually, I mean, give as much information as you can. If you could tell them, you know how you would rather them respond Right or how you would.

Sylvester:

Don't just tell them what you don't want, because sometimes that's not enough information if you learn how to love you the right way, then you can show me how to love you the right way. But if you don't know, you can't hold me to knowing Absolutely. So, yeah, yeah, let's talk about it. Let's definitely be open and vulnerable about our past traumas and our past experiences.

JasMeka:

Communicate those triggers. Hey, when you did this, that thing kind of like don't do that, don't, please don't do that.

Sylvester:

Right, make me want to run exactly I was in a past relationship. That yada, yada, yada, you know. So when you do that, it kind of like take me that ain't all the way healed from that.

JasMeka:

You know what I'm saying, so, and that's good information, that's good intel right there what if they're with somebody that um, just can't, like, they can't comprehend on that level? Like, how do you handle that?

Sylvester:

like they just ain't getting it they ain't getting it like.

JasMeka:

The person is just immature. They're not understanding. How can somebody get through that? I?

Sylvester:

don't know. I mean, I think that's something, that's something, I guess, that you can use to just gauge whether or not this is a good fit for you. You know what I'm saying Because you got A.

JasMeka:

This is what I'm coming with. You knew you just didn't want to say that to me. I don't know. No, you know you're trying not to break people up, man. We want healthy relationships out here this, this.

Sylvester:

This is, um, yeah, yeah, that work, that work, and you can't run from that work, man. Um, that's why you got a lot of people who you're settling. You know what I'm saying. We end up settling for a couple, you know little temporary things, when we definitely can have the whole thing. You know what I'm saying. But we just don't want to do the work, and sometimes that work means being by yourself for a season so that you can get that work done on yourself Right. Being by yourself for a season so that you can get that work done on yourself Right, because the more whole you can show up in a relationship, the more whole the relationship can be. Because, like I said, if you don't know how to love yourself, if you ain't took time out enough to learn how to love yourself and how you should be loved, then how you going to relate that to the next person? I understand. So, yeah, don't rush it. Don't rush it. It's a process.

Sylvester:

Selfishness is a big thing. Selfishness is a big thing. I see a lot of females out here. They want the princess treatment, they want the royal treatment and all that. And ain't nothing wrong with that. You deserve it. I shall teach my daughter. She deserves royal treatment. However, I also get that up when she's not reciprocating that to people who give it to her. And it's the same when we're adults, you've got to reciprocate. Give it to her, and it's the same. When we're adults, you've got to reciprocate. I know you've probably been getting this same treatment and getting your way like that since you was little, but now you've grown and you've got to know how to reciprocate that Because, again, what you put out, that's what you receive. You can't just keep receiving and you're not putting out. We call that robbery.

JasMeka:

I call that ugliness. It's ugly. I cannot stand to see a selfish, entitled person. I avoid them by all means necessary. I don't care who you are, I avoid it. I don't care who you are, I avoid it Like I don't want that, I don't know. It's just like ugh, get away from me. It's nasty, it's ugly, it's disgusting. It's not from God. That entitlement Like why? Why are you that selfish? What are you what? Why, yeah, ugh? What are you what? Why, yeah, ugh, mm-mm, mm-mm. Get somebody else to do it.

Sylvester:

So that's like what we call, like the brat syndrome.

JasMeka:

That's a deal breaker for me.

Sylvester:

You know you kicking and screaming when things don't go your way. It's just always. Again, we talked about this in one of the other episodes about toxic relations, toxic behaviors in relationships. That's a toxic trait. Toxic relations, toxic behaviors in relationship that's a toxic trait. That's when things are only going one person's way in a relationship for most of the time. That's a toxic trait. And what's also toxic is the person in the relationship who enables that. Because just as well as we might have some people that's selfish on one side and they're more of a tanker because that's just what they're used to. It may not even be malicious, like just give me, give me, I wanted my, it's just what they're used to. But then the programming never gets broken up right. They can never be reprogrammed because they, with somebody who is an over giver, they over give. Like they bench great, they real great, but you still just and times when you could have been the receiver, you like nah, because you cool, you're genuinely cool with giving. Giving to this person. I gotta challenge that challenge.

JasMeka:

That though, babe.

Sylvester:

Go ahead.

JasMeka:

The people that just give, give, give, give, give. Why are you giving? You paying for love. You're hoping that these gifts keep this person near.

