Relationships101Podcast

Partying With Single Friends: What To Do When One of You Likes To Go Out, But The Other One Does Not

• Sylvester & Jasmeka Wilson • Season 1 • Episode 14

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Navigating social outings as a committed or married individual can be a complex dance, especially when single friends are in the mix. Ever wondered how to maintain those friendships without causing friction in your relationship? We'll unravel the secrets behind balancing social needs when one partner is more outgoing than the other. Hear stories and insights that highlight the importance of compromise, communication, and mutual understanding in such scenarios.

Balancing individual happiness while nurturing a relationship is a fine line to walk, and we’ve got the tips to help you master it. You'll learn how scheduling quality time together can prevent feelings of neglect, and why it's crucial to maintain your own happiness to keep the relationship thriving. We dive into real-life examples to showcase the potential pitfalls of socializing with single friends and how to navigate these waters smoothly.

Trust and comfort in a relationship often hinge on knowing your partner’s friends and social circles. Discover why categorizing friends based on their respect for your relationship can make a world of difference. We’ll discuss strategies to balance social life with relationship obligations and share creative ways to spend quality time together at home. Plus, we offer practical advice for managing boundaries and addressing trust issues, aiming to build a supportive community for all couples. Tune in, share your experiences, and join our conversation!

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Sylvester:

Welcome to Relationships 101 Podcast, where we share experiences to help newlyweds and aspiring newlyweds understand the importance of a healthy relationship so that they can thrive in this world called married life. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Relationships 101. I'm your host, Sylvester Wilson.

JasMeka:

And I'm your co-host, Shazmika Wilson.

Sylvester:

Yes.

JasMeka:

Host Make me want to eat a whole cucumber salad right now. Because of the green top.

Sylvester:

Yeah.

JasMeka:

I can't think of nothing purple right now, so I ain't even going to try to figure nothing out.

Sylvester:

I can think of something purple.

JasMeka:

So today, today, today, today, today, today, what are we talking about?

Sylvester:

Going out as a married person or as somebody in a committed relationship With your single friends. Is that okay?

JasMeka:

Absolutely, absolutely.

Sylvester:

Absolutely.

JasMeka:

I think so.

Sylvester:

Yeah.

JasMeka:

For us, it's okay.

Sylvester:

I think it's okay. I think it should be okay. There's definitely some things they got to put in place.

JasMeka:

Wait, hold on, let's clarify like going out with your single friends, because, like what's single? My girl's single single don't want to never be married, like she's just out here. She a vibe, like a real vibe, or a single desire to be married and the spouse just hasn't, you know.

Sylvester:

No, I mean not in a relationship, you know, single and regular, ready to mingle okay, so let's define.

JasMeka:

Let's define friends. Are we talking about friends? That was an ex-lover or there was some history there? No history, just friends, friends. Okay.

Sylvester:

The friends that you had, probably before you was even married, like friends. Friends, I think that's okay. They single, ready to mingle.

JasMeka:

First of all, Let me turn my phone off. Y'all. I put it on, do not disturb. I don't know how my mama keep getting through to call me. Let me just turn it off.

Sylvester:

Mamas, that don't, you're not disturbing. I don't work with mamas.

JasMeka:

Jeez.

Sylvester:

I don't work with mamas man AT&T. I tighten up. So, seeing we're ready to mingle, how do how do we even get here, though? How do we even get to the point where we're married or in a committed relationship and one of us or both of us, maybe all right, because it's just one of us that goes out with our single friends, or is it both of us?

JasMeka:

I think that depends on the relationship, because you may not have friends and I have friends that don't mean I have to kill my relationships because you're not a friendly person that doesn't have friends.

Sylvester:

All right, so. So we alluded to this sometime in our last episode.

JasMeka:

Yeah, he tried to come for me. I can't remember to come but baby.

Sylvester:

I'm surprised you don't remember the comment. I try not to do those things. We alluded to this episode because something came up about going out with well, y'all being different.

JasMeka:

There you go.

Sylvester:

Introvert versus extrovert right.

JasMeka:

Yeah.

Sylvester:

One of you guys may be an introvert, one of y'all may be an extrovert, right, yeah, um, one of you guys may be an introvert, one of y'all may be an extrovert. One of y'all might be more outgoing, sociable, the other one not so much. One of y'all may like, or need like, those social outings and things like that different settings, um, that comes along with dating and the other ones may not be. You know, they might, they may not care for that so much and they would rather stay in the house, which is cool. People are people, right, be who you are. However, we was talking about the compromise that needs to happen between that, um, and then this came up right.

JasMeka:

Oh yeah.

Sylvester:

Because what happens is.

JasMeka:

You ain't come for me then, because what happens is you didn't come for me, then I correct you Okay. That wasn't an instant where you came for me. It wasn't Not that time, not that time.

Sylvester:

So you end up going out. One of y'all going to end up going out, the one who likes to go out more, or the one who's more sociable, if that's what they're craving, and their spouse the introvert, or the the introvert, or the one who doesn't care to go out and go out. If they don't compromise with that right for the sake of their spouse, then their spouse, of course, ends up going out more with their friends, which, more than likely, most of the time, most of our friends are going to be single. Right, if you're blessed enough to have all married friends, that's a blessing to be a married person or somebody in a committed relationship with who has friends that are also in the same situations as you as far as relationship status. However, for the rest of us, who, for the most part, have single friends and we're in committed or married relationships, we end up going out. You're going to end up going out with those single friends and they're going to be doing single things and they're going to be going to be behaving singly.

JasMeka:

Who you're speaking about the group or the friend that's going to be doing single?

Sylvester:

things Well.

JasMeka:

friends or friend Plural or just Like the people you're with, whoever you're going out with, More than likely.

Sylvester:

They're single Can.

JasMeka:

I tell a quick story on that part, though. Go ahead. Me and two friends went out for ladies night at studio, right, so my two friends are single.

Sylvester:

Right.

JasMeka:

So they were mingling. But it was somebody in there that knew you and I think they watched me that night harder than you would watch me Really On some Let me see what she's going to do Right, or let me see what she's gonna do right, or let me see who she talking to. So I think just being in that like it kind of places the purse, it placed me in a situation like man. I hope this nigga don't come up with no goddamn conclusions in his head because my girl's talking to this guy or that guy and you know, just attach that to me too. So it did put me in a place like, oh, I don't know if I could do ladies night r&b with my girls. Like I might gotta switch it up because men go to find women there, I guess. So they talk when they mingle in. But the person you knew watch me like bro, you ain't gotta watch me, I'm watching me like my friends got me.

Sylvester:

What joke that was oh well, I mean, that happens it happens, but it's so uncomfortable, like my business, like that.

JasMeka:

That wasn't even your friend oh, that wasn't somebody who. No, my friend yeah no, like it was a. I probably saw them speak to you somewhere, but I that entire night. It was just like some.

Sylvester:

I mean, you may not know the nature of me and that personal relationship, so that's probably all that is. Y'all ain't got to watch me.

JasMeka:

If y'all see me outside with my girls, I promise y'all. Y'all don't have to watch me. I am disciplined, I am grounded. I don't need validation from men, I don't need the attention.

Sylvester:

The supervision.

JasMeka:

I don't need it. Don't supervise me, baby, Because if I needed, he would have been there or he would have been like you. Don't need to be there.

Sylvester:

But that was just a rant. A PSA.

JasMeka:

Yeah, public service announcement Sorry.

Sylvester:

Okay, let's get back into it. I mean, but see, even in that instance, right, you're going out. But see, even in that instance, right, you're going out that I guess we can kind of like segue, like we don't kind of like put it in perspective, why, like how this could even happen, right, if it's happening for that reason, for the reason that the other one just doesn't go out, we just, you know, letting you know the person who doesn't like to go out, that you gotta negotiate with your partner, compromise, um with them in regards to going out, right, um and on top of not going out, some people are just so busy that it pushes that other spouse to have a girl's day or a guy's day or go out with another group beside them because they are so busy right right so I think we got to pay attention to that in our relationships too.

JasMeka:

Like, man, schedule a day where it's just y'all Like, okay, you know I'm a grind Monday through Saturday, but on Sunday I promise it's us or whatever the day is that works for you guys. Do not neglect that, because then you pushing her or pushing him to that group outside of you.