Sylvester:

What is it?

JasMeka:

What is it? I challenge that Like who okay with just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, giving and not receiving anything with just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving giving, giving and not receiving anything. So I think that person, that is the giver we're coming for you too, hill, what you paying for.

Sylvester:

Hill, because you could be given out of trauma too.

JasMeka:

Yeah, why you afraid they're going to leave. You afraid, like, why are you doing this?

Sylvester:

I challenge those people too, because I love them well, if you don't know how to love yourself the right way, then I can almost guarantee you don't know how to love somebody else the right way. Just because you giving doesn't mean that you love it. So you may just be loving the wrong way. It may be an unhealthy type of love because you're giving out of the wrong place. You're giving out of a place that isn't healed yet, and let's check it. I mean, that's basically what it is. We check ourselves first so that we ain't got to get checked. That's what that work is. That's selfishness.

JasMeka:

That's selfishness. That can look a lot different. For a lot of people it can.

Sylvester:

We got people that's in single relationships and been single for a long time.

JasMeka:

I don't know how to.

Sylvester:

Don't know how to be with somebody Right. Don't know how to be a teammate.

JasMeka:

Don't know how to be single. Did Jesus call you?

Sylvester:

home. I mean, do that, do that Because that's that they just selfish. They just selfish, they just selfish out here. So if that's you, you got to work on that baby, especially if you want, if you want Companionship Companionship Like it ain't just going to happen because you staying the same. It's got to take me the way I am. Well, the way you are, got you where you at right now.

JasMeka:

And if you're single right now, then that means that the way you are needs to change in order to so that you can attract something different to your life maybe they could practice with their friends, like, um, if you're single and you want to try to, or your children, whoever you got, just try to break the selfishness, practicing with co-workers, friends, families, so that when you are in relationship with somebody else it's not as hard, or don't make them run because you've just been by yourself for so many years that you can't break free from this selfishness.

Sylvester:

But what do you mean? Practice Like what is something they can do?

JasMeka:

They can give to spend time with friends. Give to friends, give to family members, donate time, work at the church.

Sylvester:

Okay, so you're saying that they can use the relationships that they have right now? To make sure that they're holding themselves accountable to reciprocating in that giving thing Right, Making sure that you're giving Right You're not receiving more than you're giving, basically Right, You're not receiving more than you're giving. Basically. I personally believe that this is me, though. What makes a good relationship is that you're making sure that you're giving more value giving more value than what you're actually receiving.

JasMeka:

So ain't this a scripture that say, listen I am, listen I'm not. I love the Lord and I read my Bible, but I'm not a pastor or a preacher. But ain't it a scripture that says it's better to give than receive? Yeah, definitely that's a principle. It's a principle.

Sylvester:

That means that if you're not doing that, then you might just be breaking some laws, universal laws.

JasMeka:

Work on that selfishness. Y'all Be delivered. Work on that selfishness y'all be delivered.

Sylvester:

Um, some people out here, some of us, uh, mess up a good thing, because we just workaholics, uh, some of us are workaholics, uh, we can't get enough and so that's what greed comes in. The greed Give me everything that I need. How you gonna deal with that?

JasMeka:

I'm gonna go a little past the greed.

Sylvester:

Uh-huh.

JasMeka:

It's fear. There too, they're afraid of something, whether that's that past trauma. Again they used to light, spin out or moving 12 times. So they feel like I have to stay ahead of the curve and I gotta be a workaholic so that my money don't stop or I you know, I, I don't become a product of my environment. So we got to get to the root of that greed to find out what it really is like, why you can't get enough.

Sylvester:

Why what you're afraid of? And then you got to think about what you may be trading off, because everything is a transaction and you should know that if you're a workaholic and if you still out here trading time for money, so you understand that principle. So therefore, when it comes to your relationship, think about what you might be trading off, what's the transaction you may be trading your relationship for. You know for, for whatever that work is that you're, that you just can't stay away from you picking up ot, even when um just addicted to you know, even when you don't need it, right, you don't need it and and your relationship is starving, but you still feel like you, you just addicted to it. You don't even need it, right, you don't need it, and your relationship is starving, but you still feel like you just got to get more, you just got to grind, you just got to, and it's like, yeah, so what you scared of, like what's really happening? What are you running away from?

JasMeka:

Right, you don't want to be home.

Sylvester:

Right, Like what is it? Let's have a conversation. Let's get at work. Let's have a conversation.

JasMeka:

Got to love at work. Let's talk. What's going on?

Sylvester:

Hey man, we here. It's. Hard, hard conversations.

JasMeka:

And we got, you know, greed. When it comes to sex, Some people are never satisfied.

Sylvester:

Never insatiable appetite.

JasMeka:

Never satisfied.

Sylvester:

Um and it, hey, do you have like a? Are you a sexaholic? I Do you have like. Are you a sexaholic? I mean, this is a thing too. Is that an issue? Then let's get the help, let's do the work.

JasMeka:

There's therapy out there.

Sylvester:

Let's do the work there's therapy out there Definitely got sexaholic.

JasMeka:

For that particular thing. Yeah, maybe you started watching pornography at a young age and you was addicted to it.

Sylvester:

And you opened the door too soon to something and it became a little bit more perverted, a little bit more turned up than what, uh, than what you can manage. And then what happens is that's one of those things that you know like being single. We may, you know, form some habits and have some things going on when we single, but then you get into a relationship and it doesn't fit here, right, um, but then you get into a relationship and it doesn't fit here, Right. You have to become a new person, like a new version of yourself, for in order to be with somebody else and that's one of them, and that's basically all we're talking about Becoming that new version of yourself so that you can have what it is that you claim you want.

JasMeka:

First we've got to acknowledge what the issue is to become a better version of ourselves.

Sylvester:

Yeah.

JasMeka:

Like find you a trusted somebody. We're definitely later going to open up consultation services, but find you a trusted somebody that you could be like. Hey, I got this issue.

Sylvester:

Right.

JasMeka:

Like I'm trying to work through it. I don't desire to do it Like I'm trying like find you an accountability partner or somebody you can be open and honest with, because, yeah, you got to die daily of that Like resist.

Sylvester:

Yeah, resist. And if that's the case, you know you with your lifelong companion, let them know, man, it's not you. If they're really with you, they're going to stick with you through the process, because it's a process, because they want to see you grow too.

JasMeka:

And don't be blaming women on. I cheated because you don't give me sex every night. Listen, I'm a woman. I'm still looking for the woman that can have sex two to three times in one day. That's selfish. Sorry, I had to throw it out there. We are not made to be sex machines to just hunch every second, a minute. You want to do it Like? Control yourself. Like. You have to do it, control yourself. You have to control yourself. Come on.

Sylvester:

But you got some women that like it. Like that too.

JasMeka:

Every day, three times a day. You got some women that like it. I never met a penis that could rise three times a day and go again in the morning, noon and night. That sounds like a discussion.

Sylvester:

People are different. I ain't judging, I'm just saying respect, respect.

Sylvester:

If that's the case, I feel like it's a give and take. I got you fellas. It's a give and take, let's. I can understand you was tired. I can understand Absolutely, but then it need to tilt over here some of them times too, now Not always on that side, it need to tilt my way too, sometimes to where it can happen two, three times. You hear what I'm saying and that's what love is. That's what love is man, that's that life long, that's that commitment we made.

JasMeka:

Listen, get a sex plan that works for you. Everybody's body is different. Everybody's set up different.

Sylvester:

It is.

JasMeka:

All in all, compromise, make it work, figure it out, but stop blaming you stepping outside because the wife ain't want to perform. Last night Women got to shut down.

Sylvester:

We have a period that we have a mistress and if that's the case and you need to discipline. If that's the case, fellas, we got to understand that and we got to roll with it. There's a window of time where she ain't going to be ready. I think it's like what two? Is it two weeks? It's whatever that woman body say learn your woman body, learn her timing be greedy, we on greed right and let's work with her timing thank you, though.

JasMeka:

Thank you, bae, that's not our story, does we? I mean?

Sylvester:

every relationship, though, is custom made yeah, it's that's why we say that, because I gotta learn mine so that I'm good. You gotta learn yours so that you good and know how to run with it. Like I got your program. But all, all in all, I'm just saying, like, get a program for like it's nothing, that's not work, out of all.

Sylvester:

Yes, I mean, I made that up. It ain't nothing that that I can't work out, Right Back to nothing between us, Ain't nothing that we can't figure out together. Sometimes I mean a lot of times it may take for us to get over the emotions and push that stuff to the side, to get over the past hurting the pain, and that's what we're talking about. Like, let's get to a point where we can get over this stuff. That way we can communicate more effectively to each other.