Sylvester:

Right, because that's something that they crave. It's something that they crave, it's something that helps them be a happier them. So you definitely want to feed into that, because it's not just happy wife, happy life I agree with that, but then it's also a happy husband, happy life, because if any one of us is unhappy, it's not going to be a good situation. So let's help each other stay happy. Not saying it's your responsibility because, as an individual, it's my responsibility to make sure I'm happy to you know, learn more about myself, so I know what makes me happy, and to make sure that these things are being implemented in my lifestyle. Things are being implemented in my lifestyle. Um, saying you know it's your responsibility for your happiness and then, now that I'm a happy person, I can share that with you.

JasMeka:

Um, I strongly believe in that I think what's um speaking on that. I think what's important about being saying I'm going out with my friends, like what category do you know my friends? That's number one. Do you know all of my friends?

JasMeka:

I mean I would, I would think not, I mean you don't know my friends, it ain't that many, oh, my friends, not associates, my friends yeah it's only three okay, okay so I think that's important too, that your spouse should know your friends so they can feel comfortable. Your friends should be at events where you and your spouse are and it's not just imaginary friend. Oh, I'm going out with so-and-so and you're like well who that is. We've been together for almost 14 years. Where they come from for almost 14 years, where they come from right, it's just those questions. I should know your friends, I should know the circle you're with.

JasMeka:

I should have met the people you hanging out with right, definitely and then let's say, I do bring a friend in here that you disagree with and you don't feel comfortable with. I think the conversation need to be had right, that's true.

Sylvester:

That's true. I feel like you know. You know the people you're going out to your spouse is very important. It could do a couple of things. Um, it could definitely help your spouse feel more safe about who you're going out with.

JasMeka:

Because, baby, if I bought in Shaquilla, shaquay Quay, shanaynay up in here like, yeah, we're going out, what's this song we outside tonight, if I bought her in here and been like and you know, this girl is just single, single, don't want marriage, don't respect it, would you feel comfortable? Yeah, you feel comfortable. Yeah, you feel comfortable. You better not bring the most singlest man in this house talking about you going out with I feel comfortable what do you mean?

Sylvester:

like, I know my wife like. Why would I not feel true?

JasMeka:

but they also say the longer you you hang around. So I mean so that's something eventually become so if I'm always going out with a girl who wants something shake that.

Sylvester:

Birds of a feather. Yeah, if you hanging out with three, you end up the fourth. I believe that you know, depending on whatever that is, and I agree with that. However, if it's an ongoing thing, like you said, like this is who you always, always go out with.

JasMeka:

Then Might be an issue.

Sylvester:

It might, might, just might be. I mean, you know we could talk about that. That'd be something that I feel like. If I feel like there's any, you know, if there's any red flags coming up and there's any change in behaviors or you know anything like that, I'm going to address it right then and there. Like at that point, but just because you know that person is single and they, however they is you know what I'm saying Like that's I don't feel, like that has nothing to do with how much I trust you going out with them.

JasMeka:

I wouldn't trust myself going out with them so many times.

Sylvester:

Right.

JasMeka:

I'm a firm believer of you're going to eventually adapt.

Sylvester:

Right Like Definitely so.

JasMeka:

I categorize my friends, like I don't go out with all my associates, or friends like I know that this person carried itself well. They ain't gonna put us in no situation where we in a group of mix of guys and it's just us, so I, I I'm choosing on who I go out with because I believe you hang around them. We preach it to our kids. You hang around them, you're going to be like them.

Sylvester:

How do you categorize?

JasMeka:

I just be like. I know this friend. I don't want to call names, but I know this friend desire to be married. I'm safe with her. She's not out here tricking or we looking crazy or we fishing for men.

Sylvester:

Oh, you're saying just got you looking like a certain. Yeah, got you looking a certain way, got me looking a way.

JasMeka:

So I just put them in that category Like yeah, nah, I don't hang out with that friend like this. Well, yeah, I could take this friend in that environment and I feel safe, we'll be cool. I just categorize my, my friends and their level of respect for relationships okay, so I don't hang around nobody that don't you. Just, I live you for the streets, I don't do it. I ain't hanging around. Nobody that's for the streets, that don't want marriage, that hate, don't believe in men.