JasMeka:

You know what, levin, what I heard. Let Jesus be your example, phyllis.

Sylvester:

What he did he was a virgin right, I mean I ain't never hear a sex story.

JasMeka:

He ain't had no kids. He was disciplined. He got a penis. He was made in human form. What? How did he manage all them days, 40 days and 40 nights and this and this and that? Let him be your example. He died of himself daily. There's gonna be sometimes fellas, you gonna have to tell that thing. Now we going to be sometimes fellas, you're going to have to tell that thing. Nah, we're going to bed. Ladies, there's going to be some nights. You're going to have to tell yourself I don't care how tired I am, I'm going to go home and deliver. We just got to make it work. Don't be selfish.

Sylvester:

Oh, you know that's a good one too. Why are we on that subject of greed and stuff like that? Because, and greed and stuff like that? Because sometimes, too, that greed can get you in trouble with all right, you may not have enough time for your relationship, right? You ain't got enough time, you ain't got enough energy, you ain't got enough. That's what I thought about when you said that you ain't got enough energy, you ain't got enough time, you ain't got enough.

Sylvester:

This, that you know what I'm saying you ain't got no space because you've given it all away and then expect for your relationship to to just deal with whatever the crumbs and the leftovers are. You can't do that because it's like when you're prioritizing, like what, at what place does your relationship hold in your life? Have you still at a point where that relationship is like at the bottom of the totem pole still, and it's still like a plethora of things that come before it? You may not be ready for a relationship right now, and if you are already committed and you want that thing to work, then you got some adjustments to make. Like that's really what that is.

Sylvester:

I don't care about you saying, oh, but I had to work and I got to do how you think the bills going to get paid. Come on, man, what we really want, we make time for, we make space for, we make room for, we save energy for. You understand what I'm saying. Like, whatever you, you're going to save the energy for what you really want. We don't see people come straight home from work and go straight out.

JasMeka:

Oh yeah.

Sylvester:

Straight out Dancing and doing all type of little you know what I'm saying Moves and stuff.

JasMeka:

So sometimes, hey, save some of that energy, man, so you can dance and do some of them little moves in the bedroom what you don't water dies.

Sylvester:

Moving on to the next topic, all right, where we at when?

JasMeka:

we at, where we at Personal growth and self-awareness. Well, that kind of ties into everything we've been saying. Like you got to grow, you got to grow past. I was born this way.

JasMeka:

I was made this way In the beginning of our marriage. I love my husband. Lord knows I do he moved like a snail, like I'll be like baby I still do Not as much, babe. I'll probably say this in another episode, but if we had to be somewhere at 10 o'clock my husband walked trying to walk out the door at 10 0, 5. So it was like, um, sir, you're late. Like so he intentionally put in that work to manage his time. He's still he working on it. He ain't all the way there because I ain't all the way there in some areas. Lord deliver him.

JasMeka:

But, um, yeah, personal growth. Like you gotta work, work at it. You got to keep trying, you got to keep doing, you got to keep going. Like my personality, I'm a very persistent person. So I have to be very intentional, not to let um my way, like being so sure about something that I'm just going, going, going, doing, doing, doing, saying, saying, saying, and it could be a little rude or you know. So I have to be intentional in that area and grow. Lord to live with me. But yeah, we've been talking about personal growth. I think a lot.

Sylvester:

A lot. I mean that might mean that if you with somebody that they just ain't grown I've seen I've seen a lot of people that they just kind of outgrew their companion.

JasMeka:

They've outgrew the companionship, but they let they let that happen Cause it's time. Moving along you notice that person wasn't changing. So don't try to wait till you fully evolved to tell me I ain't involved. Why you let me sit for a year and then now you want to say you outgrew me. Where was I during that time when you were growing?

JasMeka:

maybe the accountability, maybe they were just so you know, stuck on themselves growing okay, so why they didn't have the uncomfortable um conversations when they felt that, hey man, this person's stuck and I'm growing, let's have those conversations?

Sylvester:

At some point pull me to the side.

JasMeka:

Yeah, pull me to the side and let me know, I ain't growing at the pace you would like. I feel like you evolve and now you feel like I'm finna go, oh really.

Sylvester:

Just wake up one day and I'm gone.

JasMeka:

You 10 feet tall, you like yeah?

Sylvester:

shorty, I'm out of here, yeah nice I don't outgrow you. That's wrong and it's like what? Wait, I'm sure Wait.

JasMeka:

I was the one cooking Exactly Like. Did I have anything to do?

Sylvester:

with that I'm sure I had. You're supposed to keep us connected to me all this time now while you're growing, and I ain't had something to do with that. So what, you was using my water to grow you or using my soil to grow you, like we in the same pot. How you grow taller than me without me growing. Is you eating what I could have been eating? Like what is it? Stop using people. Stop using people. And then sometimes too, if you you know, if you have had those conversations with the person, if you done been checking them if you done been checking on them and hey, baby, you want to go to this thing with me?

Sylvester:

You want to. You know, oh, got this new book About to do this right here because so that I can learn more. And da-da-da-da. And this person just saying with it oh, baby, you know, I found something that you could get into Right To, kind of like, you know, you can get your license or you can do that Like something, just trying to help level them up, but they ain't taking it and they just complacent with what they are. Yeah, let them know. I mean me personalities are different. Me personally, you know, I'm more with straight up approach. Yeah, and letting them know, hey, uh, this ain't that ain't good, you know, like I'm you know I'm growing right you see me right you see me growing right.

JasMeka:

I see you, hey, big boy little dog.

Sylvester:

See me up here going right. All right, now I need you. We ain't gonna look kind of funny we stepping off in this, off in the spot. You know what I'm saying? Are you down at my ankles?

JasMeka:

Grow up, have the conversations. Go back and watch that episode where we talking about have the uncomfortable conversations, don't avoid them, have them, it's necessary. On our very first I think it was our first or second episode I was like I'm passive, aggressive and I kind of was okay with it. But listen, when we log off these recordings, we get challenged on everything we say. While I'm reading a book right now, the assertiveness work, assertiveness, communication or something like that. Level up that passive, aggressiveaggressive style of communicating does not work. That's that personal growth that we're talking about. We're still growing.

Sylvester:

Was it just that you were so used to being that version of yourself? I was used to that.

JasMeka:

I thought that was the way you could let stuff slide, and then, when you got to speak up, you put some authority and some base behind your voice and it was like why you even got to let it pile up. Learn how to speak when you need to speak.

Sylvester:

Effective communication. Yeah, timing is everything Like not letting things slide, not letting things build up until you explode on somebody. If it's an issue, address it right then and there, while it's small.

JasMeka:

What is this? Episode 16?, 16. Episode 16 and maybe episode 3. I'm like, I'm trying to be progressive 17.

Sylvester:

It's 17.

JasMeka:

Weeks later, God got me studying to fix it. That goes with our stuff. We're talking about Right. But we're going to wrap it up with the vices, vices, vices.

Sylvester:

This is Miami and we sure got vices, so everybody has a vice, whether it's gambling drugs spending, sex Eating, eating drugs, spending sex eating eating splurging, stunting, weaving.

JasMeka:

I better put some flats in y'all's hands Screw clubs. Making it rain.

Sylvester:

Everybody got a vice Alcohol Everybody got a vice so these things acknowledge. Everybody got advice. Everybody got advice Alcohol, like everybody got advice um these things.

JasMeka:

Acknowledge Acknowledge them first.

Sylvester:

Acknowledge them First. Let's acknowledge it, acknowledge and then see how it may be affecting your relationships. You know, see how it may be affecting your relationships, because if it's affecting your relationship, your romantic relationship, I'm sure it's probably affecting some other relationships too. Pay attention to that and listen, do the work or you're going to be by yourself.

JasMeka:

And that's why y'all are tuned in to Relationships 101. Your introduction to committed relationships. We want y'all to be healed, be delivered, be set free so that we can create healthy unions, so we can have a healthy community. First we got to have healthy families to be able to go out in our communities and be healthy. We're not perfect. We're all grown.

Sylvester:

Wait, wait, wait. You said first. First we got to have what Healthy and visuals? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why we talking about you right now?

JasMeka:

Healthy me, healthy you, then a healthy us. And then we walk out that front door, we could be healthy to this community that we come from.

Sylvester:

And if you decide to have kids, then there'll be a healthy family and then y'all go out into the streets. It's a healthy community, right? And then guess what that makes for a healthy world let's grow let's grow we out peace.