Sylvester:

It just don't fit me okay, now, that's something that came up with the last question, where you were like we're just not talking about whether or not I'll trust you going out with a certain friend, certain type. I feel like that's something, though also that could be a reason why one of us would have to go out by ourselves all the time. Maybe the other person could be insecure, maybe there's insecurities in there with the other person, whether they're insecure about themselves going out or whether they're, you know, insecure about you going out but being out with like, maybe they're right, maybe there's some control issues there.

JasMeka:

Um, if that's the case, that that's definitely a red flag and we gotta I think that's unfair, though, like women can't go out with their friends because a guy is in like, especially if the person didn't violate the relationship in any way. I just gotta live in this controlled space because of your insecurities like I think that's unfair. Now I gotta lose. Yes, I'm in love. Yes, I love you. But we also need human contact, women contact conversations that we can't have with y'all like we need emotional support for women right.

JasMeka:

So just to take that away, because you insecure bro, go to therapy. Ooh, so let's go to therapy.

Sylvester:

For real, for real.

JasMeka:

It's not fair.

Sylvester:

Yeah, yeah, you're bleeding on another person. You still got some wounds that you're allowing to bleed out in this relationship. Yeah, it's not fair. Yeah, you gotta go get that taken care of. Some solutions, though. Real quick, I feel like that person don't know their other partner.

JasMeka:

You don't know me, or you do know me and you know I'm weak.

Sylvester:

Right.

JasMeka:

What it is. Talk back, talk about it. Don't just say no, you can't go with your friends, like that's so, man, I'm going back home to my mama.

Sylvester:

Would you?

JasMeka:

go back home to your mama too. If I was just controlling, like no, you can't go out with Trey.

Sylvester:

No, you and Treyon can't go to Chief Hall, like I mean, I don't know if I'm going to go back to my mama, I'm just saying that's parenting.

JasMeka:

Like, that's like.

Sylvester:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I feel like having accountable friends who you know hold you accountable to, Like you said, the guy who might have been one of my friends supervising you while you were at the studio.

JasMeka:

You don't have to do that.

Sylvester:

You need friends that's like that. That's with you, though, all right, they ain't making sure you ain't making no, no, no, no moves that you're looking crazy. You know what I'm saying Too. You got some something I like to call this the cover two, cover two Fellas. Y'all understand me.

JasMeka:

It's an idea that men which one of our kids trying to come to this house. I'm so sorry it's the rain. Okay, we just gonna ignore all the the rain hits. Okay, cover two, cover two, cover two.

Sylvester:

The men understand this right, because we understand the phrase of you know, defense wins championships, offense wins games. And how I feel is that as men, we got to intentionally come up with some good plays for defense, because naturally we don't have that. Um, we were always taught and brought up to do offense. Right, how many numbers you got, boy, did you smash? Like all these are offense. You know I'm saying like, did she talk to you? Right, what you? What you said to her? Um, you ran the game Like that's offense.

Sylvester:

So by the time you get into a relationship, a committed relationship or a marriage, you don't know defense. As a man, most of us, we don't know defense because we wasn't taught that, that wasn't something that was championed as we were coming up, that wasn't a part of our training, so we'd basically be like sitting ducks. And so I feel like a play that I come up with you know what I'm saying. When I came up with I called it cover two. Y'all know, fellas, that's cover two is the name of like a defensive formation in football and basically what it is pertaining to you going out with your single friends is that you know a friend's period.

Sylvester:

Um, you know, y'all run, y'all run basically distractions for each other. Like if I see you in a situation or you see me in the situation or you know it look kind of sketchy, right, it can have me looking a certain way, then you know to come over here and run an interference on that. You know what I'm saying. You know to say something hey, somebody on the phone, anything, anything you can come up with in your mind to get me away from this situation. You understand what I'm saying.

JasMeka:

So, girls, I'm going to call that slip through, slip through. Have you ever seen a girl in a situation?

Sylvester:

slip through, slip through.

JasMeka:

Have you ever seen a girl in a situation slip?

Sylvester:

through, slip through, huh, okay. So I mean, and that's having friends with you that hold you accountable Right and that respect your marriage Got to they respect your situation.

JasMeka:

But they only gonna respect it if you respect it Definitely, definitely, definitely. So everybody's not everybody don't want a committed, healthy relationship, so this conversation isn't for everybody. These are people who's trying to protect, guard and keep and sustain that relationship. So when you say your friends respect your marriage, they're going to respect on a level that you respect.

Sylvester:

Definitely.

JasMeka:

If you that housewife when you in your house, then you that whore when you got the dough. They friends know that, so they're going to feed them on that level.

Sylvester:

Right.

JasMeka:

So, yeah, it's on you Like. Boundaries are set by you, not by other people. So cover two and slip through, that's great, but you gotta have some boundaries in place too right first yeah, boundaries, we set those right. But I like that cover two, cover for y'all boys cover, don't Cover for them boys.

Sylvester:

What you? Alright. So what else we got? You got some other strategies that we could use Going out with our single friends.

JasMeka:

So for me, because I do it, I think women go out with women More frequently than guys.

Sylvester:

We gonna take the trips.

JasMeka:

We booking those trips, we gonna go out to eat, we're gonna go to a lounge. Women are gonna do it way more than guys, right? So I just think, like I say, categorize your friends. I don't go on trips with all type of women, like I'm not going on. Like one of my girls just went on to the aruba trip I don't know know who put it on or whatever but I'm like what type of event is this? I was just like oh, it be couples and it's singles. I was like no, sis, you go, you have fun. I didn't feel that was fitting for me to be there, fitting for her, because she's single and she's mingling, but no need for me to be there. So just identify what places you going to go and with who. Like you know, you know.

Sylvester:

Yeah.

JasMeka:

And if you sense yourself getting a wondering why I, why you outside? You need to stay inside, bro Sis.

Sylvester:

Yeah.

JasMeka:

Stay inside.

Sylvester:

Yeah, and it's another thing that you said before too, I think, maybe on the last episode that if you know you met this person in the club or out you know what I'm saying Then you got to expect that when you get in a relationship with them, you can't expect to change that about that person. And then, even so, if you're the person who was going out before y'all got together, you can't expect to still go out at the same rate that you went out before you was actually inside this committed relationship. Why Not? Because of some type of control thing, or you should be trying to dumb yourself down.

Sylvester:

But what energy are you actually putting into the relationship? If you're putting all your energy outside, there's also some of that same energy that you could be putting inside. Really, it really is. You could be creative, create your own situation inside of your house, inside of your home or backyard I don't know what kind of yard you got. You know I'm saying but just come on now, like, like, do that thing up right to where you know, put some candles together and make some romantic setting or or um, you know, it's not just for you know the females to do for men too. You know what I'm saying Like well, y'all come together on that, but be creative what I'm getting from you.

JasMeka:

It sounds like he's trying to tell them to balance your relationship. Like not overall, like everything you're saying, but the gist of it. It sounds like you're saying balance it. Like if you came into the relationship as a party person, you might got to tone that down, or if you was the person that always hung around your friends. You can't do that in this relationship. If you and the girls went out every Thursday at ladies night, that ain't something you probably could do. So it's like just balancing it so you don't lose your relationship because of your friendships. You shouldn't have to, but you got to balance it.

Sylvester:

If you value it right. If you value it, then that's going to be that you got to expect to have some type of changes. If you value it Because for one, come on like, yeah, you was going every Thursday, every week, whatever. Like you're going out faithfully that's when everybody was single and ready to mingle, like we talked about in the Lovers and Friends episode that that's expected to change once you find your person. It's expected to change why? Because now my energy goes elsewhere. Now, now I'm putting it's only so much energy, just like it's only it's only so many hours in a day. It's. Everything has a limit. You know what I'm saying, and your energy does too.

Sylvester:

Be careful where you put your energy outside of your home or outside of your relationship. That relationship should get first priority to your energy, not the leftovers, not you going out doing everything else and then coming back here goes some crumbs. Oh, this is where I got left for you. It's like nah, get that, get that relationship. If you value it the first. A lot of y'all you know go to church and y'all know about first fruit. First fruit is at the home. You know what I'm saying. First fruit is home and then everybody else and everything else outside of that home has to deal with what you've been able, what you was able, to divvy up and divide up between them. Well, you know what was left over.

JasMeka:

What I love about a woman, though. We're octopus. We know we got. We know you're going to go out with the girls. I ain't perfect in the aisle, I try to be. Are we going to make sure dinner is established, kids or put away? Husband is satisfied? I think that make the night go a little more easier.

Sylvester:

Yeah.

JasMeka:

Then on them nights where I fall short and I don't went outside and then ain't there and this kid got to be picked up for baseball. This one ain't do homework and all the stress is on him. That's kind of what a conflict Like. I'm not mad that you with your friends, I'm disappointed that you just left the house without fulfilling your any responsibility. Like you ain't just help, you just got dressed and left with the girls. If you knew that's what you was going do during the day, what did you do pre before you stepped outside?

JasMeka:

right and not saying all of my things are scheduled, some stuff it'll be. Oh shoot, this friend going through something. I'm gonna meet her real quick over lunch to discuss what she's going through. So of course my planning ain't gonna be the best as it was if it was already scheduled. So I think it take mercy on your end too when it's instances where it's just it's a pop-up thing because friends got to be available, like I can't have a friend if I'm not available in her. Everything can't be scheduled with my friend right.

Sylvester:

But then that goes back to what do you usually do like usually are things like that taken care of right, or is it usually you? You leaving things high and dry? Right you leaving the house like make sure the home is taken care of um, if that's the case, then no, and I don't understand it, for no pop-up, nothing, and then you gotta go and I don't understand it. But if everything usually is taken care of, this is just an exception. Yeah, definitely I can understand that. So this was good.

JasMeka:

This was good, this was good.

JasMeka:

Everybody relationship is different. Don't even look at ours and feel like, dang well, she can have friends, he can have friends, she could go out with her friends. I can't. Everybody relationship is different. You set the tone of that relationship. We come in the relationships so submissive, don't say nothing. We come in as a yes, ma'am. Now, granted, I'm not saying don't submit, but have uncomfortable conversations to get what you want to. Yeah, it's both ways. Like hey, bae, I really love you, but I love my friends too. Compromise like well, let's, if you don't trust her, I'm gonna bring her around more. Maybe we could go on a third wheel date so you could get to know her. But I don't want to lose this relationship.

Sylvester:

What's a third wheel date?

JasMeka:

Me and you and my girl.

Sylvester:

Okay.

JasMeka:

We actually done those a few times while my friend was going through nursing school. Thanks, babe, for being a. You wasn't the third wheel, but you kind of was a third wheel. Yeah, it's kind of like you know, you don't actually say who the third wheel?

Sylvester:

it's three of us going out, yeah, having a good time, uh, decompressing right and enjoying women.

JasMeka:

We have a voice and we need to use it wisely. I I'm big on yes, submit I'm not taking away submission, but I feel like we too, like we got to compromise. There's a video on compromising.

Sylvester:

Yeah, yeah, well guys.

JasMeka:

Y'all be sure to like hit.

Sylvester:

I can't even say subscribe share and overall watch more videos.

JasMeka:

Yeah, share it, help us Listen y'all. We are building a community where our end goal is to bring on couples so that y'all can hear not only us, but y'all gonna hear the experiences of other couples too. But first we got to build up the platform to engage other couples.

Sylvester:

so help us build up and grow so that we can help y'all build up and grow right, because right now, we just you know we doing what we have, we doing what we got to do with what we have. You know, I'm saying we ain't got the space to be bringing nobody up in here. Talk about being oh so we'll get to that level, though, and then things come in. However, right now, what you can do, though, is, if you thought of anything or you know we get, you know y'all got different situations and y'all are married or y'all are committed relationship. If you have anything that we may have, not that we may not have thought of, go ahead and put it down in the comments.

Sylvester:

Like how is your, how do you and your partner handle these type of situations? How do I handle going out with single friends? Like what are some of the strategies that make it help us, help any of us? You know what I'm saying. Any of these couples, any of these power couples that's watching, navigate through it all safely? You know what I'm saying, because I think the goal is to, just like a police officer, anybody that's in combat, or you know what I'm saying when you go out, the goal is to make it home safe.

JasMeka:

I think y'all watched this video. Y'all might have to recategorize some friends or even eliminate, who knows? But we out of here.

Sylvester:

Peace.